The session has just started. Please feel free to join us with your questions.
After the session has ended, you can view the whole dialogue by clicking Recent Sessions, or later on Archive .
For feedback and suggestions, please e-mail us at EngLivedialogue@islamonline.net.
Yours,
Islamonline Live Dialogue Editing Desk
Name
Amjad
-
Profession
Question
Why do people tend to raise their children according to cultural norms rather than religious standards?
Answer
This is a very complex but very important question. There are a number of reason why parents tend to raise their children according to cultural norms rather than religious principles.
1. Parents find it easier to raise children according to their own cultural traditions because there is no much effort, time, or energy required. Let us say that parents come from a certain country and they have their own culture that children are not allowed to ask questions. When a child, who is born in another Muslim country or in North America, asks why he or she should not do something which he or she is told it is wrong, parents, instead of explaining simple Islamic principles and rules to them, they tell them, 'this is how we did it and what you should do".
Another example is a child who is told at school that it is Ok to stay up late and watch TV. When a child comes home and say, 'why should not I do that', parents simply reply by saying, 'because it is wrong and we don't want you to do it.' So parents who understand certain Islamic or social behaviour will explain in a different way, according to the Islamic principles. For instance, parents will tell their child that according to Islam, the child is an individual human being, and he is not like that boy who watches TV late at night. As an individual, this child is responsible only for his and her behaviour and if the child watches TV late at night, he will have hard time getting up in the morning on time to go to school, and this means that this child is not taking his own responsibility seriously.
2. Another reason for this problem is that parents generally do not have a solid understanding of their own faith, and particularly the teachings of the Qur'an. So culturally they may say they are Muslims, but their behaviour and their understanding are faulty because they are not able to guide their children in the Islamic way, which can only be understood if the parents take time and go beyond their rituals and saying prayers to explaining the meaning of what the way means in Islam. For instance, when a child misbehaves, in many cultures parents will physically strike the child, but they are not effective in that way, and the child will become stubborn over a period of time. If the parents understood the example of Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) that he was the most tolerant of children, and if they understood the story of Prophet Ibrahim and his son Isma'eel, they will understand that the child learns through patience and explanation.
Therefore, parents choose to teach culture because they think that they are passing on Islamic values and it is an easy way out, and this way they will experience greater conflict.
Name
Raad El-ghassan
- Canada
Profession
Question
How can someone deal with his parents who consider it a must to marry from ladies of his color, language, and culture, if Allah has planned that one finds his future partner among another community?
Answer
This is another common problem that our younger generation is facing. The only way this brother can deal with his parents is that he confronts them with the truth by telling them that Allah SWT has not said in the Qur'an nor did Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) say in his Prophetic Traditions that a man should marry a woman from the same race, language, nationality or color. All what the Qur'an and Sunnah require is to marry someone who is a believing person, and is kind and caring and will respect his parents.
Name
Zayed
- United Kingdom
Profession
Student
Question
Assalamualaykum, do different cultures affect the understanding of Islam to a great extent nowadays? Also, what is that parents should do in order to tackle the problem? Jazak Allah khairan. Thanks a lot for your time.
Answer
Absolutely, the impact of parents' cultural practices has great deal to do with the division among our children. In simple English, Muslims have established mosques according to their culture and nationality. The outcome is that when children interact with a different culture, even though they are Muslims, they still have difficulty because children practice Islam what was taught by their own parents instead of standards that each child can respond and relate to.
So, for parents or leaders of the community to respond to this problem, they need to teach children Islam based on the Qur'anic knowledge and by following the most fundamental simple rule stated in the Qur'an that we are "one Ummah" because we believe in one Book, One God and One message, so the cultural differences are unnecessary.
Parents also need to teach children that they must be tolerant and accepting of differences of color, race, nationality, and even to some extent culture.
Name
umm imad
- United States
Profession
Question
My 13-year old boy came yesterday and told me, "I hate my culture, I hate my faith." When asking him about the reason why he hated his culture and faith, he said the stuff he likes are not allowed in either his culture or faith. I knew from the very beginning that he meant girlfriends, smoking, dancing, music, etc. because a lot of his friends are making negative comments about him at school. I tried as much as I could to explain to him the hadith of the Prophet, peace be upon him, "life is like a jail for the believer, garden for the non-believer" and how much reward he would be getting for being patient and not violating Allah's rules. However, I felt he did not get the message properly. Can you suggest certain tips?
Answer
I think in my professional way, the most useful or effective way to help this young person is not to lecture him but to engage him in conversation and let him tell the mother how is feeling inside. This is because his outward behaviour is a reflection of his internal conflict, and the best way to help him come to terms is to show him unlimited patience and compassion. To the mother she would have to ask Allah sincerely to grant her patience because it is not easy to see a child who is going through personal trauma.
