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Answer
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Name
S.
-
Profession
Question
Dear Dr.Lyla Asalam alaikum warehmatullah
Im a regular visitor of this great webiste which has increased my knowledge about islam to great extent.
Im married for 12 yrs,with 3 daughters alhumdulillah.Problem i'm facing these days has shattered my soul.I cant share this with anyone.Please I need your guidance and prayers.
My husband is a proud,and egositic man very stubborn.He thinks when he provides for food, house and cloths his duties finish.I have felt emotionally lonely and frustrated with him, urged him always politely to be friends and insisted on open communication. My life is like an open book. I have trusted him, shared with him everything, but he's closed in his shell. I felt for the last 5 yrs,our relationship has deteriorated to such an extent that he has made himself aloof from home kids and me so much that he has seperated his bed with no formal talk.
He started spending too much time in office, even on holidays and weekands, and started playing golf on holidays for most of the day with freinds, then tv or computer whenever I tried to be with him or get his attentions he would get angry.
I wanted third baby which i concieved miracoulsly because he didn't want a third child. During that time, he has become so irritable, aloof, gets angry at petty things,looks at me as if an enemy. I was bedridden in my pregnancy, and he made it very difficult. Even after the baby was born he slept in other room. He frequently travels for office work, and i remain at home, look after the home an kids, with no quality time with him or vacations, except that he sends me to see my mother that's it.
I started checking his emails and found out 2 very obscene emails from a woman,who wrote she's worried for him and when will he come to see her,she is not enjoying without him. Dr.Layla it's as if the roof fell on my head.
Allah showed me these emails,i cried alot, he tarnished my trust, devalued my honesty and love,I felt like a fool and used as a commodity.I knew he is addicted to porn but that he will stoop to such level never occured to me.I saved my dignity for him, and what i got in return.
I went to one sheikh, he told me that my husnabd is in love with one woman, meets her, and for some time now is physically involved with him. She has casts black magic so he doesnt leave her, hates me and kids, become aloof and finally we are divorced.
Whatever he told was true when i recalled all the incidents,we had no sexual relation since the my pregnancy and after the birth i.e. 4yrs. Whenver i initiated he would get angry or make some excuse,he hates me and gets irated over small things.
Now please tell me. I'm reading the surahs the sheikh told me to read to lessen the effect,shall i confront my husband and make him swear on quran to tell if he ever been involved with somebody or has he commited zina.
I hate him,i want my revenge, problem is i have no place to go with my daughters i'm totally dependent on him. In his family nobody will take my side he showers them with expensive gifts and favours, i'm alone in this.From my family there's only my widowed mother.
How can i tackle this problem ,i cant sleep,i cant eat,i'm nervous angry hurt all the time,i think of my daughters' future. How will i stay with such indecent and dirty man for the rest of life thinking about what he has done.
Please please help me guide me and advice me.im waiting impatiently.
Your sister in islam
Answer
Dear sister in Islam,
I am so very sorry to hear of your incredible pains. Your husband has been distant, aloof, and hostile for quite some time now and you sought out the help of a "sheikh" who told you that he was in love with another woman who he is physically involved with and who casts black magic on him which makes him hate you and your kids. This confirms your fears because you think that your husband is addicted to pornography and is cheating after you found 2 emails from a woman indicating that she is missing him.
You are now not sure what to do in terms of confirming your worst fears and also deciding what to do next.
Firstly, I don't know what this "sheikh" that you went to is, but I encourage you to seek out an Imam or Sheikh in Islam to sit with the both of you and help you to figure out what is going on. If this is not available to you, perhaps an elder or friend that you regard and respect that could moderate a healthy exchange between the two of you as your concerns are brought up would be good.
I think that beginning a dialogue between the pair of you is immensely important. In your situation, this "sheikh" told you that your husband is an adulterer and you now have little doubt that your husband is an "indecent and dirty man".
The first step towards harboring a healthy dialogue is for you to sit down perhaps with a pen and paper and write down concrete truths like the fact that you have not been intimate for x amount of months, has not sat with the family except for this many days a week, etc. etc. Solidify in your head- facts from questionables. What the "Sheikh" told you must be questionable at this point, as this is not the Islamic way of determining whether zina did or did not happen.
The second part of creating a dialogue is to either verbally communicate this or via a letter. In this communication it is important to indicate current needs like "I feel frightened and I want to know if we are okay" for example. Sometimes a letter is a good way to connect without placing too much pressure. Make sure that your letter presents facts, not in an interrogating way, but instead in a way that explains how all of these things have compelled you to talk with him. If he wants to respond to you via email, letter, or a conversation go with it and see what comes up. This is not the time to attempt to correct bad habits and character flaws, you are working on keeping your family together and you need to be able to make a knowledgeable and healthy decision for yourself and your daughters.
Reading Qur'an is a good thing at this point and especially surat Al-Bakara is known to remove black magic so you can put a recording of it and let it play through your home throughout the day. Given that you are in a crisis state, try as much as possible to stay focused on what is in front of you- not behind your or too far out as this will only make you depressed or anxious or both. Make sure to eat well, sleep well, and trust that any problem here today will be here tomorrow so you can go to sleep and trust that it will be waiting for you to think about it in the morning.
