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Answer
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Name
Suzanne
- United Kingdom
Profession
Question
Please can you help me, I am having such a dilemma. I met and married my husband 19 years ago. We have three daughters aged 17, 15 and 17. I am a revert to Islam. My husband, although knows a lot about Islam, doesn't pray and I have always felt quite alone in my worship.
Two years ago, my husband who was 39, went to a nightclub in Morocco and met a 17 year old prostitute, slept with her that night and then because of his guilt, married her by Fitra (I don't really know what this means or what it consists of, all I know is that he sees it as marriage). I was here in the UK and all this was done behind my back. He came home and told me and I was devastated. Although very firey, our marriage was passionate and he had never been with any other woman since marrying me. I loved him with all my heart and to this day don't understand why he did this. He told me he still loves me and never wants to lose me or the kids. I just couldn't accept this. He told so many lies, sent money to her and gave me nothing, used to talk to her on the phone in front of me and tell her he loves her. I found it really hard to cope.
We later went to Morocco as a family and he pushed me to meet this girl and her family. they are very poor and the mother is also supposedly a prostitute (only Allah knows. Once, we got into an argument in front of the girl and the family because I felt they were trying to force me to accept the marriage when I honestly felt it was all wrong. He beat me up in-front of everybody including my children. My husband and the girl then got arrested a few days later when they came out of a nightclub, for being together but not legally married in Morocco.
Anyway, he claimed he finished with her as he couldn't stand to lose me and I decided to give him a chance. I always felt he was hiding something, and I really couldn't forgive him although I did try so hard. About 7 weeks ago, I found out he is still with her and that he had lied to me for 2 years, he had been sending her money, sleeping with her when he went to Morocco. he has spent the last 2 'Eids with her, and nothing with myself and the kids. I feel disgusted at the thought of him sleeping with her and then coming to me.
It hurts me so deeply, I just can't explain. I have been such a good wife to him. I always loved him even though he has a horrible temper and hit me sometimes. After I found out he was still with her, I asked him to leave -- he is so arrogant and when I start to get angry, he started to get aggressive and frighten me. Anyway he eventually left and went to Morocco. He then told me 2 weeks ago that the girl is 5 months pregnant. This is just too much for me to cope with. What did I do wrong to deserve this kind of hurt?
Finally the last straw is that she has been staying with my husband in the house we built together. We bought all the furniture together, and I feel they have completely violated something that was mine. He upsets me when he tells me he made a mistake and by marrying the girl he is pleasing Allah and that it is my duty to accept the situation.
I love Allah more than anything, and I feel Allah loves me. Allah always reveals everything bad that my husband has done and does to me. In Islam am I supposed to accept a horrible situation like this and be so miserable with a man who can't even support one wife let alone 2, and he thinks just because I have a job, that he doesn't need to support myself and the kids or am I within my rights to divorce him and move on?
I feel nothing but hate and anger towards him. I don't want to see him or talk to him. I don't have a problem with the kids seeing him, and for them to have a relationship with his new baby when it is born. I just don't want to be involved in his life anymore and not think about what he is doing or have to answer to him. I so much want a divorce.
His mum and Dad are devastated, and don't want to speak to him. They are very hurt by what he has done, and are very supportive to me. His mum is convinced the girl and her family have done black magic on my husband. My personal opinion is he is not the man he was, but if he is stupid enough to go into a night club and pick up a prostitute in a town where these kind of things happen all the time, then I have no sympathy for him.
I feel my husband is trying to emotionally blackmail me by trying to make out that it is me who is destroying the family by not wanting to stay with him. I can't take this dilemma anymore and i beg Allah to end it. I am trying to be patient though and I know Allah is with me. Please can you give me some advice, I need to move on emotionally and in my life.
Answer
Bismi-Illah ar-Rahman ir-Rahim...
You asked, "What did I do wrong to deserve this kind of hurt?" First of all you must understand that you did nothing to deserve this. As you rightly pointed out he was the one who made the choice to go into a nightclub and pick up a prostitute in a town "where these kind of things happen all the time". It was his choice to venture into this situation. He even admits he "made a mistake" and then says he is "pleasing Allah to marry this girl". However, when one makes a mistake in Islam we are instructed to ask for forgiveness, not to cover that mistake with more wrongdoing such as lies, deception, failure to support your first wife and family and emotional and physical neglect of one's family among other things.