So, if you offer yourself as an individual who will not have judgment or accuse him of bad behaviour but gently remind him that when he feels angry he can pray to Allah by himself to guide him. But he will not listen to you if you lecture him. You must never forget to gently remind him that Allah hears the prayers and the cry of everyone.
Name
Muslima
-
Profession
Question
My daughter insisted on wearing a belly shirt like her peers. The first time she told me that, I got furious and I slapped her. I could not stand such a demand on her part. She has disappeared with one of her non-Muslim friends for 6 days now. Since I slapped her I could not get the police to help me because I might get into trouble. I asked some of her friends and they told me she did not want to come home again. I am so worried about my daughter especially that she might get influenced by her non-Muslim friend. I don't know what to do. Someone told me to sign up for this website and ask some urgent help. Alhamdullilah I found the topic relevant to my issue, and I hope you can suggest some steps I could follow.
Answer
Since your daughter has already left home, you only have two options: one, you may find someone in your community whom the girl will listen to or she trusts; two, you may seek out emotional support so you can deal with your own anger, fear, and hurt. Only then you will be able to confront your daughter, and confront does not mean in a negative way, but in a positive way. So, in future, if the girl wants to wear half a belly shirt, you should negotiate that she can do this and cannot do that, but not to slap her at any time. This is because your daughter knew already how you react to this, and she needed an excuse to leave the house. So, for the mother and father, do everything differently from whatever you have been doing before so the daughter cannot use their behaviour as an excuse for her bad behaviour.
Name
Ali
- Canada
Profession
Law Enforcement
Question
I recently got married. The very first nigth I came to know that my wife was not a virgin. She told me that was raped by the person who actually got me and her married. She said that it happened about four or five times. But as far as I believe that she is lying to me. Since this is my second marriage, so I can understand by looking at her private part that she had done this more than the number of times she is admitting. Secondly, the way she knows every single thing about the physical relationship between male and female also points to a different direction. Also I have been to Canada for over 11 years and I ddid not know the things that she was aware of, since she has never been out of Pakistan....Even at this she has not arrived in Canada yet. What should I do......Can I take her to a gynacologist and get her tested or should I take her words and believe her and forget about her past......But to be honest, my mind does not accept her side of the story.
Answer
You need to take responsibility for this situation to exist. If you are asking what you should do, no one can give you that answer because ultimately you have to be honest to yourself. At the end you are accountable for your own behaviour.
Name
ryann elmassry
-
Profession
Question
I find it very difficult to explain to my kids the obligation of hijab. They call it cultural. When I show them in the Qur'an, they say it does not specify the age. When I bring them the hadith of the prophet where he said if the girl reached puberty she can only show the face and hands, they say, 'how do you know if it is an authentic hadith." I find it difficult. How can I convince my daughters about the obligation of hijab?
Answer
I think if you are reading from the Qur'an, then you should remember that Allah says that we are supposed to teach children through example and give them the good examples and strike a balance between the internalization of religion and the external practices. So the hijab falls as an external Islamic practice. If your daughter have not internalized the simple concept of modesty or dress modesty and part of that is to cover the hair, then you cannot force them but you show them by example and teach them the importance of accountability before Allah, because Allah has given them the intellect, intelligence and freedom and if they choose to ignore all that, then they should be fully prepared that their behaviour will be judged.
Name
Imad Rizvi
-
Profession
Question
I find the title of this session a bit confusing to me. Why do people tend to understand that culture and faith are contradictory? My culture is part of me, I have to uphold it everywhere I go, and this is a teaching of Islam, to love the place, the people, and the culture of the country you were born in. I understand that when certain practices in the culture do not go in line with Islam, I have to give priority to the law of Allah, but in other things, don't I have the right to instill my culture them in my kids? For example, I want my kids to wear the Islamic clothing, but at the same time I want them to love the Pakistani dress code. What is wrong about that?
Answer
Two things are wrong if we stick to our culture without understanding the environment. If you are living in a country where most people are Muslims, then one does not have to worry about the culture or the religion. But if you go and live in another country as a minority, then the culture of the religion, not of the place where they come from, is the best guarantee for a child to have a healthy and balanced sense of the self. This is because wearing outfits or behaving in certain ways in a society such as Britain or North America makes them focus only on those aspects of their culture. But religion transcends and provides a universal identity, and that is the beauty of Islam anyway.
So, there is nothing wrong with the culture per se, but it serves very little purpose for the younger generations.
The second part, I believe, that culture hinders the healthy integration of Muslims into larger society, because it promotes isolation, segregation and assimilation. Culture, when it becomes static, is unhealthy.