I know that it is hard to think of doing things that are good for you when you are hurting so immensely. Let us not forget that you have 3 daughters who need your support, motherhood, and love and whom you want to be available to. Allah does not leave anyone and He will not leave you. Just make sure to be righteous and responsible when you do whatever you do. No matter what your husband does, you base your actions on your integrity, not his. Revenge is about trying to hurt him and healing is about making your hurt go away. Revenge and healing do not go together as hurting him will hurt you and you will suffer the ill effects. Part of trusting in Allah is trusting that Allah will give everyone what they are due and instead of worrying about what happens with others, thinking about where you are at.
My sister, I hope that this has helped you and I pray that Allah guides you towards a path of light.
Name
Gulraiz
-
Profession
Student
Question
Dear Scholar,
Nowadays majority of schools and colleges are co-education. It is not possible to study without interacting with the opposite sex. What should we do?
Answer
Dear Gulraiz,
Indeed these days it is very hard to find classrooms segregated based on gender. In the education community there are talks about the benefit of girls-only classes on math and science scores as a result of communication and competition styles. Your angle is a little different in that you want to know how to make it possible to gain an education without interacting with the opposite sex.
Why would you not want to interact with the opposite sex? Islam does not forbid interaction; instead it forbids meaningless and immodest interactions. As long as you are respectful of your self and others and carry yourself with respect I have never heard anyone forbid interaction with the opposite sex, especially in an educational context.
From a psychological point of view, I also think that negotiating appropriate boundaries with the opposite gender are important based on the context of your interaction and your governing principals (Islam).
In sha'`llah this has answered your dilemma and I pray that Allah guides you towards what is right and righteous for you.
I have an urgent need and seek Islamic advice, so please be patient to hear my whole story.
I'm a muslim female,23 years old in my last year at medical school. Lately and thanks to ALLAH Almighty I began to be more committed to my great religion and al hamdu lillah have the urge with ALLAH'S help and support to do everything as I'm supposed to according to Islam.
I'm wearing my scarf for 4 years now and started to be more commited to my prayers and to follow the Islamic instructions concerning female Muslims.
I'm from a very conservative family. My father graduated from Al Azhar. He's strict with me and has been since I was a child and would treat me in a rough way; but I'm now an adult with a broader mind to understand and respect my parents' wishes more than before.
I went to a website called Qiran that popped onto my screen about 16 days ago to see what's on there. I found out that I had to register to see everything, so I did. I found out later that many people were trying to chat with me, to know me better and propose to me. I was so decent as always al hamdu lillah but my parents refused, especially my dad. They were against me chatting with guys, so I refused to do so. But, there was one guy who wanted to know me and he was better than all the others I spoke to. He was decent, seemed very religious and polite. I recommended one of my friends to him so they could chat with each other, but he insisted on me. He said he was attracted to my way of talking.
He's 30 years old, Egyptian and a doctor living in Birmingham, U.K. I live in Egypt and my family has the Green Card and they wished that I could go to the States to finsh my studies. They have more trust and respect for me than before and my way of thinking.
Anyway,I told him that I can't send any pictures of me, talk on the phone, chat or e-mail him anymore. He said it was okay and that he has memorized the Holy Qur`an and is willing to come over here and see me at my school for just a few minutes to know if there is any kubool (initial attraction) and then take my dad's phone nos., talk to him and ask him for my hand in marriage. Then we can talk legally with my family's knowledge.
He's been very decent with me, didn't talk to me again as he promised. When he has booked his tickets he'll tell me his date of arrival after 4 weeks to see me in school and my friends will be with me the whole few minutes he asked for.
We are trying to take all the precautions as ALLAH ordered.
The question is would it be haram if when he talks to my dad that he'd tell my dad that he saw me at my school and that he got my dad's number from me and wanted to propose?
By the way there was someone who proposed to me when he saw me at school, but it was a co-incidence and my parents had no problem with that. But I don't want my dad to be angry becuase of me. If he knew that I knew this person from online (even if he was a good one).
Also, is it haram to hide this fact from my dad out of respect and fear for/from him knowing that I was put in this position to tell the truth? I will with ALLAH'S support and help and will.
One of my very religious muntaqiba friends (wearing niqab (face veil) told me that I have to tell my mother at least and that my friend and her husband are willing to be with me when this person sees me.
My friend also told me before that she dreamt about me for the 1st time in her life that someone who memorizes the Holy Qur`an PROPOSED TO ME.
Thanks for being so patient. I am waiting for your reply very soon in sha'allah And may ALLAH always help us to do what satisfies him.
Thank u
Answer
My dear sister,
You are asking a very specific question about whether it is permissible for you to not share with your father that this young man whom you have known from online.
