The session has just started. Please feel free to join us with your questions.
After the session has ended, you can view the whole dialogue by clicking Recent Sessions, or later on Archive .
For feedback and suggestions, please e-mail us at EngLivedialogue@islamonline.net.
Yours,
Islamonline Live Dialogue Editing Desk
Name
Parves Ahammad Khan
-
Profession
Question
Dear Sir,
As Salamu Alaikum. I need suggestion about one of my friend’s marriage. He has seen some girls for marriage purpose. Among them he selected two to make final decision for one.But he can not take decision whom to select.
I would like to give some description here of these two girls.
One is studying in Pharmacy, very talent, capable of adjusting with family members but not tall enough and complexion is not fair enough. Her blood group is also same to my friend. My friend saw her first and kept her as one option if he does not get anyone better to her he will marry her.He kept contact with her over phone and over message but none of their communication expressed love or made any commitment to marry each other. But somehow my friend hangs her as an alternative option for last 3 months.
By the mean time some of his guardian saw the girl and family members divided in to 2 groups. Some are blind lover of this girl for her talent and behavior but some other are not liking her for her short figure and complexion.
For another girl my friend had not intension to see her at the very initial stage but for family pressure he saw her. At once he saw, he saw, he discovered that she is very competitive to the first girl. This 2nd girl is also educated, completed post graduation in Zoology, well behaved, fair complexion with very good tall figure. But her problem is that she is not talent enough as the first one is.
Most of members of my friend’s family do not want to get him married with this girl. But some are very strong about her.My friend understands that this is his life and his decision will be final. But he his suffering for a week to decide whom should he pick as life partner. As friends we suggested him a lot but when we discuss we also get confused whom to select.
By now the first girl’s family comes to know that he may get married elsewhere and they have become emotional though no commitment was made from him or his family but it is true that some how she was hanged up.My friend is also confused if there will be any problem in future having same blood group. At first he knew the about the same blood group, then he checked with some persons, studied articles from news paper on this and grown belief that this will not be a problem and continued phone communication with the first girl but now he is getting confused again. Thinking all these he gets confused again and again.
In this situation my friend’s mental condition is declining and can not make any decision.
Can you please help here advising directly whom should my friend select as wife?
I will be grateful if I can help my friend getting your valuable suggestion. For your kind info my friend is Muslim and the girls are also Muslims. Ma as salam
Answer
Thank you for submitting this question. We recommend highly that you submit this question to the Cyber Counselor service. The Live Dialogue is not designed for such detailed questions. Thank you.
Name
Sakeena
- India
Profession
Question
In today's time and age, it is difficult to trust any person, regardless of their good intentions. I will be getting married soon, but I would like to ask my fiancé to have an AIDS test. How do I go about convincing him to do so, without offending him? Thank you.
Answer
Congratulations on getting married. There should be no offense taken depending on how you ask. The AIDS test is obviously something very important to you and the idea is to have your future husband understand how important it should be for him as well. One sure way to go about convincing him to take the AIDS test is to be ready to take the AIDS test yourself. This way, you are modeling for him the behavior which you desire to see in him. Remind your future husband that the AIDS test is a precaution for both of you.
We make du'a' to Allah that everything works out for both of you. And Allah knows best.
Name
raeesa
- United Kingdom
Profession
Question
As-Salamu'alayum. What is the best way to meet someone for marriage and to get to know him or her? The concept of a guy coming home to see a girl is practically outdated and dating and meeting on the internet is the norm now. Please advise.
Answer
No matter how outdated on the surface the practice of getting to know someone in a dignified manner seems, there is very real wisdom behind that old-fashioned approach. While dating and meeting on the internet might seem like the norm, they do not conform to Islamic teachings. No matter how desperate one is to find a spouse, there is absolutely no condition under which a pre-marital relationship could be allowed. As for meeting on the internet, the only allowable approach seems to be one in which people enter their information into a database and an attempt is made by the people running the matrimonial service to match people based on compatibility, etc. There is again no justification for virtual relationships, i.e. via email or chat rooms.
We suggest strongly that you make it known to family and friends that you are interested in getting married. Then each family member and friend should alert his or her own trusted friends to expand the network further insha'allah. The idea is not to rush the process but to be patient and be engaged in making continuous du'a' to Allah to grant you a spouse who will help to strengthen your relationship with Allah.
While dating and the internet seem to be quick fixes, the former is impermissible and the latter is advisable only as described above via a web-based matrimonial service. One only read the Cyber Counselor section under topics such as "Dating" and "Virtual Relationship" to find out the negative consequences on people's lives. In the end, you must rely on the human network to gauge a person's character and personality. We wish you the best.
