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Name
Najeeb
-
Profession
Question
What is the subject of this live dialogue? Thank You.
Answer
Thank you for your question. This live dialogue is intended by the IOL Management to assist those brothers and sisters who are facing challenges with pre-marital relationships, i.e. they are in "love" and not yet married. We want to talk about how they can set themselves free from such relationships so that they can return to obeying Allah the Almighty.
Name
Dohei
-
Profession
Question
Is it a sin to get in love so you set yourself free? Could you please clarify your topic?
Answer
Thank you for requesting clarification. Love is an emotion that has been bestowed in the hearts of the believers by the mercy and grace of Allah Almighty. Therefore, being in love is not in itself a sin. The potential for sin exists when one loves outside the bounds set by Islamic teachings. For today's topic in particular, we are discussing the bounds set by Islam regarding pre-marital relationships and we are hoping to help those of our brothers and sisters who find themselves now prisoners of love, i.e. they are in a pre-marital relationship and wish to turn back to Allah in repentance. Hope this helps. And Allah knows best.
Name
Kaldoun
- United States
Profession
Question
How does Islam view love and emotions?
Answer
Allah Almighty has endowed human beings with the ability to experience various emotions, among them love. In the Qur'an, the term "hubh" is used and the English term "love" is only a close but not an exact approximation of the meaning of "hubh".
With regard to actually experiencing love, we must make certain distinctions. First, the believers are must love Almighty Allah the most. There can be no association of partners with Allah Almighty and thereby in the loving of Allah, we must strive to be perfect, i.e. our love must be completely and solely for Allah.
Second, the believers must love Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him, and follow whatever he has taught us by the will of Allah. In fact, the Qur'an states quite clearly the command from Allah Almighty to Prophet Muhammad regarding loving Allah and following the Prophet: "Say: "If ye do love Allah, Follow me: Allah will love you and forgive you your sins: For Allah is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful." (Chapter 3, Verse 31).
Finally, we are held accountable for who and what we love other than loving Allah and His messenger. The Qur'an warns us to be moderate in our love, to exercise restraint in our love, and most of all, to be constantly striving not to let our love of this world distract us from the love of Allah. We read in the Qur'an, "Fair in the eyes of men is the love of things they covet: Women and sons; Heaped-up hoards of gold and silver; horses branded (for blood and excellence); and (wealth of) cattle and well-tilled land. Such are the possessions of this world's life; but in nearness to Allah is the best of the goals (To return to)." (Chapter 3, Verse 14). It is important therefore that we are aware of our own weaknesses and prioritize our lives in such a way as to live balanced lives.
Hope this helps. And Allah knows best.
Name
Muslim
-
Profession
student
Question
I suggest figured out that my younger sister is in love with a non-Muslim guy and she is adamant to her right to choose what she considers the best for herself. My parents are not yet informed, and I am so worried they would get a heart attack if they do. I am so worried about my sister and I always think about the "worst scenario" if it happens. Could you tell me few tips on how to deal wisely with this problem?
Answer
May Allah Almighty reward you for your sincere concern for your younger sister. Remember that it is by the will of Allah that you have come to know of your sister's wrongdoing. Not only must you help her, if needs be, you must involve your parents because in the end they are responsible for her well-being and they will be called to account by Allah the Almighty.
We suggest that you help your sister by befriending her, by gaining her trust and by showing her how she has made a very sinful and tragic choice. You cannot keep chastising her as that will only make her run away from you. You must help her understand that you are there to support her, to help her and that you realize that she will be broken hearted and feel lots of pain when she ends the relationship. However, if she insists on dating, that in itself is a sin. If she then goes on to marry this non-Muslim man, Islam forbids her from doing so. Therefore, help her to see that there is no way out of this situation except that she ends the relationship with this man. Remind your sister that Allah Almighty is merciful and will insha'Allah forgive her if she repents to Him and will insha'Allah grant her a pious and righteous spouse if she turns to Him in sincere prayer and supplications. Give your sister hope insha'Allah that everything will turn out all right.
If she does not show any inclination to change her ways, then you must inform your parents. You know them best and yes, there is a chance that they will overreact and even worse, that they might suffer some health consequences, however, it is their right to know what their daughter is doing. Do not dramatize or sensationalize your sister's actions when you inform your parents rather be mindful of your speech and share the news with them in the most gentle and merciful manner. Let them also know that there is hope and that with their du'a' and efforts, Allah Almighty may guide your sister to change her ways and to choose to end the relationship.