I do see your point of view and I think that it many ways it makes sense especially since he will be seeing you on campus; nonetheless, I am a doctor of psychology and not Islamic Studies. I cannot tell you if it is lawful or not as this is a fatwa .
Please seek the guidance of a reputable sheikh or Imam in your area.
I pray that Allah guides you towards what is good for you. Do not forget to pray Istikhara prayer before making any decisions.
Name
Samia
-
Profession
Question
Assalamu Alaikum,
I had a question on marital relations during the month of Ramadan. In the month of ramadan, we are supposed to engage ourselves in worshipping Allah at night more than usual night. Now, if the husband wishes to have sexual relations everynight (sometime twice a night), should the wife refuse the husband since these nights could be spent on better worship? Or will engaging in sexual relation (with agreements by both parties)be counted as just as good worship as any other worships are? Will my husband or I be sinning by engaging in it since it is a need of nafs? Jazakallah Khair.
Answer
My dear sister in Islam,
While I am not a scholar in Islamic studies and this question is better deferred to an Imam, I know that it is lawful that Muslims engage in sexual relations during the non-fasting hours of Ramadhan. I would caution you from refusing your husband's desire for intimacy because you may think that worshipping is better. Nonetheless, your inquiry is better suitable for an Imam.
Name
samad qazi
- United Arab Emirates
Profession
Question
Assalam u alaikum warahmatullah wabarakatuhu,
My name is Samad Qazi , and I live in U.S.A for twelve years. My question to you is that, if someone's wife is an Amarican woman and the husband is muslim and his wife is treating him based on what he was in past , a careless and not responsible husband. Now he has completely changed and is a responsible husband, but his wife still lives in the past and reminds him of what he was, in this situation what should husband do to make his wife trust him again?
Yours Truly
Answer
Wa Alaikum Asalam Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakatoh,
Brother Samad,
In my work with many couples, this is often a difficult issue for couples. One has changed and the other either does not see the change or does not trust it enough to act based on it. Important things to consider are:
1) How long ago is the 'past'
2) Are there similar situations that you have acted on differently?
3) Asking what it would take to accept the new "you".
4) Asking what keeps her from trusting the new you?
5) Sharing with her your new perspective and philosophy that drives the new 'you'.
6) When you're practicing care and responsibility, note that you are choosing to do so in a skillful and purposeful manner while rejecting choices of the past.
Lastly, I think that marriage counseling is a great way to work through these issues. Especially since we have overcome the past, what you are struggling with most likely are hurt feelings related to trusting what she sees. While some of it is yours in regards to past choices that you have made, a lot is hers such as how long it takes for her to trust again.
May Allah be with you and guide you.
Name
Sam Saad
- United Arab Emirates
Profession
Question
Asalam alaikum Dr.Layla
My world has turned upside down,im writing to you for extremely urgent needed guidance and help,something i cant share with anyone except Allah.
I'm married since 12 yrs,have 3 daughters. I have tried from the very beginnig to have an open friendship relation with my husband, he on the other hand is always uptight,angry,arrogant. His behavior has become worse since 4 yrs,to more aggressive,irritated,bored towards me and kids. He doesnt stays at home,his excuse being too much office work,and then tv and freinds. He seperated his bed when i concieved our third child, even beaten me often on petty issues during pregnancy.
I was and am depressed,hurt,betrayed sad,i started checking his emails and found out his freindship with other woman who had written him obscene emails.As if somebody took ground from under my feet,i consulted a Sheikh,who told me,myhusband developed love for the woman,they used to call each other and xchanged emails but now they are physically involved (i had no sexual
relation with my husband since conception he rejects
me and gives lame excuses).
He goes to business trips very often, meets her. That
woman has casts black magic on him and me,so that he
hates me so much,and we have so many fights(which we
have daily coming from his side)no physical relation
that it ends in separation.
Im shattered,when i recall all the incidents it really
makes sense,all his abnormal behavior,i had
continous bleeding throughout pregnancy,whhile all my
reports were clear,and dr.were unbelievble.
Sheikh said woman tied my uterus to prevent any
relation and kids.He toldme to recite sura falak and
surah naas,and make husband and myself drink daily,
also kids.
Ifeel great anger,grief,betrayel,i dont have anyplace
to go,his family too will take his side.
Please tell me what to do in this situation,
1-Iread in islamonline site if a man confesses only
then his considered zaani,but if i confront him to
swear on our kids about his sin and make him promise
that he will cutoff ties with that woman,is it
reasonable?
2-should i confront him to giveme explaination of his
abnormal behaviour,he doesnt know he is under magic
spell,or should i leave this matter to my Allah to
take my revenge,who is best in giving reward.
I saved myself for this man and he betrayed my trust
and love,i hate him i can never love or respect him.
he lies in small things how will he ever confess
tohtis unless Allah make him so much guilty,he becomes
restless.
please reply me soon im counting everyday,and please
remember me in your prayers.
sister in islam
samreen.
Answer
Dear sister Sarmeen,
I have answered your first inquiry and I find that this one is mostly repeated though there are some new facts.