Name
Nazeema
- Pakistan
Profession
Question
As-Salamu'alaykum, and thanks a lot for this beneficial live dialogue. My fiancée is working for an international company in a different country, and we got engaged after just one meeting. I am afraid that I don't know anything about his personality, and he is coming next month for a wedding. How can I know him better, and what questions should I ask him to learn about his manners?
Answer
Thank you for asking these very important questions. Congratulations on your upcoming marriage. The good part about all this is that you still have one month before your wedding. The bad part is that you only have one month before your wedding. You must make the most of this month insha'allah.
It is important for you to know your future husband, so we suggest strongly that you use all means available to you to get to know him. You can and should talk to him on the phone, with a mahrem on the line with you. You also need to email him questions but it is very difficult to gauge a person's personality via email or telephone for that matter. Therefore, we suggest strongly that you ask him for references whom your mahrem and you can contact directly so that you can ask them questions about your fiancée.
As for what questions to ask him specifically, we urge you to focus on finding more out about his relationship with Allah, his level of practice and knowledge of his religion, and ultimately, what he assesses to be his own weaknesses and strengths. Ask him how he intends to fulfill his role as a husband and a future father insha'allah. Remember to make the istikhara prayer and seek guidance from Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala before proceeding finally to get married.
Write back to the Cyber Counselor section and seek further advice insha'allah if you should have more questions. And Allah knows best.
Name
Reza
- Lesotho
Profession
Question
As-Salamu’alaykum, I was engaged, but my fiancé passed away a month before our wedding. It is over a year now, but I cannot get past it. My parents have introduced me to several girls, but I have no interest. I realize it is time for me to move on, but how? Thanks.
Answer
We make du'a' for you dear brother, for Allah to strengthen your heart, to grant you patience, and to strengthen your faith and trust in Him. What a test indeed to have one's fiancé pass away so close to the date of the wedding. As you have rightly stated, it is time for you to move on and to get past it, but that does not mean you have to be on a certain schedule. The human heart is not bound by time in its healing process.
Having said that, we do realize that it has been a year and you should begin to think again about marriage. You said that you have no interest in the girls to whom your parents have introduced you. We suggest that you make du'a' to Allah to open your heart to the idea of marriage and especially to guide you to a young woman who insha'allah will be a blessing for your faith, your family and your future.
In considering a candidate for marriage, do your best to remind yourself that through marriage you initially wanted to complete your faith. Now that your fiancé is gone, you must still complete your faith and only Allah knows that perhaps your future spouse will insha'allah be better than the young woman you intended to marry. This might be painful to think about but in the end, our spouses are supposed to help us to get closer to Allah and you should view your current marital search from that perspective insha'allah. And Allah knows best.
Name
younus
- United Arab Emirates
Profession
Engineer
Question
I am thinking of getting married, but the fear of what kind of girl would that be is holding me back. I need a girl that can help me get to jannatul firdouse (Paradise).
Answer
You are on the right track because you are following the teaching of our beloved Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him, who said, "A woman is married for her deen (religious conduct), her lineage, her wealth or her beauty. You must go for the one with deen, may your hands be in the dust! (if you fail to heed)" (Reported by Muslim)
Do not hold back out of fear but rather exert effort in finding a spouse who insha'allah will help you become closer to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. Remember that shaitan will continue to place doubt in your heart about who you should marry but you can offset shaitan's evil whisperings by seeking the guidance and assistance of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala through the the istikhara prayer . And Allah knows best.
Name
Leo
- Germany
Profession
Question
My father-in-law does not like me at all, but we have married and now we want to celebrate our weddings' party. Should we invite him?
Answer
How wonderful that you are married! How not wonderful that you feel your father-in-law does not like you. Your question raises more questions for us than we have answers for you. Are you sure he does not like you? Why do you feel he does not like you? Have you talked to him about your feelings? What are your wife's views on if and why her father does not like you?
You need to talk to your wife about whether or not to invite her father. How does she feel about having her father present? Unless there is some concrete reason to fear that her father will ruin the wedding party, we suggest that you invite him. After all, his daughter is getting married and insha'allah with all the guests you will have to interact with, you can minimize the interaction you have with her father.
No matter what however, her father should not be disrespected. Therefore, whether you decide to invite him or not, treat him with respect. And Allah knows best.
