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Answer
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Name
Inam
- Pakistan
Profession
Question
I am a Muslim (Sunni) with a very strong belief in ALLAH and living a happy life (al hamdu Lillah) with no such worries.
Allah has been always very kind and generous with me. I am married with a 2 year old son. We all are living together with my MOM Except me all my brothers and sisters are abroad. I have been in Job from the last 7-8 years in different organizations.
I switched from an Internet company after working 4years to a Bank on a Managerial Position as a permanent employee for a better growth. The department was Credit Cards and I was working there as Area Sales Manager. I was very happy & satisfied in the beginning. I had good performance and worked really hard.
After almost 6 months, the Management forced to resign -- 12 Managers like me on the basis of "so-called" performance from the entire country. All my statistics show that performance is just an excuse, as they wanted to shrink the operations, as they were unable to meet the expenses. In short I resigned, and started finding another job confidently with my past experience and performance.
Now it has been more than 3 months now: I am jobless and I still have not been able to find any reasonable job. I've given so many interviews, and when I resigned I thought that finding a new job will not be a problem but at the moment there is a war going on in my mind with my inner self. I made du`aa' regularly after every prayer.
I know ALLAH must have some plans for me, and I am going through a test. I try to compose myself. Try not to worry. Try to be calm. But it's hard to sit at home for a professional person. My wife keeps on asking me about the job. I sometimes feels myself looser. Sometimes I feel that someone has done black magic like thing, but I am not at all superstitious.
Kindly tell me the best way of making du`aa', best time of du`aa', and the best du`aa' for ones rizq.
I mean how can I be more convincing in du`aa'. What should I say? Why this is happening to me?
Is it right to work in a bank (Non-Islamic). How can someone get more rizq? Everyday I feel myself going a step back. What does Islam advise us in such a frustrating situation?
I hope you know what someone feels like in this situation.
Answer
This is a very frustrating situation, and one many of my clients are experiencing at this time. I have also been in a similar situation myself. It is part of the human condition that life changes and flows like a river and we, as humans, must flow with that river on the path Allah has chosen for us. However, as it often takes us time to adapt to each new situation, it is a challenge for us to continue adapting over and over even though that is what life requires of us.
Sometimes it may seem like you "just" got settled into one job and were feeling happy and secure and the something happened to change that. Or you "just" felt like life was peaceful for a few days and then the car breaks or someone becomes ill.
In such circumstances it can often help your spiritual development to see it as a "test" from Allah as you indicated. However, the test is often not the difficulty itself, but more often a test of your ability to submit to the will of Allah and "go with the flow" that life brings.
On one side you could see that:
"Sigh...Allah is testing me with this difficulty and I must suffer to learn a lesson or prove I am worthy"
On the other hand you could that:
"Ah!Allah has other wonderful plans for me. A window has closed but a door has opened somewhere else. I trust in Allah's plans and I am going to find that open door."
You can start by asking yourself:
"What do you need to get done during this time without work?
"Have you been so busy that your family needed more time with you?
"Do you need to spend some more time connecting with your family?
"Were you unhappy in your old job or not feeling spiritually satisfied with it (as your last question indicated) and you need to seek out a job that is more suitable?"
" Do you need some time to think about what job is right for you before you venture into the job market again? "
"You could ask yourself so many questions."
However, much energy and positive thought can come from seeking the best outcome instead of assuming the worst. When we trust that Allah always wants the best for us then we can remain positive and open to the new opportunities that come our way.
If you are seeking a du`aa' for this time I would recommend a du`aa' that asks Allah for guidance in where the "open door" is. Ask to be shown what the wisdom of this time in your life is.
I have counseled many people that started out very confused, frustrated and upset about this transition time in their life. However, when they looked at in in a more positive, trusting light they discovered wonderful things about themselves and were thankful, later, for the opportunity they had received.
I hope this is helpful.