You say:
1-I read in islamonline site if a man confesses only then his considered zaani, but if I confront him to swear on our kids about his sin and make him promise that he will cutoff ties with that woman, is it reasonable?
While I am not a scholar in Islamic studies, I know that in the case where one spouse believes that the other has cheated and the other denies they go before an Imam where they do something called "Al-Mula-ana". The accused party and the accsuing party say something to the meaning of "May Allah bar me from his mercy if I am not telling the truth". It is a very serious confrontation.
2-should i confront him to give me explanation of his abnormal behavior, he doesn’t know he is under magic spell, or should I leave this matter to my Allah to take my revenge, who is best in giving reward.
I think that it is reasonable to share what you have been told about the magic. He is free to believe it or not. You are not bringing evidence to a court, instead you are explaining your reason for concern.
I realize that my first response has not been posted online for your viewing yet so I will refrain from saying much more as you have not yet read my first response. May Allah be with you my sister.
Name
Hassan Aden
- United States
Profession
Question
Salaama Allaikum Sister Asamarai,
Understanding women and figuring out what they want, as many if not the majority of them want their men to know what they do not even give them hints about, are real challenges and source of distresses to many men.
Let me give here as an example a fairy tale that depicts women as the most difficult to be figured out.
A man was walking on the beach and found a lamp. After a few quick rubs, the genie pops out and says that he will grant the man one wish. The man thinks for a moment, then replies "Well, I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm terrified of flying, and I get violently seasick if I even think about getting on a boat, so I want a bridge built that will let me drive my car to the islands.
The genie's eyes widen in amazement. "But, jeez! Do you have any clue how hard that would be? Why, the water's miles deep out there! Imagine the size I'd have to make the pilings! Not to mention all the typhoons that rip through the Pacific. Nope, can't do it. Sorry, but you'll have to pick something else."
So the man shrugs and says, "Well, OK. How about this? I've been married four times, and divorced four times. I just can't figure women out. I want to be able to understand women. What makes 'em tick, what makes 'em happy, what ‘em fear?”
The genie nods and thinks for a moment before he responds: "So, should that bridge be two lanes or four?"
In other words, the genie says that building on the Pacific a bridge stretching from the main US land to Hawaii islands is much easier than understanding and figuring women out!
I knew many men who have always been so nice to their women but their being nice to them has most often given them wrong impressions. In many cases wonderful favors showed by many men towards their women has also been used against them viciously.
Many men I had conversations with about the deteriorating relationships between men and women in our recent generations seem believing that only men who are jerks get the best treatments from women! With the strongest terms possible, I do not endorse that men should be jerks or act like jerks to be treated well by women! But my question is: How can women be fully understood and best treated while not offend you in return for your special treatments?
Answer
Dear brother,
I hear you! Sometimes communication between the opposite gender is a graver chore than building a bridge across the pacific!!
Often times when I work with couples the biggest communication problem between them is something referred to as "magical thinking". Men and women do it and it means that because I am in a relationship with my partner, my partner should know (without me telling them) what I want to hear (or what I feel...etc.). I always encourage individuals to state what they want and not to get perfectionist about how their partner should have come to learn that piece of information. If a partner does not inherently know what you want it is because you are a whole and separate individual and not their appendage.
As for your second part about why "good guys finish last" as they say. I am not a sociologist and so why I am mindful of social phenomena, I am reluctant to hypothesize about why a massively huge group of people do a specific behavior. What I will say is that a woman's father (likely her first male role model) has a lot of influence on demonstrating what a man should or should not be. In addition, men in movies and television are often meat heads who like fighting and aren't particularly emotionally expressive of anything besides anger and lust.
I assure you that there are women out there that are interested in introspective, kind, and respectful men.
Name
Bahara
- United States
Profession
Question
Dear Dr. Layla
I am having a very serious issue with my husband. This October it will be two years that we will have been married. The rest of the time he has left and lived on his own, or went on several vacations, some of them with women, whom he says are just hsi firends.
Throughout this whole time I have remained faithful to him, and have taken him back every time. When he leaves, he blames it on me, and does not take any responsibility for it. While we are togther, he does not treat me very well, he has secret conversations with his ex-girl-friends, goes out without me, and does not treat me with respect. At times he gets extremely religious and at other times he does not even pray. I do not consider myself extremely relgious, however, I beleive to be a better Muslim than him, alhtough he always puts me down saying that I am not a good Muslim becuase I do not wear hijab. However, he does not do several things that the religion calls for either. At the time that he becomes very religous, he gets very mean and angry, and judgemental of everyone, he does not spend time with me and treats me like his slave. Then immediately he will get very tired of that and go back to the complete opposite, hanging around with women, 'friends', and going to clubs and dancing. I beleieve that IF he was a really good husbnad, he would remain faithful to our marriage.