Name
asianmuslimah
- India
Profession
designer
Question
As-Salamu’alaykum, I am a divorcee taking care of my kids. Well, I can’t find a good reason to get married. My son wants to see me married and he is the only one pressuring me; I earn enough to support kids and myself. In fact, I enjoy my freedom where I have no worries of cooking. I have tons of hobbies to take care, my Islamic studies, volunteering. If ever I choose a life partner then he will be PRACTICING MUSLIM. However, I hate the thought of being pregnant again. How do I explain this to my son, he thinks I love working/traveling. Jazakallah khairan.
Answer
Your son loves you very much and insha'allah he wants only what is best for you and for the family. However, as you can imagine, depending on how old your son is, he must also desperately want a father, a man in his life. The best way to approach this topic is to talk to your son and to share with him your anxieties. Let him know that you do not want to become pregnant again. You will be surprised how much children understand about life.
If you do decide to get married and are sure that you do not want any more children, then you will have to be sure to make that point clear to your future husband as well. More than likely, any man who has not been married before will want to have a child of his own. However, there may be men who are divorcees or widowers who might not want any more children if they already have children of their own. In either case, we think it will be difficult to make the issue of not becoming pregnant again as a part of the contract so you have a challenge ahead of you.
The reality is that you do not want to become pregnant again and only Allah knows when/if you will find a suitable candidate for husband. We suggest strongly that in the meantime, you try to have your own male family members and other trustworthy men who can be role models to your son insha'allah. And Allah knows best.
Name
Sadia
- Australia
Profession
Question
As-Salamu'alykum, I recently got married. It was an arranged marriage and my husband is my cousin. He tells me that he never wanted to marry me and he was forced to marry me. But before our marriage he told me he was happy to marry me. I don’t live with him, as after our marriage I had to return to my country of residence and waiting for his visa.
We are having so many fights over the phone. He ignores me totally when I call him. He had a girl friend but now he says he left her. I cannot tell anyone in my family as it will turn in to a war, due to family problems. i cant even tell my parents. I am totally lost and confused. He never cared for me when we lived together. He often pretends like I don’t exist.
When I told him that I am telling my parents/brother, he begs me not to tell and promises he will change, but he never does. This is now daily routine. He never contacts me, I only do.
Today I decided never to contact him and I don’t know where to go. Should I ignite this war or wait him to change when we start to live together or suffer this mental torture. Thanks. Allah hafiz.
Answer
Thank you for submitting this question. You have submitted a similar question to the Cyber Counselor section. Due to the volume of the questions we have in the Live Dialog, we suggest that you refer back to the Cyber Counselor section for a more detailed response to your question. Thank you. The Live Dialogue is not designed for such detailed questions. Thank you.
Name
gbemisola
- Nigeria
Profession
marketer
Question
Is it compulsory I shave a Muslim baby's hair on the 7th day?
Answer
Thank you for this question. The topic today is about marriage so please submit your question to the regularly scheduled Live Fatwa sessions or please re-submit your question to Ask the Scholar service. Thank you.
Name
Adil
- Trinidad and Tobago
Profession
Technician
Question
As-Salamu’alaykum brother, I am going to get married on the 26 of August isha’Allah; however, I am still having problems with the fact that if we are made for each other, we are so different and we don’t usually understand each others feelings at times. It’s very hard because it creates a lot of tension between us, however, I am hoping that when we get married and we are lawful for each other then things may be better, I believe the Shaitan is trying to break us up since we are doing the right thing to get married.
Answer
Alhamdulillah that you will get married in a little less than two months. In order to answer your question we have to ask you some questions: how did you finally choose your future spouse? Did you not talk to her? Get to know her character? Gauge her personality? Reflect on these questions. If it is a matter of usual doubts like, are we really made for each other, then that is perhaps shaitan meddling in your affair. But if the reality is that you are too different, you do not understand each other's feelings at time, and there is a lot of tension between you, then the problems might actually exist within each of you.
We urge you between now and the 26th of August to spend sometime in the company of an Imam, who can help both of you to process your feelings about marriage and especially about each other. You need to have pre-marital counseling because you cannot simply say everything will work out after marriage. Please do not delay in getting pre-marital counseling. And make lots of du'a’ to Allah to ease your heart and to facilitate this marriage for you if indeed marrying this person is beneficial to your faith and your future. And Allah knows best.
Name
yazid
- Algeria
Profession
Question
I have a big difficulty to choose my future wife , the problem is that I work in petroleum field I am in long work mission alone in sahara (two weeks of vacation after 6 weeks of activity) and I haven’t enough time to know women in order to get married can you help me, give me a solution please.