In Sura Al-Nisa' it says:
"God will only accept the repentance of those who commit evil in ignorance, if they repent immediately. God is All-knowing and All-wise (4:17)."
Your husband has not repented, but has admitted he did something wrong and then has continued his behavior.
The results of his choices and his behavior are not your fault.
Additionally, you have a right to decide what is best for you and your children and ask for a more suitable situation. If that more suitable situation is a divorce, then sadly, that is what needs to happen.
The Qur'an says:
"Turn not away (from your wife) altogether, so as to leave her hanging. If you come to a friendly understanding and practice self-restraint, then Allah is Oft-Forgiving, Merciful" (4:129).
Your husband has many duties to you beyond this one, and it sounds like he has forsaken all of them.
Keep in mind that the woman is also making her own choices. She knows that this gentleman is married and yet she chose to sleep with him even before they were considered "legally married" in Morocco.
You should not feel guilty or that you are to blame whatever happens. If it happens that your husband cannot fulfill his duties as a Muslim husband (having a second wife) then you cannot feel it is your fault that you must ask for a divorce.
If your husband is able to repent and divorce the second wife and provide her and her child with a suitable support and discontinue seeing her, you should not feel guilty about her situation either. She chose her path and will most likely find it is not as easy as it first appeared.
Insha'allah this is helpful
.
Name
m
- Philippines
Profession
Question
y husband is still married to his first wife, but they have not been living together for long time. He is just keeping the marriage for the sake of the kids. He believes that he would be pleasing Allah more if he does not divorce her; because shes old already (46 yrs. old). He is willing to support her as that of a wife even if it means divorcing her. However, he is thinking of his children's feelings. Is his reason a valid one for keeping the marriage? Or should he divorce her since they are not living together, and love is not present anymore?
Answer
Bisimi-Illah Ar-Rahman Ar-Rahim...
In Islam there is nothing wrong with the current situation and his reason is completely valid, compassionate and responsible. However, on a personal level the answer to this question depends on the answers to a few additional questions:
1. Is the first wife happy with this situation or does she wish to be given her "freedom"?
2. Is your husband happy with this situation and feel it is the best thing for the family?
3. Is this first union causing great harm to your marriage with him?
There is nothing inherently wrong with someone remaining married without "love". In fact, the way we define love is usually very narrow. Many people define "love" as that wonderful feeling of passion and adoration that happens when you first meet someone and "fall in love" or that feeling you have for someone you want to be with often, a feeling that leads to a physical desire for them.
However, love can take many forms. Of the many couples I have known I don't think I have ever seen one pair have the same kind of love as the other. Some couples remain married into old age, but continue on more as friends than as lovers. Some/many even lead almost separate lives but there is a feeling of mutual respect and a comfort they enjoy by staying together. Other couples grow to feel more like they are siblings, than husband and wife, and feel very protective of each other, but no longer feel passion. Some couples feel love for the other one as a confidant and a best friend.
Some feelings that keep couples together cannot even be defined as love.
Some of the reasons why couples stay together may be out of mutual respect of their history together, and the deep connection they feel through that, out of compassion for another who needs their company, and many other reasons. If you survey the couples you know you will find that most of them are not together simply because of "love". There are other qualities that are noble in relationships beyond love, and there are other kinds of love.
There is not a problem with him remaining married to his first wife without "love", as you define it. However, it sounds like the situation may be upsetting to you in some way. You may want to explore in yourself if there are other reasons why this situation may be upsetting to you.
Name
muslima
-
Profession
Question
As salamu 'alaykum
I am sorry this is out of topic, but i really need advice. I am not on the verge of divorce but currently I have had divorce for almost 8 months.
The divorce was a shock to me because I was divorced behind my back without him telling me first. He also made us broke financially, and refused to responsible.
I was shocked, and I am still in grief, and unsure.I still can't believe it happen to me (having not a responsible husband). Our marriage was not good. I was experiencing emotional abuse in the marital relationship from the beginning. We were only married for 1 year and half. I understand my grief because I lost a dream and hope for the future. I never thought it would happen to me.
How to put on my mind to accept this. seem like i feel a shame to myself and anyone its like i am getting fooled.
Wassalamualaikum
Answer
Bisimi-illah Ar-Rahman Ar-Rahim...
Dear Sister,
The way you can "put your mind to accept this" is to let this experience remain in the past and to move forward. You say you feel ashamed for being "fooled, but you should not feel ashamed for being trusting and open with your heart. These are good qualities that will make you a wonderful wife in your next marriage.