Blessings & Health,
Kristie Karima Burns, MH, ND
Name
Nebiyou
- Ethiopia
Profession
Question
May be it's strange to ask, but I am thinking about it lately.I am 23 and and I was a university student. I have been working as a professional for 2 years. My question is... I think everybody knows being in 20's -- sometimes I feel lonely and unhappy. I hope it's a natural thing, but it's been really difficult for me to fight my feelings.I have never been in relationship, but my feelings are too high sometimes. I do lots of sport to make things cooler, but some how it's natural, and I can't help it. Sometime I feel like I need to love someone, and then on the other hand their are lots of parameters that I should attend to like:
Iman
Religion
Education
External beauty
I hope u get my point... just say something helpful.
Answer
You are right, this is a very natural thing. However, the age is not related to the feeling. In one's 20s there is an illusion that "this will pass once I find someone to share that love with" or "if my relationship with my family/friend could improve I would feel less lonely". This illusion is kept alive by movies, books, friends, family and culture.
However, the feelings you are experiencing are more universal than that. Men and women who are married have the same feelings. Sometimes these feelings can feel worse because they may feel alone and unloved by the person they are with, and yet they are not free to seek out that love with another person. Sometimes even people in wonderful relationships have this feeling. They feel that perhaps things were good "last week", but "this week" they feel so lonely and alone and the person they love does not understand what they are going through. Everyone has these feelings.
These feelings of being alone are part of the human experience. They are not only normal, they are also healthy.
In the spirit of Islam we are all really just drops in one body of water. We are never alone. We are part of a larger being that always functions together. Think about how each action a person, government or group performs has an effect on those around them. We cannot escape from being part of the "whole".
The feeling of being alone is actually our ego wanting to try to escape from that one-ness of all brothers and sisters in Islam. The ego wants to go out and find their own love and their own unity and to be alone with someone else. Our ego is always wanting something of its "own".
Once we can let go of that feeling of wanting to "own" the love and we open ourselves up to the natural companionship that exists in life, many feelings of love can flow in.
When you realize that you are one with all your brothers and sistes in Allah there is love coming from all directions. Perhaps it is the person who smiled at you at the grocery store instead of just "doing their job in a miserable way" as some people do. Perhaps it was a phone call from a family member or a kind e-mail. Perhaps it is this response from me, as I am connecting with the feeling you have and feeling love towards you and feeling that you are one with all of us.
We also need to learn to bask in the love of Allah through prayer and service to Allah. The more love and companionship we give, the more that will be reflected back on to us and we will feel that One-ness.
On a practical level I would suggest venturing forth, and finding people to connect with and love - even if it is small. Give a compliment to the person who serves you at a restaurant and meet their eyes when you speak to them. Send a kind e-mail to a relative that does not hear from you often enough, etc...
This love that you put out there will come back 100 fold.
As it is natural to seek out marriage and love and physical companionship, you will also be seeking this out. However, your life will be much richer and balanced if you learn from an early age to find love and companionship in many varieties and in may ways and consider marriage and physical relationships as just part of that paradigm.
Insha-Allah this is helpful.
Blessings & Health,
Kristie Karima Burns, MH, ND
Name
Samera
- South Africa
Profession
Question
I have been married for 2 years now, al hamdu Lillah, and I have been living with my husband's parents and siblings. His sister is very sarcastic most of the time, and it often makes me upset. Whenever I approach my husband about it, he gets cross with me, saying that I don't understand his family, and how I am not willing to accept them. I have a good relationship with his parents, it's just his sister's "joking", sarcastic remarks that get to me. She sometimes makes comments about my family in a "joking" way which I laugh off but feel hurt inside. Could you please advise me on how to make my husband understand that it is not acceptable to me. Shukran
Answer
Dear Sister,
Bisimillah ir-Rahman ar-Rahim...
I have experienced this same situation before as well as having worked with clients who have foudn themselves in similar situations.
The challenge for us all is to understand two things:
1. The feelings of being upset we have is the responsibility of the sister and not the husband.
2. We can change ourselves, but we cannot change others. Life may give us what it will, however, we choose how we want to accept the gifts that life gives us.