Answer
Thank you for your question. This is a very important question because you must get to know your future spouse enough in order to ensure compatibility for marriage. Given your current work schedule, it is obviously not possible for you to initiate and wrap-up the marriage process in the two weeks you have for vacation. We urge you to involve your family and friends so that insha'allah, if there is a suitable candidate, you can begin the process and over each subsequent vacation period, you can get to know more about the candidate.
If you find that this process is not working, we urge you to adjust your priorities. What is more important than getting married? You should figure out some way to extend the vacation so that insha'allah you can have one long stretch of time, such as a month, to meet and get to know a prospective candidate for marriage.
We want you to think about this: the reason you are unable to get married is because you do not have enough time to get to know a candidate for marriage. How do you think you will find enough time to have a successful marriage once you do find the right candidate? Will it be fair to her that you are gone six weeks at a time? What about when you have children? How much more difficult will it be for you to have a relationship with your children if you are not there for six weeks at a time?
Perhaps the real question you should be asking yourself is, am I ready to change jobs so that insha'allah I can be successful in getting married and work hard at having a successful marriage insha'allah. Make lots of du'a' and seek Allah's assistance through the istikharah prayer. And Allah knows best.
Name
Mohammad
- Canada
Profession
Question
When is the best time for Muslim men to get married in west? I have some cousins who want to get married after high school because they say there is too much temptation. I want to marry someone but I think I will have trouble committing to one person for the rest of my life.
Answer
Two different but equally important questions you are raising. As for your cousins who want to marry after high school because there is too much temptation, we suggest that they understand more clearly what it means to get married and the responsibilities they will have to shoulder in order to get married. Would they be mature enough? They will be held accountable for providing for their spouses. Would they be able to do so?
As for thinking you cannot commit to more than one person for the rest of your life, we urge you to think again because the consequences of not being able to commit to one person are grave. We urge you to give this matter some more thought and to try to understand the root of your feeling of not being able to commit. Make lots of du'a' to Allah to protect you and to insha'allah grant you the ability to be a righteous husband to your future wife. And Allah knows best.
Name
Bint S.
- Singapore
Profession
-
Question
Dear Sir, I'm getting married in half a year's time. I can't seem to shake off my anxieties, worries as well as negative flashes of my future married life. Everyday, negative images of future married life creep into my mind, be it petty things or serious things, e.g. divorce. My mind is filled with negative "what ifs" of the future. And sometimes, I think I don't want to marry. I conclude that this is bad and therefore I need advice to overcome these fears of marriage. Like everyone else, I hope and pray for a "good and successful" marriage. I know it takes a lot of hard work. Please advice. Jazakallahu khayr.
Answer
You are experiencing natural feelings of anxiety about what is arguably one of the most important stages in your life. However, what is worrisome is that you are having such consistently negative feelings about your future married life. We urge you to seek out pre-marital counseling if possible so that you and your future husband can sit together in the company of an Imam or a trained marital counselor to discuss major issues concerning family life, children, career, etc. Sharing some of your anxieties and doubts with your future husband might help him feel at ease as well, especially if he is having similar feelings of anxiety.
Make lots of du'a' to Allah to ease your heart and to grant you the clarity of purpose and mind to proceed with this marriage if indeed marrying this man is beneficial to your faith. Remember to also occupy your spare time with beneficial activities such as reading more about the rights and responsibilities of husbands and wives according to Islam. You should also keep yourself engaged in the remembrance of Allah, in reading the Qur'an and hadith, and in charitable activities so that shaitan does not have a chance to fill your mind with doubt. Make lots of du'a' to Allah. And Allah knows best.
Name
Abdul Hafiz
- Egypt
Profession
Question
I want to get married as soon as possible. I have some money (not very much), my parents ask me to finish undergraduate first (which will be like 4 years to go), and I don’t have any girlfriend. What am I supposed to do?
Answer
Alhamdulillah that you want to get married as soon as possible. However, it is important you realize that you will have to be able to support a family and as you said yourself, you have some money, not very much. Although money itself is not the only criteria the girl's parents will use to assess you, it is important that you have completed your education or at least be close to completing it when you propose to someone for marriage. We urge you to go ahead and finish your studies because education will insha'allah be the key to your future financial stability.
We realize you have four years to go to finish your education but we urge you to look at it as four more years Allah has granted you to become a better Muslim, to learn more about Islam and especially about marriage, to prepare yourself for marriage financially and emotionally and most importantly, to give your parents time to help you find the most righteous woman possible insha'allah.