He now wants to come back and make our marriage work. I am very afraid because I have been badly hurt by him, and feel like I cannot really trust him to stay this time. He has been married several time before and it was always him to break the marriage. This is my first and since I do not beleieve in divorce, I was hoping that it would be my only marriage. I want to have children one day, and hope that we can stay together long enough for this to happen and raise our children together. Please give your recommendation on what to do. I would go to marriage therapy, but we have gone before, and although she was Muslim she told us during our first session that we would liekly get divorced. I was shocked, I wanted to work on our marriage. i would go to the Imam at our local mosque, but I am afraid that the imam would have a problem with me not practicing hijab and force my husband to force me to do it (although I wear hijab at the mosque), and always dress conservatively and modestly at all other times). Plese help!
Answer
Dear sister,
I am so sorry to hear of this situation that you're struggling with. I am also sorry that you had such a negative counseling experience and particularly with a Muslim therapist.
I hear your dedication to your marriage and your desire to avoid divorce. I also hear you distrust, fatigue, and dwindling hope in your marriage. Deciding what you do next depends on which force is greater, your dedication to your marriage and desire to avoid divorce OR your exhaustion with your marriage and sense of distrust.
If you still feel like you are wanting to be invested in the marriage and make things work then I encourage you to seek out counseling once more. Before you see the counselor interview him or her and ask them what their philosophy is on couple's staying together or divorcing. Also, ask about their experience with situations like yours and how comfortable they feel in these situations. It is very common that individuals interview a prospective therapist and I have never been offended people asking these kinds of questions.
If you are interested in a decision to be made in regards to the status of the relationship then I suggest that you see an Imam. In your situation I am advising you in these directions because your husband seems to have a repetitive pattern to his behaviors that are likely better dealt with from a psychological perspective that is therapeutic and treatment based.
I pray that Allah be with you in this difficult time and that He guide you.
Name
Simi
- United Arab Emirates
Profession
Question
Assalaumualaikum,
I have been married since may and I am 4 months pregnant. Mine was an arranged marriage in India,to a boy who works in the UK. I got married to him as he seemed like a person with character and integrity as well as tolerant to respect my views, opinions and liked etc. I had also potrayed myself as an ambitious person. I resigned from my job in india prior to our wedding since he agreed to take me to the UK soon post our wedding and said that I can work there on a spouse visa which he would apply for in September as soon as my tourist visa gets over.
Things went on fine for the first 2 weeks after the wedding and then he had to leave for UK. I joined my parents in the Middle East hoping that he would take me there soon. Gradually, his frequency of calls came down so I used to complain that he doesn't care and he doesn't want me to be with him. Also he hadn't given me any money and my parents were taking care of all my expenses. During one of my emotional outbursts, I put his ego down by offering him financial help, assuming that was the problem that was taking him so much time. Finally after 2 months I went to the UK and I had plans to stay there till September, when my tourist visa would expire and I thought he would apply for spouse visa.
I went to UK with a lot of excitement which was eventually shattered. He behaved in a very indifferent manner physically as well as mentally. When I questioned about it, he replied that I had hurt his ego and it will take time for him to get over it. He also said that he feels uncomfortable to touch me as I'm pregnant. I apologized for it but he continued behaving the same way. At times he mentally tortured me saying rude things and I felt all the more sick while being 3 months pregnant. Feeling hurt, neglected and unwanted and lonely I called up my parents and cried. My father requested my husband to treat me well. Instead he became all the more angered and mean and told me that he is not going to change, he has no feelings for me, and also asked me to divorce him if i cannot deal with all this. I kept thinking that it's just anger and kept waiting for him to mellow down. But it kept getting worse. He used to avoid me by coming home,never ate the food that I cooked and never took me out. We were not living as husband and wife inspite of my constant efforts to be nice. I spent the most of my days crying and towards the end I went out to the city without informing him, although I told him about it when I was back.
Finally all this led me to believe that he was making my life miserable because he wanted divorce. Although I did not want it to happen since I had feelings for him, I suggested it and left UK after two weeks and returned to the Middle East all devastated. Thinking deeply into it, I realized I cannot do this. A week later he came to Dubai to set up a Busines and I went to meet him with my family. His family and mine sat together to resolve the issue and they all empathised with my situation. He still refused to accept his faults, blamed me for the repurcussions, saying that i made things worse by telling my family about it. The only thing he could say against me was that I went out without his permission. He also commmanded that if I want to live with him, I should listen to him. He has very unreasonable demands like I have to deliver the baby at his family's place in India, and live there till his business prospers. Till that time he will have my basic needs met.He does not want me to work and I should not have a social life of my own. All this seems contradictory to what he seemed like before marriage and also initially after the wedding. Now his family tells me to listen to him and eventualy he will change.
As I feel the demands are unreasoanable, I cannot let myself to fulfill it completely although I may compromise to some extent. Is it considered wrong on my part to do so according to the Holy Quran and hadith? According to what I have read, I feel that he is not fulfilling his role as a husband and is misusing his position.
Can I file for divorce, on account of maltreatment?
I want him to become more responsible and if he does not change I will file for divorce, post delivery. I want to keep the child in my custody. For a girl child, what are the rights that I can demand according to Islamic law?