This man has already done you enough harm, do not allow him to also steal your kindness, your ability to trust, and having a loving heart.
You cannot change the past, but you can change the way you see it and move forward.
You are describing a situation where you lost a dream and hope for the future, however, if he was abusive towards you, then by divorcing you he actually did you a favor and freed you up to pursue a more beautiful dream and future with someone who is responsible, loving and worthy of being your husband.
You can be thankful that you do not have children, so you are able to move beyond this relationship, and do not need to be tied to it after divorce by the shared responsibility of your children.
Trust that Allah will continue to help you in your life.
"True believers are those who, when Allah is mentioned, feel a tremor in their hearts, and as they listen to His revelations recited upon them, they find their faith strengthened, and put all their trust in their Lord." (Al-Anfal 8:2)
You have been saved from a life of abuse (to you and your children) and misery. You have been granted freedom from a horrible marriage. This is a gift, and not a curse, although it may seem like the latter at the moment.
Although it is financially and emotionally difficult at this time, know that you are not alone. Divorce is financially and emotionally difficult for all people. In fact, most counselors suggest that a person not even attempt to pursue a second relationship until a year or two after a divorce - this is how intense the transition period is recognized as being.
You will regain your spirit, your happiness and your financial security again. It may take some more time, but if you set your sites on a better future you will arrive there very soon.
Name
J
- India
Profession
Question
I am a 22 year old married woman with a 10 month old kid. i was studying when I got pregnant, and then I decided to take a year's break to finish my studies. I resumed my studies again, but I found out a month ago that I was pregnant again. If I don't finish my studies this year I will never be able to do it again. It is my father's wish that I finish my studies, and hold onto a good job; but my husband doesn't want me to work.
I am a good student, and I want to be financially independent. my husband holds a good post and earns well. My first son is only 10 months old, and already there is another on the way!.
I am 7 weeks pregnant now. I don't know what to do or what I am supposed to do. My husband and I fight daily, and this has lead to tension in our relationship. Please advise me as to what I am supposed to do. My mental health is also much affected by learning about this pregnancy. please advice.
Answer
Bisimi-Illah Ar-Rahman Ar-Rahim...
Dear Sister,
We can make choices and decisions about our lives, but we cannot control every aspect and every outcome of what happens to us. Part of Islam (i.e.submission) is to submit to what Allah has given to us in life and accept it with grace.
There is another way to say this in Islam. The phrase is, “al-qada’ wa al-qadar” (the decision and determination of Allah).
This basic principal of life will occur every day of your life and not just this one time. Perhaps you will make plans with your husband to spend a quiet evening alone, but your child will be sick and you will need to be with your child. You will need to be able to accept this situation with grace, love and faith (iman).
Or perhaps you will be driving to the store to pick up some groceries, but you will get a flat tire and instead of spending money on groceries you will need to spend money and time getting the tire fixed. You will need to be able to accept this situation with grace and faith as well.
In your current situation, you made one plan, but it is not following the "course" you imagined. Your "child is sick" or your "car has a flat tire". You can accept this situation with love, grace and iman.
To do this you need to look at what "is" instead of what you "want to be".
It is not clear from your letter what "is" so I cannot completely answer this question for you. However, I can give you some ideas.
Does the college you are attending offer childcare? Many colleges do. If the one you are attending does not offer childcare are you able to switch colleges or find childcare for you baby until you are finished. Is finding childcare and having your child cared for by another person part time acceptable to the way you and your husband want to raise your children? Have you thought about how you want to raise your children?
Some parents practice "attachment parenting" where they believe the child should be attached to the parents very deeply physically and emotionally
.
Other parents practice more of a detached parenting role and may even send their children off to boarding school at a young age
.
Other communities believe in the "raising children in the community" rather than with the parents alone
.
Of course there are hundreds of "kinds" of parents in-between these types. Which kind of parents do you want to be? Being able to answer this question will help you in many future decisions. Caring for your family is the first priority for your husband and for you, so this question is an important one to discuss with your husband.
My second question is - do you have other options for education? In today's world you should be able to do both. You say, "if I don't finish my studies this year I will never be able to do it again." However, you may have other options that you have not considered.
Most colleges will accept your credits from another college, even a few years after your original course of studies. So even if you moved or changed colleges later you would still have credits from the courses you have already taken.
Additionally, you have options to study online with many universities. Even if you cannot finish your degree online you may be able to take some of the required courses online and finish the rest at university.