We know that you do not have a person in mind, at least that is what we understand when you say you do not have a girlfriend, but do not let that worry you. With on-going du'a' and your efforts insha'allah to please Allah, He will guide you to a young woman who will insha'allah be the best wife for you. Be patient and remain chaste. And Allah knows best.
Name
Muslima
- United States
Profession
college student
Question
As-Salamu’alykum, I was wondering how to expand ones network to meet people for marriage insh’allah...where I live there are barely any guys and if there are they aren’t into the deen or even ready for marriage; I am 21 but i feel i am ready to marry to increase my iman inshallah it is really on my mind but I don’t know what to do. i agree with my parents to wait till Allah sends someone but i always keep in mind Allah helps those who help themselves first so i want to actively do something. please advise me what to do... thanks salam May Allah reward your work inshallah
Answer
Of course, no matter who comes to ask for marriage will be sent from Allah, but that does not mean we should not exert effort of our own. You should understand that alhamdulillah, one way to expand the network is to have family and trusted friends to then discreetly get the word out to their individual networks that you are ready to get married. You will be amazed how far and wide the network can expand when you start to think that in the United States (which you list as your country of origin), there are masha'allah well over six million Muslims. There is a great likelihood that your parents, relatives and friends know people from other cities and states and even countries.
In the meantime, prepare yourself for marriage by reading more about it, as well as by developing a list of qualities and criteria which you will look for in your future husband. Be patient and insha'allah continue to make du'a’ to Allah. We wish you the best. And Allah knows best.
Name
zaahid
- South Africa
Profession
Question
As-Salamu'alaykum, I used to be really naughty-drugs, clubbing, sleeping around, etc. I had girls falling at my feet and I admit I used them and left them. Recently though, I have changed my lifestyle. I want to settle down with a good girl, but I have been told I am being a hypocrite. Parents in the community will not allow their daughters to marry me. Will I ever escape my past? And is it true a leopard never changes spots, and even if I've changed now, I will fool around later? How do I convince people I have made a fresh start?
Answer
Dear brother, all praise is due to Allah who has guided you back to the straight path. Do not listen to the people who say you are a hypocrite and that you can never change. Granted you will have a difficult time marrying if the parents/young women you talk to know about your past. However, your aim should be total and complete repentance to Allah, and of course, the process of repentance cannot begin until you have felt intense remorse and abandoned all of your sinful actions. Focus on improving yourself and on practicing Islam in your daily life and let Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala show people what He wants to show them about you. Be firm in your resolve to change, surround yourself with righteous young men so that you are driven to emulate their behavior insha'allah. In due time, by the will of Allah, your righteous conduct will speak volumes for itself. We urge you to also review the following teaching of our beloved Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him.
“A servant committed a sin and he said, “O Allah, forgive me my sins, and Allah (the Exalted and Glorious) said, My servant committed a sin and then he came to realize that he has a Lord Who forgives the sins and takes to account (the sinner) for the sin. He then again committed a sin and said: My Lord, forgive me my sin, and Allah, the Exalted and High, said: My servant committed a sin and then came to realize that he has a Lord Who would forgive his sin or would take (him) to account for the sin. He again committed a sin and said: My Lord, forgive me for my sin, and Allah (the Exalted and High) said: My servant has committed a sin and then came to realize that he has a Lord Who forgives the sins or takes (him) to account for sin. 0 servant, do what you like, I have granted you forgiveness.” (Muslim 37 # 6642)
Name
Rasha
-
Profession
Question
How can I, as a young Muslim girl, choose the right soul mate?
Answer
Alhamdulillah that you are giving some thought to getting married and to choosing the best husband in the world. As romantic as it sounds to be able to choose one's own soul mate, remember that although you will give the final approval for the person you wish to marry, finding the actual candidate is not left up to you alone. You will insha'allah have the help of your parents, your siblings and other trustworthy friends. In choosing your future spouse, you and your family and friends will give priority to the young man who has good character and has a strong relationship with Allah. Remember to make the istikharah prayer before coming to a decision about who you wish to marry insha'allah. And Allah knows best.
Name
Editor
-
Profession
Answer
Finally, we would like to thank brother Altaf Husain for taking the time to answer the questions of Islamonline viewers today, and we also thank all those who participated in this dialogue. We apologize for not being able to accommodate all the questions within the time allocated to this session. If you feel your question is very important, feel free to contact us at EngLivedialogue@islamonline.net and we will try our best to answer your question. We request our readers to join us in upcoming sessions.