Answer
My dear sister in Islam,
I am so sorry to hear of this terribly difficult situation that you have found yourself in. It sounds like you have undergone so much transition lately and I pray that Allah is with you and your child in this stressful time.
Your questions are very specific to Islamic jurisprudence as you are asking about husband/wife rights and responsibilities as well as filing for divorce. My degree is in clinical psychology and I cannot offer you counsel on matters of Islamic law or fatwas. I strongly advise you to seek the guidance of a trusted and wise Imam. Since you are in UAE, there are many intelligent, wise, and educated scholars of Islam.
I ask Allah to guide you and choose what is best for you and your child. I remind you to pray Istikhara before making any decision.
Name
Tahira
-
Profession
Question
Assalamu Alaikum,
I am 21 years old female. I currently work as a tutor. I tutor a class of boys ages 15-17. Ít's a group of boys, so I am not alone. In this circumstances, am I Islamically allowed to tutor them? Jazakallah Khair.
Answer
My dear sister,
From what I know, there is nothing that prohibits a woman from teaching men let alone boys. This question is not psychologically related so I advise you to seek the direction of an Imam or Shiekh for fatwa related questions.
Name
shagufta
- India
Profession
none
Question
Esteemed scholar
My husband contracted a secret marriage 4 years back with a 52 year old divorcee whose daughter from her first marriage is now 22 year old and living with her. Her father is a christian westerner who is also now married with children living in England. Before all this me and my husband had a perfect marital life , I am 43 and my husband is 50 years old. We have a 16 yr old son and an 11 yr old daughter.
The second marriage is a complete secret with none of our families involved and without my consent, I understand that second marriage without a legitimate reason is not a religiously good deed. What I want to know is the status of this secret marriage , with a grown up girl living in the same house.
Secondly I have kept a very good atmosphere in the house despite this heavy / painful burden on my heart and mind . I am an intelligent characterwise sound and aprofessional person with avery simple but strong nature, that’s why I kept his secret so that he may have time to rectify the situation as I know that he is a very decent person and this act was very out of character for him . But now I feel the daughter will be a graduate with a potential of a good job and during this time he has made the mother financially secure. She was his secretary when he married her, now in the last few months I have come to know through friends that the lady is not a characterwise sound person and now I feel that he may be becoming a different kind of person because of her influence, I still have to find proof of her any bad character.
In any case now I feel the time has come to resolve this matter in an amicable manner so that my growing children and family are not affected by any scandal. So I have to have reasons according to shariah which may allow me to present my case strongly.
Please also advise me about how to make my husband realize that a action not favorable in the eyes of God has been commited plus that continuation in such a manner is not to his family's wellfare . As no one knows accept few in her family I find it very hard to carry on as if everything is alright in my life. And please note that whatever the other person's character may be I have no ill feelings toward anybody and I mean no harm to anyone. I daily pray to Allah that he knows better and if there is any influence of shaitan then please help me to resolve this matter peacefully and guide me to the correct path. It's my intuition plus my concern for him and my family that I feel the time has come to resolve it. Also since this has happened instead of being happy he is turning into a sad / depressed person. So please guide as to the status of this marriage so that I can understand better. Also please pray for me and my family.
JAZAKALLAH.
Also can I pray istikhara for divine guidance whether my husband should stay with this lady or not. I will be inshallah performing hajj with my son and husband this year, is it advisable to open up a direct clear decision oriented discussion along with a sensible mutual friend which will take place during this month before hajj. Please advise me that if the other lady's company is not advisable 4 him because of her character isn’t it my farz as a friend, mother, wife to sort of force him to confront the stuation and make a decision, only then we can help him to execute a separation, as I have his well-being very close to my heart .
Answer
My dear sister,
Firstly, I should reiterate that I am a doctor of psychology and not Islamic studies.
Secondly, it seems that your email is based on the belief that "second marriage without a legitimate reason is not a religiously good deed". This is a commonly shared misconception that says that polygamy can only occur in dire situations- please seek religious counsel on this matter as there need not be compelling reasons for polygamy to happen even though many times there are compelling reasons.
You have found proofs that indicate that his second wife is of poor moral character and are ready to share this with him in the interest of your family and are excited about him returning to his "true" family and rectifying his wrong. From what you have shared, he has been married for 4 years and has two families-the one he has shared with you and the one he has shared with her and her daughter who becomes his daughter upon him marrying her mother. You talk about "resolving" the matter, though you are really talking about divorce which will likely impact her life in a huge way. He divorcing from her is not you and his family decision; rather it is between him and his second wife also.
It is almost like you are in denial about them even having a legitimate marriage. Unlike an adulterous affair, this is a marriage that he is responsible for and for which he and she will be questioned on the day of judgment. Part of what makes polygamy difficult is that no matter what his emotional attachments are to his first wife, family, and marriage, he must not discriminate between the first or second marriage in terms of finances or commitment.
You are in a very difficult situation and remaining emotionally sterile is very difficult as this is your beloved husband with whom you have shared lovely years. I hope that you are able to find peace and solace and that Allah will guide you towards what is good for you.