Name
M. Jime
- Belgium
Profession
Question
Sister Wahida, I want to ask you a question but I hope you are honest with me. Back home we used to respect our parents, our teachers and our family. We came here and we go to learn other culture. Kids yell at their parents, talk back to their teachers and give no respect to their family members. Who to blame for that? I know of some people who try to raise their kids in Islam and even send them to Islamic school, but their children are still different from those raised back home. Who to blame for that?
Answer
I will be very honest and I will base my response on professional experience for almost 25 years. The complaints or the questions that you have asked also concern great many non-Muslim parents. So in reality children behaviour is beginning to have a serious impact on the well-being of both family and society. For Muslim children, I believe, that if the teachings of Islam were done in a practical way, they will then learn that being polite and kind to parents have personal rewards. For example, children want to be liked, they want a place in the family so we must educate Muslim parents to be kind and to be affectionate and loving so the children will return that kindness and care.
Unfortunately, many Muslim parents who come directly from different parts of the world, have a tendency to imitate local, social behavior themselves, and the end result of this is that their children behave even worse than they do.
As Muslims, we were taught in the Qur'an that no matter where we live or raise our children we must participate to point out what is wrong in society and promote what is good.
I hope I have given you an honest reply and I also hope that you will do your part.
Name
Bilal
- Canada
Profession
Programmer
Question
Dear Dr. Valiante,
My wife has become a source of anxiety in my life. She is readily given to nushuz (rebellion) and is leaving me with few options. I have decided that it is time to resort to my rights in Sura 4:34 and discipline her to bring her back to a straight path. Can you please advise on the best way to discipline an unruly wife?
Thank you.
Answer
Legally you cannot beat, torture, or even physically punish her, because Canadian Law is very clear on that. As far as the Islamic understanding according to Prophetic tradition goes, we all know that Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) never hit any of his wife. When he had an issue with his wife Aisha, he sent her one month to her home and took one month to decide what he wanted to do about the situation and how he wanted to resolve it. So, you should do likewise and reflect on your own behaviour and what you think you can change to make things better, and then find someone who is capable and is not a friend of your wife or you, to address and counsel both of you. If you both agree to change your behaviour, honestly you should continue living together. That is the best you can do as a Muslim husband in Canada.
Name
Radia El-Annani
- United States
Profession
Question
In my culture smacking and spanking kids are Ok since there are situation that you need to take a serious action to make your kid feel that it is important. I now live in North America and I find it extremely difficult to raise a child without using this traditional method. I am against beating or strong hitting, but I think it is Ok to spank or give a light smack. What do you think?
Answer
I don't know about the American law against corporal punishment, but in Canada a parent still has the right to discipline their children by giving a light smack or slap on the bottom part, not on the face, and is not allowed to use any object to hit the child. If any instrument is used and the child is hurt, then it is a criminal act. But as a suggestion, I like to propose to you that you can discipline them in many other ways:
1. If they are between the ages of 5-10 then take away their favorite toy, book, and whatever privileges they have for one week. They will then learn self-discipline. And when they listen to you and do the right thing, then you must praise them.
2. Everyday you make a list of all the good thing the your children do, and before they go to sleep you should tell each child only the good things. If you keep this up you will not need to beat the kid.
3. The teenage years is when the children want to test their parents and the best way you can avoid confrontation and argument and anger is to give them choices. For examples, if the child says, 'I will not help you with the house work or go to bed on time', then give them options: if you don't go to bed on time, then you cannot see your friends, watch TV, so instead of getting angry talk to them, and that is the most practical way. And what I said about making a list for the younger children is equally applicable for the older ones. They want to know how good they are.
Name
Yousef
- Canada
Profession
Question
Assalamu alaikum,
How should topics such as homosexuality be brought up in this society? Also, how should it be dealt with if a child thinks that he or she is a homosexual?
Jazakum Allahu khairan.
Answer
To deal with topics such as homosexuality with children is very simple. First you tell them exactly what the Qur'an said about homosexuality and that it is not permissible because we are told that Allah created a pair of everything. So there is man and woman, father and mother. But it is not for us as human beings to judge them because as long as we follow what our religion says, then that is the most important thing.
As for the second part of the question, you need to ask the child questions: how and why they feel this way? It all depends on how this child will answer those questions and then the parents can help that child understand that perhaps what he is thinking or feeling is because the society now tells them that it is all right to be homosexual.
Name
Editor
-
Profession
Answer
Finally, we would like to thank Sister Wahida C. Valiante for taking the time to answer the questions of Islamonline viewers today, and we also thank all those who participated in this dialogue. We apologize for not being able to accommodate all the questions within the time allocated to this session. If you feel your question is very important, feel free to contact us at EngLivedialogue@islamonline.net and we will try our best to answer your question. We request our readers to join us in upcoming sessions.