Taking the first lesson we can learn, I would suggest that you do not involve your husband. It may seem like he "should" be standing up for you or he "should" have some role in the relationship you are having with his sister. However, you may find that even if he does help you, the results may not be exactly what you expected. If you want to create a more ideal relationship with his sister, you will need to do this yourself, and keep it between her and you. This suggestion can also be applied to many situations - so if you had a coworker at work that was bothering you it would also be better to deal with it with her instead of using your boss as a go-between. Or if you have a dispute with your sibling it would be better to talk to them instead of your mother. It is always best to be direct, honest and to keep things between two people. It helps protect the privacy of those people, and it helps keep the situation less confusing., because, everyone will have a different perspective on what is happening. So the more people that get involved, the more confusing it will become.
Dealing with a person directly also fosters more trust and more of the possibility that your relationship with her can become a positive one. If she feels you are talking about her with other people she will not trust you and she will not want a good relationship with you. Things will never truly go well, even if one or both of you is able to "fake it" the underlying animosity will still be there.
The second lesson we can learn is that we can always change ourselves but we cannot change others. From years of counseling and living I have come to realize that most of what people do "to us" is not personal "towards us". Many people are simply dealing with their own challenges and issues in life and we happen to just be in the way. It might help to do some research on your sister-in-law's temperament and your own. What temperament is she? Is she of the phlegmatic, melancholic, sanguine or choleric temperament? Is her joking towards you her way of dealing with the way your temperaments mix or is it simply her way of dealing with the world in general?
Although she may put forth these comments with your name in them and direct them towards you they most likely have less to do with you and more to do with her own issues she is struggling with.
You can empower yourself once again and choose to take these comments in a different way. If you listen to her comments and choose to remain hurt and upset, you are giving power to negative energies in your life. If you choose to accept these comments, not take them personally, perhaps try to understand them with compassion (why is she so hurt she needs to hurt others?) you can take the negative power away from these comments and "difuse" them.
On a practical level you can ask some more questions in your mind. Is she so hurt she feels the need to hurt others? Is she feeling threatened by you and feeling she needs to bring down your status? Is she perhaps just socially clumsy and does not realize she is hurting others? This is very possible and I have met many people like this. It is sad for them because they go through their lives feeling that people dislike them but they don't know why.
Most likely she is dealing with one of these issues above or another issue. Once you can remove yourself from the formula and remove your husband from the formula her comments will just become "one of the many comments you hear every day" and will not be more or less significant than the person who just said to you at the dinner table, "can you please pass the salt?"
However, before I close I do want to share that I am very aware of how difficult it is to deal with negative emotions from another person on a daily basis. The proximity and frequency of the negative energy makes it hard to avoid. You can help yourself by saying prayers against negative thoughts and energies, by envisioning a protective "bubble" around yourself that does not let negative energy in, and by trying to spend as much of the day as possible with positive energies so the little negative energy you do experience will not be as powerful. Herbally, it is said that cinnamon sticks repell negative energy. They certainly do smell wonderful! Sometimes just having one in my pocket makes me smile.
I am very close with my husbands aunt and her daughters (who are a little younger than myself), but particulary close to the mother as she helped me find Islam. From time to time I help, when asked, with the relationship of the aunt and her older divorced daughter as she can be the source of much worry.
Whilst in the company of the daughter I was shocked to see her proudly smoking, and was so disappointed. The next time i spoke to her mother I told her that her daughter was smoking, and I was sorry to be the bearer of bad news. I said that I hoped that if one day my daughter was doing such a thing that someone would do me the same justice..... The Mother was greatful. However the daughter is now slandering my name, speaking ill of me, and that i betrayed the friendship. This is really effecting me, and making me question my motives. I do not think it very nice to see a young girl in hijab to be smoking as this may lead to other things. I am really upset by her and her friends caomparing me to a snake and the like... Am I in the wrong, and am I misguided?
Answer
It is unfortunate that you had to be named as the person who delivered the "bad news".