Name
sahara
- United States
Profession
Question
As salamo alaykum:
My question is a serious one and quite private. My wife and I enjoy each other very much in our relationship. But, I was wondering if it is permissible for me to touch the private parts of my wife and smell the scent on my fingers. My wife told me it is ok, but, I am not sure and I don't want to do anything haram. please advise
Answer
I have not heard of any sexual practice between husband and wife that is unlawful except for anal intercourse. Since I am not an Islamic scholar, I would encourage you to ask an Imam or scholar.
Name
Zumana
-
Profession
Question
Assalamu Alaikum,
I am teacher. Am I allowed to talk to my male students on MSN about study matters or matters they need help with. Thanks.
Answer
Dear sister Zumana,
You question is not about psychology, instead it appears that you are in need of an Islamic scholar's guidance.
Name
A
-
Profession
Question
As salamu `alaykum,
Is my grandfather's brother mahram to me? Also, how much awrah are we allowed to uncover in front of mahrams(except husbands of course? I
Is my father-in-law's brother mahram to me?
Just another question, is it sinful to look at private parts of your partner?
Jazakallah Khayrun
Answer
Dear A,
I am a doctor of psychology, not Islamic law, please seek guidance from ◊ Ask the Scholar
I grew up in an unhealthy environment: a lot of critizise and name calling. Now I am a mother and wife. I push myself very hard not to critizes but I do. I yell at my kids and I critize my husband. I want my children to grow up in a healthy environment. How do I communicate my chidren and my husband?
Answer
As salamu `alaykum to you too sister.
A sad factor of life that we often ignore is that we reap what we sow. Our parents may have been critiques of our behavior and our conduct and being our primary role model, this is what we learn as children who in turn get the same treatment as us.
We get into a routine of 'this and that has to be done' and we become slaves to the routine and everyone else around us has to facilitate that routine. Becuase we do not take time-out for ourselves we lack the mental space to even begin to think that there is another way of living - a better way of living.
So, take time-out. Start with at least half an hour a day whereby you do something completely different for yourself. It migth seem difficult at first, but we have made an intention, so we work towards it by making sure that those around us are also doing something for themselves at the same time, then we can claim that half-an-hour.
If you could sit and think about the things that you used to enjoy doing, friends you miss, finding out about things you would like to know but never had the time to, it is a start. In that way you learn to appreciate yourself more and eventually appreciate those around you more... Hwaa
Name
Asma
-
Profession
Question
Assalamu Alaikum,
I have a question on rights of a wife over a husband. My husband is an Arabic laguage teacher, i.e., he runs his own Arabic teaching institute.
The problem is I don't see my husband very often. My husband works very hard for his institute, which I support Alhamdulillah. He spends long hours day and night working for his institute. Sometimes I don't see him all day, he works 8 am - 12 pm. But whenever he is with me, he fills me with love and care.
After marriage, I have moved into a new country to live with him. Because of that, I don't have any family/ friends with whom I can spend my time. I feel very lonely when he leaves me like this all day. If I complain to him, then he keeps reminding me that he is working in the Arabic institute for the sake of Allah. It makes me feel very guilty to complain, but am I not entitled to some of his attention and time? I don't know how to respond to him using Quran and Sunnah when he states the reason for his striving is for Allah only. What should I say to him? How can I explain to him tactfully that I support his cause but I am also in need of his time and attention?
Please help. Jazakallah Khair.
Answer
My dear sister Asma,
It sounds like your husband is a very ambitious man that is struggling to create balance in his life. There is a hadith in which a woman complains of her husband worshiping too much and not attending to her sexual needs though this does not seem to fit your experience as you say that he fills you with love and care when he is present.
In your situation, I would guess that it is not an issue of "rights" as much as it is an issue of sharing and connecting. Looking at it from the perspective of what he could do better instead of what he is doing "wrong" will probably yield more favorable communication. Because you don't have family and friends you expectations of him are to be your family, friends, and your husband. It places a huge strain on marriages when a spouse is expected to fill many roles that are void in the other person's life. I strongly encourage you to share not fact, but instead how these situations make you feel. Perhaps finding friends, going to work with him, or doing other things that fill your life will help to create a balance in your relationship. He may prioritize and make time for family at least once or twice a week in order for both of you to connect and enjoy each other is likely a good idea as well.
Your situation is in the friendly and cooperative stage and I recommend that you practice doing and asking for things because they empower your relationship and your lives instead of doing so because they are obligatory which may make things you would usually enjoy turn into chores.
I pray that you and your husband are rewarded for your deeds and that Allah pours his blessings on your marriage.
