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Name
Hatim
-
Profession
Question
What is the best way to deal with a stubborn wife?
Answer
It is difficult to say how to deal with a stubborn wife because she can be stubborn for many different reasons. For example, a wife may be stubborn because her husband has already developed a wrong conception about how a good wife should be. I have known some committed Muslims, young men, who have read books, ancient Islamic books about the obedience of a good Muslim wife to her husband. These books generally speak about the positive aspect of such women, but do not give the full picture of her life with her husband. Such brothers who formulate an idealistic picture about how a muslim wife should act, to expect total obedience without any resistance or thinking. So here we are talking about the misconception of the husband regarding the disobedience of the behaviour of the wife.
Another reason for stubborness may be the mental or psychological disorders of the wife. Some women who are pathologically jealous and possessive, may creat problems for the husbands because of their suspicion and self centered attitude. In this case, what appear as stubborness may be dealt by psychotherapy or in some most serious csses by psychiatric intervention. Another reason for what appears to be stubborness, may also be caused by similar psychological problems affecting the husband. But for a husband to lead a happy life with his wife, he must remember that every person has certain good qualities and some intolerable qualities and as the Prophet of Islam advised, we should avoid our feelings of intolerance to the negative aspects of the spouse and appreciate the positive ones.
Name
Riz
- Malaysia
Profession
Teacher
Question
Salam professor,
My life is in shambles since one day my family came to know that I am having an extramarital affair. My husband has since then refused to divorce me, though I asked him to, though I tell him I do not love him and though I know he is not the one I want to continue my life with. My family supports him in many ways.
It makes me desperate as I do not know the way out of this marriage of hurt. My affair was nothing sexual, I just have another man who I want to marry. It so happens this way..and when my husband sleeps with me, its like he is raping me. I asked Allah for help and nothing came to me..no solution. Pls help me with some advice?
Answer
In answering this question I will tell you the story of a female companion of the Prophet of Islam. She married a companion of the Prophet who gave her hadiqua - an orchard - as a dowry but after sometime she felt that she does not like him anymore. The thing that trigger this emotional episode is that she saw him from the window of her room, walking in the street among a group of men. She said to the prophet that she saw her husband was the uglies and the shortest in height and the darkest in color among those men.
She suddenly felt no affection for him and told the Prophet that she hated to lose her faith if she forces herself to live with him. The Prophet of Islam, peace be upon him, said to her are you ready to give him back his orchard if he divorces you? The woman replied "Indeed I would be very happy to."
Then the Prophe asked his companion to take back his orchard and to divorce the woman, which he immediately did. This hadith is taken by jurists to justify the ruling of al Khuluq in Islam. It is unfortunate that many of our traditional jurists and shariah justices do not such humane rulings into consideration.
It is also surprising to me how a husband would insist to live with a woman who hates him. In some other Muslim countries other than Malaysia, I know that divorce is given to a woman for much less. For example in the Sudan, the shariah court can give a woman divorce if a husband keeps away from her for more than four months.
Name
Guest
-
Profession
Question
Salamualikom warahmato allahi wabarakato, (Peace & mercy from Allah to be upon you)..
akhea elkarim (Dear brother), I hope you can advice me on my matter since am very confused and don't know what to do or how to act.
I got married (katb elketab only, wedding at end of this year) few months ago after many problems that happened between my family and my husband. since then, my husband has changed with me a lot, he changed his agreements with me in a number of vital things, mostly in that since he hates my family and does not respect them at all or respect my feelings towards them, he told me that after i move with him to his country he will disallow me to visit them or communicate, i refused and told him i cant cut selat-elra7im (one's kindness to his kins), but he said no and that islam states that i have to obey him and to even ask a sheikh, which i did and sent him the reply, which stated that its him who disobeys Allah and I should not agree, as i did this, he became more stubborn with me, cold and ignorant. i just feel he wants to control me so much, as i told him how i feel he said if you really love me you would not say i try to 'control', but many things happened that prove that. As well, I dont deny he stood by me and been a great person in the past (which he keeps reminding me of all the time), but he has changed so much, and told me i have to obey him blindly otherwise he will just be normal, meaning not caring, cold and ignorant. I just dont know what to do, I cant obey him in his wrong doings and he will not admit he is wrong. I also cant talk to no one about this, i cant go to tell my family my husband doesn't want me to know you people, they will divorce me from him. I still care and love him, but I dont know for how long i can hold on, he is abusing me emotionally. At 1st he used to use Islam thinking that Islam would support him, after I told him the reply of sheikh, he said no, im sorry I know my religion. Please advice me.