You did the right thing:
A good rule of thumb is that if the person you see is hurting themselves or others it is your duty to report them to a parent or teacher or other person who can help
If a person is doing something you don't approve of, but it is not really causing great harm or if by revealing it to the public it would cause greater harm (like in the case of betrayals) then it is best to let the secrets of that person stay with them and let them reveal themselves over time in a natural way.
Sadly, from the time we are school-children it is ingrained in us that we are not supposed to "tell on" our friends. Sometimes even teachers reprimand a child at school for "telling on" people too much. Sometimes they are. Sometimes children will go to the teacher with everything. They will say, 'Ahmed call me a name. Ahmed took my pencil. Ahmed kicked my chair." and it can become annoying.
However this is a case where society has, to a large extent, "thrown the baby out with the bathwater". That is a phrase that means that when there is a problem people sometimes throw out the entire situation completely including the problem, but also including the solution!
So what we are taught from childhood is that "telling on people is bad" and "telling on friends is a betrayal". Many friends will then use this power against their friends and use it to justify or hide their wrong actions. Instead of admiting they are wrong, they will turn the "wrong" on another person by saying, "you betrayed me by telling on me" or "you are a tattle-tale!" These are taunts heard in the school-yard all the time and they, sadly, continue into adult-hood.
What we should be taught, and what some schools are now trying to teach, is that: yes, incessant "tattling" is annoying and wrong. However, if someone you know is hurting themselves or another, it is your duty as a compassionate human being to find help.
I have read hundreds of news stories that tell the "tale" of a person who was injured or killed in some way because their friends, who knew what they were doing did not "tell" on them.
I often wonder, if people cared more about the person instead of the friendship or the "fear" of being called names, how many lives could be saved.
This young lady will probably be angry at you for some time. That is OK and that is normal. You should stand strong in what you did and simply say to her: "I care much more about you and I love you much more than our friendship. If losing our friendship is the price I had to pay to help you, it is a price I would pay again and again for my love for you is that deep and that strong."
That is all you need to say to her and her friends. If you need to say anything at all. If they ask again or try to make fun of you or call you names or tear apart what you said, just repeat yourself in the same or in a different way.
Turn it into a repeating phrase. Don't vary from what you say or engage in fights or arguments. Stay steady and strong.
"I love you and care about you so deeply I would sacrifice anything for you - even the friendship with you that is so important in my life."
Eventually she will realize the wisdom in what you have done and will realize how much you love her. Some day that phrase many even capture her heart in one of her darkest moments and save her life.
Insha-Allah this is helpful.
Blessings & Health,
Kristie Karima Burns, Mh, ND
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Host
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Profession
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Finally, we would like to thank Dr. Karima Burns for taking the time to answer the questions of Islamonline viewers today, and we also thank all those who participated in this dialogue. you can view the whole dialogue by clicking on "Recent Sessions", or later by going through "Archives".
In regards to dealing with negative emotions is self harm as a Sunni acceptable?
Answer
To answer "self harm as a Sunii is acceptable" or "self harm as a Sunii is unacceptable" would be more suitable to someone who is trained in Islamic law so I cannot answer that question directly or as it is asked. However, I can talk about self-harm in general and some ideas about the general topic.
Self-harm has many facets and many ways of exhibiting itself. One extreme form of self-harm would be suicide. A more mild form of self-harm would be smoking - a practice that damages the body and will eventually lead to debilitating disease and death. In some ways we are all practicing some form of self-harm.
Some people indulge in alcohol or drugs or food. Other people are in relationships that are damaging to them. Other people inflict harm upon themselves for religious or emotional reasons.
There are many things to consider when we engage in these various forms of self-harm.
1. Is it "just" self-harm? Is the parent who is smoking four packs of cigarettes a day and perhaps not going to see their child go to college harming themselves only? Or are they also harming their child? Is the person who commits suicide harming themselves or are they harming those they leave behind more? If a person chooses to engage in any practice of self-harm they need to consider their friends, family and relations and how what they are doing effects them. For you are not only responsible for how your actions effect yourself, but also for how your actions effect those around you.