Most colleges also allow students to finish their studies at their own pace. You are not required to finish your studies in four years. I know some people who have finished their four year degree in as many as 12 years, because they have taken time off for family, work, financial reasons or travel.
If this career prevents flexibility in study, have you considered changing careers?
You can find a solution to this problem if you can see beyond it being a "problem" and see it, instead as being "what is". Your task, then is not to solve the problem or fight about it, but to do what needs to be done, after taking all angles and possibilities into consideration.
Also remember that situations are usually not just "black and white". There are many angles and different possibilities in each situation if you keep your mind and imagination open to them. Pray to Allah to give you the ability to see beyond what you see now. Allah can open your heart and mind to many things if you put your faith in Him.
I agree that it is important for a woman to be able to finish her studies and hold a job if she needs to, however, the path to doing this may not be the one you imagined.
Name
m
- Philippines
Profession
analyst
Question
Part 2
Dear Scholar, I really appreciate your response to my previous query.
His first wife once asked for her freedom, but he knew that no one will take care of her. At the same time., he said he wants his kids to stay with their mom.
I'm confused because, why should they remain married if they don't live with each other anymore. I do believe that he will be more fair if divorces her and finances her instead of maintaining the marriage and not seeing her at all(only when he visit the kids)
He is a responsible man, and even I was converted to Islam, it's so difficult on my side to accept this set up. I'm confused also because I'm always pushing him to divorce her and I'm afraid that Allah will punish me for this selfishness.
Answer
Bisimi-Illah Ar-Rahman Ar-Rahim...
Thank you for answering the question in my previous answer. You mention in this e-mail that "it is difficult on my side to accept this set up". This gives the situation more depth than the original question. If the question is simply "why is he remaining with her" then, it is easily answered - because he feels it is best and it works well for both of them.
However, in this e-mail a third factor comes in - you are not happy with this situation. This makes the situation more complex, but in both of your e-mails you focus on the decision that he has made to stay with her, rather than your own feelings about the matter.
Is it possible that you are communicating in the same way when you speak to your husband about the situation? If so, then you will find it difficult to find a solution to this problem.
If you continue to present the problem as "why is a man choosing to stay with someone he does not love?" then he will continue to find answers for you and others will continue to find answers for you as well.
However, if you are not happy with the situation yourself for some reason (you feel upset, jealous, torn, confused, like you cannot focus on a relationship that is split, or some other reason) then you need to communicate this to him.
You are already aware that you are in a delicate situation by the sounds of your e-mail above. You state, "I'm always pushing him to divorce her and I'm afraid Allah will punish me for this selfishness." It sounds like you were aware that he had a first wife when you married him and that you accepted that situation, but now you are feeling differently.
That is OK and nothing to be ashamed of. As humans we may often get ourselves into situations without realizing the full scope of the situation. It is not possible for us to know the future or know how something "is" or feels until we are actually doing it. Then, we may realize, too late, that the task or situation was much more difficult than we thought.
Don't be afraid to admit this to him. Be honest with him and say "I thought I could handle being a second wife but it has been really hard on me because of (fill in the blank). I was wrong to think I could handle this. Could we change the situation? Could you please divorce her?"
If you are honest with him in a loving and kind way and you show him how you really love him and feel about him, he will be able to make a decision about what to do, not just based on her (as he is now, although it sounds like she would not mind being divorced either), but on your feelings as well.
I sense that you are aware that he could just say "no" and knowing that is within his rights you feel scared to even ask the question. It is "safer" for you emotionally to approach the issue from a philosophical point of questioning.
However, you will not find a solution by pushing him. The more you push a person the more they push away from you. It seems, in such circumstances that people also follow "Newton's Laws of Motion" - "Each action has an equal and opposite reaction."
You will only be able to find a solution by being completely honest with yourself and with him and then allowing him time to consider the situation (without pushing or mentioning the subject for some time). The outcome may not be what you desire, but at least you will know the true answer to your true question and you will be able to make any future decision based on the reality of your situation, rather than an imagined state of being.
Name
Editor
-
Profession
Question
We apologize for not being able answer all your questions due to time constraints...
However, we would like to thank Dr. Karima Burns (www.TheHerbnMuslim.com) for taking the time to answer the questions of IOL visitors today, and we also thank all those who participated in this dialogue. We apologize for not being able to accommodate all the questions within the time allocated to this session. Look out for upcoming session… Understanding the Man in Your Life