Over all, please be helpful to your sister by not breaking off ties with her. Be there for her, let her know that you care and that whatever it is she has gotten herself into, there is a way out because Allah is merciful and accepts the sincere repentance of the believers. And Allah knows best.
Name
Anonymous
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Profession
Question
If you loved a girl so much and you tried to marry her but Allah planned otherwise, but you still feel your heart is in deep love to her, especially she is still lives close after marriage. I don’t talk to her alhamdullilah, nor do I try to commit anything that displeases Allah SWT but how do I control my emotions?
Answer
May Allah grant you patience and heal your heart. The situation you describe is one of the most challenging to deal with and that is a prime reason why in Islam, we are not allowed to enter into pre-marital relationships and to essentially "fall in love" before marriage. Pre-marital relationships are not bound by any contract and are forbidden in Islam. Since there is no contract, there is no reason why a young man or a young woman feels committed to remain in a relationship.
We realize you have loved and lost, and that is painful. Minimize if not eliminate any contact with the young woman you loved, who is now married. Be grateful to Allah for guiding you to what is best because we never know if in fact the person we think would have been the best spouse really turns out to be the best spouse. Allah knows best why she married the other man, but she is now married, so let her go. Turn to Allah and let Allah heal your heart insha'Allah. Turn to Allah and repent first if you have committed any sins. Then, continue to make du'a' to Allah to grant you a pious and righteous wife. And Allah knows best.
Name
please help me
-
Profession
Question
I admit I fell in love with a Muslim boy, who also practices Islam. I am not asking about dating this boy, just whether it is haram to fall in love with him and talk to him whenever I see him.
Answer
There is no harm in Muslim men talking to Muslim women, the "haram" comes when there are feelings of love and lust involved. Allah Almighty knows best His creation and He knows that we are forgetful beings. Even though we start off with the best intentions saying we will not commit sin, we will just talk, just hang out, etc, there is always the possibility that one or the other will become vulnerable and attempt to act upon his or her feelings of love. Therefore, Allah Almighty commands us clearly not to take risks, stating in the Qur'an, "And come not near to unlawful sexual intercourse. Verily, it is a faahishah (a great sin) and an evil way." (Chapter 17, Verse 32). This verse startles some people because they say, 'wait a minute, I was so not talking about anything remotely involving physical relations,' and yet, we know that the over time, our self-restraint dissipates and we find ourselves overwhelmed with the pangs of love. We are self-imposed prisoners of love and we do not know a way out of it. Even if this young man does not know you love him, it is still not recommended that you have contact with him unless and until you can bring yourself to stop having feelings for him or you enter into talks about marriage with him. Of course, you would have to involve your family for that! And Allah knows best.
Name
Hamid
-
Profession
Question
What are the boundaries set by Islam to have a "halal" love? In other words, if you know a good girl and you love her, how do you make sure you don't do anything wrong. Point form would do better.
Answer
May Allah reward you for asking this question.
1. Islam forbids pre-marital relationships.
2. There is no such concept as "haram" love in Islam; "love" in itself is a beautiful, pure, "halal," emotion which human beings have been blessed to experience. The feeling of "love" itself cannot be haram but what one loves and how much of it one loves can be haram. The Qur'an reminds us: "Fair in the eyes of men is the love of things they covet: Women and sons; Heaped-up hoards of gold and silver; horses branded (for blood and excellence); and (wealth of) cattle and well-tilled land. Such are the possessions of this world's life; but in nearness to Allah is the best of the goals (To return to)." (Chapter 3, Verse 14).
3. No matter how much one might try to "love" a man or woman before marriage and thinking he or she will not "do anything wrong," Islam does not allow such risk-taking because He who created us and allowed us to love also knows our weaknesses.
4. The Qur'an states clearly, "And come not near unto unlawful sexual intercourse. Verily, it is a faahishah (a great sin) and an evil way." (Chapter 17, Verse 32). Therefore, even with the best intentions with the best of girls, we are commanded not to risk falling victim to shaitan's whisperings to just look, just look with desire, just hold hands, just kiss, etc. etc.
5. If you know a "good girl" and you find that you "love her," we suggest strongly that you be a "good boy" and involve your parents and her parents in talks about marriage. If that is not possible now, then put your love on hold and make sure not to have any relationship with this "good girl" so that she can remain a "good girl" and you can insha'Allah remain a pious, chaste young man.
And Allah knows best.