Walsalam,
Answer
If you still love the man, and wish to continue living with him then you must find a way by allowing your family to visit you rather than you visit them. But if you fear that your life with him does not ensure the Islamic aspects that has been mentionned in the Holy Quraan, which are tranquility, love and merci, then you must make an Istiqarah as to whether you should continue with this marriage or not. Since it is a few month that you married him I presume that you do not have children, and if you decide to end this marriage, it may be the right time now. However, if you love him to the extent that you are ready to bear with all his demands, then you should bear the consequences of your decision.
Name
Maryam
- Norway
Profession
student
Question
Assalaamu aleikum!
I have been a Muslim for seven years. Some months ago I left my husband who had been abusing me verbally and physically for seven years of marriage. We married when I was 16 only.He was not praying until I said I wanted a divorce some years ago. But still he kept me afraid of him. The muslims in the community here whom I turned to for help and advice all told me that if I stayed with him that would be better, even if he was violent. I should be patient and then I'd have jenna, insha Allah. And they would relate some ahadith sying that Shaytan would make that jinn King over the shaytans, who could brake up a married couple, and thet'd say that Allah hates divorce etc. Even if they knew this had been going on for years, and I told them it was making me totally depressed. Why do Muslims give these advice? I am not able to make it fit with my knowledge of Islam that a woman should have to suffer her whole life under a tyrant husband. Please try to explain.
Wa salaam,
Maryam..
Answer
As I have mentionned to a sister in this session, a woman can be given the right to divorce even if she simply lost her affection and love to her husband.
This right to divorce is given to her even if the husband is not violent and is not doing anything violent to her. It is only you who can judge your capacity for patience.
A woman must be patient to be living with a person who is mistreating her and for whom she has no love. This is like sustaining permanent punishment. If you a person to sacrifice by giving away all his money, it can be tolerated because the person may work to make more money and may forget his sacrifice. But to ask a person to be patient with an aggressive spouse, is to ask the person to sacrifice every second of his life. I believe that many of our modern traditional jurists continuously advise women to sustain intolerable punishment. This is not Islamic.
Name
Salaama
-
Profession
Question
Salaamu Alaikum,
Thank you for this opportunity. I have been married for 12 years and have 3 children. My husband was once a very dedicated provider for the family, but I felt a need to help when he decided to go back to school. I took a full time job a few years ago and ended up becoming the full time breadwinner as my husband decided not to work. His financial contributions became sporadic as he did things without taking shura with me; i.e opening a store, bringing family members from overseas to stay for a while, traveling himself. While I worked and cared for the children, paying all bills.
My job went bankrupt and I was laid off. This was a blessing for me as it meant time for me to focus on my children. But my husband won't keep a job. It has been almost a year since I was laid off and he have obtained and quit 3 different jobs. He is currently not working. He sleeps during the day and stays up at night (insomnia).
Please know that my husband is a practicing Muslim and he admits he is wrong. He blames his problems on the Shaytaan. But I don't know how to help him. I think I have helped too much by taking over his responsibilities for so long and neglecting my own. What to do?
Answer
Dear daughter, you did not tell us about your country. If you are living in Europe or the US, then maybe you will able to be paid a special for the unemployed. But if you come from one of the countries of the Islamic countries or the third world, then you will have to work to feed your family.
If your husband cannot keep a job, but you can keep one, then I will advise you to be optimistic and about finding another job that will help you to become the bread winner of the family.
I do not like the way you are looking at the problem. If you continue this pessimistic approach, you may end up as a depressed woman. It seems to me that your general mood, your emotional mood is not allowing you to optimistically look around for possible job opportunities for you or your husband. So please be optimistic, make doa to Allah and diligently look for a job. I would also advise you to seek the help of relatives, yours or of your husband. One of them may be in a position to offer you a job or fruitful suggestions.
Name
shareif
- Austria
Profession
Question
If my wife is too sick to make sex with her, and i am going to get maried with other sistr is it consedered treason?
Answer
No definitely not this is not a treason if you are a practising Muslim. If you are a young man who maybe indiced into fornication, because your wife is too sick or your wife is very sick, then it is obligatory for you to marry another woman.
If you do not, then you may be a sinner.
Name
Somaya
- Norway
Profession
student
Question
Assalaamu aleikum,
What is wrong with western Psychology seen from an Islamic perspective?
Answer
Any psychology in any civilization concerns the adjustment and happiness of the citizens of that society. This is by necessity based on the philosophy of the society concerned.
The pioneers of Western Psychology have used their discipline to justify the secular and anti-religious revolution that dethroned the church.
We as Muslims, have had no problems between religion and science and our conception of man is quite different from the conception of western modernity that use man as an animal and that is politically governed by a democracy that has no respect for the ethics based on traditional religion.
Accordingly if psychology is to be used by Muslims, it must be based on an Islamic world view.
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