2. Is your self-harm showing appreciation and love for Allah? By drinking alcohol are people showing respect for the healthy body Allah has gifted them with? Is the person who cuts themselves (a practice among some teens) showing respect and love and appreciation for the glorious beautiful skin Allah has given them? In all that we do we must be celebrating and honoring and showing respect for the gifts of Allah. This is the highest form of worship to be loving Allah in what we do.
3. Is what you are doing mentioned as halal in the Hadith? Is it mentioned as a practice in the Qur'an? When in doubt about something, even about something with my healing clients, I always go back to the Qur'an and Hadith and see if what I am doing, thinking or recommending fits into these guidelines.
We could also explore the different ways we worship, and how some people see Allah as loving and others see Allah as a punisher. And yet Allah has 99 names...do we see and experience all of those?
Insha-Allah this was helpful.
Blessings & Health
Name
mariam
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Profession
Question
I have a partner that has been jailed now for a few years, he has one year remaining. We are not yet married, but have waited until his release. the problem now is that over the years his Islamic knowledge has grown considerably and he has decided that i am not "religious" enough for him to marry, even though I do pray and fast in Ramadan, but he is not there to see it. I consider myself to be a good Muslim, I don't party, I don't drink, I don't do drugs or anything haram. I am not perfect. he has left me feeling that I am not good enough and am not a worthy muslim. i do not wear the hijab yet but i do intend on doing so. In his eyes I am a kafira (non-believer), because I am not good enough, and Ifeel that he is pressuring me to be on his level. How am I supposed to feel or react under this type of criticism?
Answer
Your question is a very good one, in that you are asking "how am I supposed to feel or react?" You are very wise to know that it is your choice as to how you react to this situation. Your choice should depend on what is best for your spirit, emotional and physical well being.
First you need to decide if you want to react at all. If you will be continuing a relationship with this gentleman then you both will need to work out this problem between yourselves. If not, then there is no need to work out the problem.
First, how do you feel when you are with this person? A healthy relationship should leave you feeling uplifted, confident, loved, appreciated and respected. Do you feel like this when you are with him? A healthy spiritual relationship should help you grow closer to Allah. Does being with him help you grow closer to Allah?
If you cannot answer these questions with positive answers then you need to ask the next question, "Are you willing to accept him as he is?" Because there is no guarantee that he will change or the situation will change. Imagine that all you will ever have is what there is now. Are you willing to completely accept that situation and him with an open heart? If so, then you need to move forward with complete confidence. If not, then you need to be able to say "good-bye" and move on.
Assuming you will be continuing the relationship we can address two issues:
How should you feel? You should always feel at peace and feel loved by Allah and feel happy. You can choose to feel that way. Try to interpret what he is saying in this way. If you cannot, perhaps you can see what he is saying as more of him speaking to himself rather than to you. Perhaps it is not all personal. Perhaps he needs to feel the strength of his own faith because that is what is getting him through this situation and the only way he knows how to feel this is to compare himself to others. We are taught to do this from the time we are young. It is a normal way for people to measure their success.
If he needs this reassurance have you tried focusing the conversation on HIM instead of on you? You could try engaging him in sharing what he knows and complimenting him on what he knows.
Perhaps he is not pressuring you, but you are feeling pressure? Oftentimes when we don't feel good enough the other person has not actually said directly "you are not good enough", but we have assumed that.
It is impossible to measure faith by knowledge and intelligence. There are many stories in Islam about how simple men and women had more faith than those of education. Faith does not equal knowledge and knowledge does not equal faith. Faith cannot be measured by men or women.
For now, it might be helpful to focus on his knowledge and exploration of Islam. You could ask him some questions or ask him what his favorite passages are or ask him questions about Islam. There is always more to learn and it seems he is going through a stage right now where he wants to enjoy sharing this knowledge and being respected in some way for it.
Most men appreciate it when women give them the feeling that they are "good enough". If you send him that feeling it will make him much happier than if you strive to be the person you think he wants you to be as a Muslim.