Name
Host
-
Profession
Question
Finally, we would like to thank Dr. Layla Asamarai for taking the time to answer the questions of Islamonline viewers today, and we also thank all those who participated in this dialogue. We apologize for not being able to accommodate all the questions within the time allocated to this session. Look out for upcoming sessions
Answer
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Name
shagufta
- India
Profession
none
Question
dear scholers
asa
i am posting in parts as i feel the time may run out on the session. please help me out , is thre a way i can deal directly with u so u can guide me thru e-mails . i am afraid as mykids rgrowing up and r at an age where i dont want to destabalise the still harmonious home atmosphere which we both in our own ways r trying to maintain. if the kids come to know of it from somewhere else what then.as its a compltet secret , i cant say anything to anybody , now we hav his old mother/divorced sister[no kids] living with us , i am handling all domestic,outsideaffairs of the house bsides having amedical practice , the strain is too much , i think its not a healthy way of continuing life . even he cant come to adecision.our society plus our understanding during 19 years of knowing each other is not conduive to accepting this marriage as my own marriage with him was not play but i hav been conducting it with a view to alasting commtment and this marriage is based on just attraction.now i feel what is my status.
Answer
As salamu `alaykum my dear sister.
It is surprising how tim runs away with us when we are facd with so many challenges that we can't even take tiem to com up for air to breathe.
Even though it is difficult to understand precisely what your circumstances are, it is apparent that you have done your best for everyone concerned and that maybe there has been no space for you to find your place within the marriage with your husband.
If you are finding it difficult to sustain the marriage, it is time for you to slow down in some way so that you can get your bearings. This might mean for instance:
Arranging time-out for just you for instance, by visitng a friend, a dear relatiev that you have not seen for a while, time in a natural environment: a park area, by the river, the woods etc., basically time for you to breathe without all the demands around you.
Arranging time-out for you and the chhildren according to age ( for your teenager might have different needs to the younger ones)
Arranging time-out with you and your husband alone
Of course you might meet with some resistance from your mother-in-law and sister-in-law, but once you can see that you are entitled to do this, with all the compassion you can offer kindly suggest "Oh, I wont be long just taking (child's name) out for a while" "Oh, sorry I was late, I just went for a walk. I thought it would be good for me to freshen up before returning home"
If you say it apologetically as if you have doen something wrong, then of course you will meet with resistence, but if you say it as if it is somethign normal, and that you are goign to do it anyway and they can manage without you for a while then the way forward is more open for you.
Starting with your mother-in-law (taking her out) will help matter a lot and then your husband becuase then he will be more likely to go seeing as you have taken his mother and he can act as a source of encouragement when you take the children.
The time you spend with your husband is crucial for relaxing together, being recpetive to one another and for establishing new way forward witht he children.
You cna always write to us through Cyber counselor if you want further guidance.
May Allah bless you and all your family this Ramadan... Hwaa
Name
shagufta
- India
Profession
none
Question
Esteemed scholar
My husband contracted a secret marriage 4 years back with a52 year old divorcee whose daughter from her first marriage is now 22 year old and living with her. Her father is a christian westerner who is also now married with children living in England. Before all this me and my husband had a perfect marital life ,I am 43 and my husband is 50 years old , we have a 16 yr old son and a11 yr old daughter. The second marriage is a complete secret with none of a our families involved and without my consent , I understand that second marriage without a legitimate reason is not a religiously good deed. What I want to know is the status of this secret marriage , with a grown up girl living in the same house. Secondly I have kept a very good atmosphere in the house despite this heavy / painful burden on my heart and mind . I am an intelligent characterwise sound and aprofessional person with avery simple but strong nature ,that’s why I kept his secret so that he may have time to rectify the situation as I know that he is avery decent person and this act was very out of character for him . but now I feel the daughter will be a graduate with a potential of a good job and during this time he has made the mother financially secure.she was his secretary when he married her , now in the last few months I hav come to know thru friends that the lady is not a characterwise sound person and now I feel that he may be becoming a different kind of person because of her influence, I still hav to find proof of her any bad character . in any case now I feel the time has come to resolve this matter in an amicable manner so that my growing children and family are not affected by any scandal . so I hav to have reasons according to shariah which may allow me to present my case strongly. Please also advise me about how to make my husband realize that a action not favorable in the eyes of god has been commited plus that continuation in such a manner is not in his familys wellfare . as no one knows accept few in her family I find it very hard to carry on as if everything is alright in my life. And please note that whatever the other persons character may be I hav no ill feelings toward anybody and I mean no harm to anyone .i daily pray to alllah that he knows better and if there is any influence of shaitan then please help me to resolve this matter peacefully and guide me to the correct path . its my intuition plus my concern for him and my family that I feel the time has come to resolve it. Also since this has happened instead of being happy he is turning into a sad / depressed person . so please guide as to the status of this marriage so that I can understand better.also please pray for me and my family.
JAZAKALLAH. Also can I pray istikhara for divine guidance whether my husband should this lady or not. Iwill be inshallah performing hajj with my son and husband this year , is it advisable to open up adirect clear decision oriented discussion alongwith a sensible mutual friend which will take place during this month before hajj.Please advise me that if the other ladys company is not advisable 4 him because of her character isn’t it my farz as afriend , mother , wife to sort of force him to confront the stuation and make a decision , only then we can help him to execute a separation, as I have his well-being very close to my heart .