Name
Umm Tariq
- Australia
Profession
Question
You might be surprised that my grade 4-son came once to me and started talking about a girl in class and he finally told me, “mom, I really love this girl and I can’t imagine I sit in class without her being there.” I was really shocked and starting yelling at him – I admit I lost temper when I was supposed to deal more properly with it. Since then the boy has stopped talking to me about the girl, even though I triggered him a lot of times, but it seems that he does not want me to punish him. I am really disturbed. I thought of pulling him out of the school, but I am really confused if this would aggravate the situation or help a little bit with the situation. I gain my son’s confidence, but how do I do that?
Answer
Thank you for being so frank about this situation. Admitting that we "over-reacted" or "mis-reacted" is sometimes half the battle. Children are very perceptive and they realize that if I come to my parents and share my feelings, I am going to be punished. The best way to recover from what has already happened is to build back the rapport with your son whereby he feels comfortable talking to you. Do not bring up the girl or love or anything related because he will sense what you are doing and will not talk. Over time, you will be surprised, if you son truly feels that you care and that you will not overreact, he will insha'Allah open up and start talking again.
Please be sure to validate his feelings, meaning let him know that it is natural, it is acceptable that he feels something such as love. However, remind him that in our religion, we are taught to exercise restraint before marriage so that we can share that special feeling of love with that one person whom Allah has chosen to be our husband or wife. Help him understand that at his age, he should be focusing on studies and sports and trying to stay out of trouble insha'Allah.
Make du'a' to Allah to help you to rebuild your relationship with your son. And may Allah reward you for being such a caring mother! And Allah knows best.
Name
musliimah
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Profession
student
Question
If a brother and sister were both involved in a pre-marital relationship (without sexual intercourse) before considering marrying, would such a sin subtract from the blessing upon them marrying? Would it be better for the illegal couple to marry or would the better scenario be for them to forget about each other and go their own separate ways? What do you think?
Answer
Thank you for this question. Remember that Allah Almighty has left open the door for repentance and He forgives those who turn to Him with sincere repentance. We read with such hope in the Qur'an, "Say: Oh my servants who have transgressed against their souls! Despair not of the mercy of Allah, for Allah forgives all sins; for He is oft-forgiving, most merciful." [Surah 39, Verse 53]. If you are both truly remorseful and repent, and Allah knows best what is in your hearts, then you are not an "illegal couple." If no one else knows of your sins, then do not disclose what Allah has kept private. However, once you repent, every action after that must be chaste, must be in accordance to Islamic teachings and you must hasten to get married insha'Allah. And Allah knows best.
Name
Adel
-
Profession
Question
Is there anything in the Qur'an and Sunnah to caution against loving a person before marriage? I see the opposite; prophet said: "there is nothing for two loving partners but marriage."
Answer
Thank you for your question. We are not familiar with the saying you attribute to the Prophet. However, when one speaks of "loving a person before marriage," then the obvious question becomes, how did you come to "love" this person? Was there any physical or virtual interaction with that person? Was it that you looked at them once and only in passing since looking at a person with lust, longingly, is prohibited? We answered a similar question in this dialog and that slightly amended response appears below.
There is no harm in Muslim men talking to Muslim women, the "haram" comes when there are feelings of love and lust involved. Allah Almighty knows best His creation and He knows that we are forgetful beings. Even though we start off with the best intentions saying we will not commit sin, we will just talk, just hang out, etc, there is always the possibility that one or the other will become vulnerable and attempt to act upon his or her feelings of love. Therefore, Allah Almighty commands us clearly not to take risks, stating in the Qur'an, "And come not near to unlawful sexual intercourse. Verily, it is a faahishah (a great sin) and an evil way." (Chapter 17, Verse 32). This verse startles some people because they say, 'wait a minute, I was so not talking about anything remotely involving physical relations,' and yet, we know that the over time, our self-restraint dissipates and we find ourselves overwhelmed with the pangs of love. We are self-imposed prisoners of love and we do not know a way out of it. Even if a person does not know that another loves him or her, it is still not recommended that one have any contact with him or her unless and until one can bring oneself to stop having feelings for him or her or one enter into talks about marriage with him or her. Of course, one would have to involve one's family for that! And Allah knows best.
Name
Editor
-
Profession
Answer
Finally, we would like to thank brother Altaf Husain for taking the time to answer the questions of Islamonline viewers today, and we also thank all those who participated in this dialogue. We encourage our readers to join us in upcoming sessions.
