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Name
Amina
-
Profession
Question
Dear Dr. Bachmeier, salam alaikoem.
My question concerns my work. I have quite demanding job, with much responsibility and in which I have to communicate with many people. In this sometimes I have to perform as an authority on my subject. The problem I have is that being a woman, an immigrant/daughter and wearing a headscarf I find it difficult to feel confident and like I indeed have authority, especially when dealing with men. It's really a problem since I find myself having to overcome my insecurity and face the 'looks' every time I meet people instead of just focusing on the subject at hand. I have to manage all these negative feelings, which makes me feel like I have to do two jobs (the one I am there for and managing my feelings an showing I' m not a backward Muslim-woman).
Another, related point is that I really have a difficult time allowing myself to make mistakes and getting negative feedback. Once again my job is complicated, and often things go wrong. This can really effect my emotions negatively and in fact prevent me from develop the projects I'm involved in and myself better.
I really need help, because it causes much stress in my life!
Barak allahou fieki
Answer
Salaam Amina,
Yes this is the challenge that women do have indeed. If you want to be successful at work, observe those who are successful, and watch how they respond, and how they talk. Look at their mannerisms. You will learn what looks professional. It wont matter if you are wearing a head scarf.. Eventually, if your discussion is professional and your are direct and stay on topic, you will win the confidence of you colleagues...and this will give you confidence.
We can't be "women" at work. The work world is made up of masculine energy. And yes, you do have two jobs...one is learning how to manage feeling and emotions that are feminine, and regulating that so that you can be more focused and professional. Learning business etiquette, and assertiveness will go along way. In addition, there is usually a "culture" in every work place. Learn what the "culture" is, and how your colleagues communication style... and then learn how to use that style yourself with them. It takes time, in in time, you will feel more comfortable with your professional role.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
Wife
-
Profession
Question
Aslamalaikum Dr.,
I am having problems with my husband & I don't know what is the best way to deal with it. In short, we have been married fr over 6 years now & have a daughter. He has had many affairs, but one in particular is very serious, he wants to marry her. He tells me, he doesn't want to divorce me, but wants to leave me & live with her. He has his own place, that he pays for, but doesn't live there. He comes home to me everyday & only goes there when she visits. He doesn't pay me anything towards our living expenses or food. I have told him he needs to either live here or there. He always says he will leave, but its not easy as he still loves me & thinks about his daughter. This double life is tearing him apart & he gets angry & aggressive.
I have told him to move out, but he doesn't. I have told him to leave her, but he doesn't. I have spoken to his parents, who have had words with him, but he doesn't take any steps.
What shall I do now?
Answer
Wa Alaykum Assalam Sister,
From where I am sitting, it is easier for me to say this. But what I am seeing is a man who simply does not want to grow up. He doesn't want responsibility. He likes to play with no consequences. That a Muslim man has a right to have more than one wife, comes with serious responsibility. It is probable that his anger an aggressiveness is coming from his resistance to responsibility. Sister, if he is not even paying the bills, why do you want to be married to him? Are you his mother? He is treating you like you are a "bad mommy" and not giving him everything he wants. But that is not your duty as his wife. I would take a stand on this and let him know that if he wants to be a husband and a father, then he needs to behave like one.
For now, I would even talk about the woman that he wants to take as a second wife. He will have the same responsibility to her as he does to you. Chances are, she is not going to be happy with him, but that is not our concern. I would just let him do whatever he intends to do, and get on with the reality of your situation. You are living with a daughter and you need to develop a meaningful life for yourself. Whether or not he divorces you, he isn't really making you a part of his life. So, focus on developing your own interests and your own talents, and doing a good job with your daughter. Just let him go. Maybe he will see the light, but Allah guides Whom he will.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
a
-
Profession
teacher
Question
Salam Dr.,
I'm in my mid twenties. I have been inclined towards religion since puberty. There have been times when I have gone astray but later I have repented sincerely and tried not to go back towards wrong.
I have never been a career oriented person and have always wanted a peaceful domestic life. I always expected to get married in a young age. That’s why I never really planned about what field I should be going into. I completed my masters 1.5 years ago in a commerce subject. My degree is equivalent to MBA. Sitting at home idle caused me depression that’s why I decided to work. Instead of working in a corporation, I opted to work in a school. Because the environment of schools and the timings are suitable for someone with my nature. However, in 1.5 years only, I have changed three work places. I just dun find any place just. They actually exploit people, lie and give hopes and then go back on their words. I, personally think that I am never gonna give in to anything that is unjust that’s why I always end up resigning from the job.
The suitors that come in have never attracted me as such. We have had a disturbed family life and that has imbued the fear in my mind that whoever my parents would bring is not going to be worth spending the whole life with. As a matter of fact, none of my suitors have been truly religious. Some do their prayers but feed themselves on haraam, some earn halal but live in houses constructed from haraam and are not even namazi. There has never been anyone (a suitor, who I thought is a real God fearing man). I belong to a syed family. So for my family, the thing that matters most is the guy being a syed. Piety is ignorable.
And to be honest piety is not found around that easily. people tell me all the time that i wont get anyone who is perfect and its me whose parameters and thinking is wrong. a man who doesn't say his prayers might turn out to be a good husband and a man who does, can be bad husband. this is what i m told by my family and friends.
I met someone online 2 years back on a religious site. I loved the way he dealt and talked about religion. He wasn’t a regular namaz doer, had a lot of female friends online (just friends) and he did watch tv etc a lot but he knew so much about religion that he could actually quote ayahs for backing most of the things he said. In fact, he taught me so much that I actually started to understand the spirit of worship. We belonged to same country, same city; we had same casts and same sir names. But we had different mother tongues. Our level of compatibility was outstanding. Even the food and the flavors we liked were similar. We did not have any girl friend/boy friend relationship as such. we never met or talked on phone. But the fact that I m talking to a na mehram online and frankly (though we never discussed anything obscene) kept rankling me. And I decided to tell him about my feelings for him, because I didn’t want to enjoy the attention of someone who would not be my husband n neither did I want to give my attention to someone who would not be my husband. He said he doesn't have any intentions for me. He said he never had any intentions. Though his attitude always suggested otherwise. I told him that I dint want to keep any connections with him and I cut off. He did contact a lot and told me that he doesn’t want to lose me as a friend, but I dint return. Later on he told a friend that his heart dint want me. I don't have any thing (habit/ characteristics) that a religious man would not want his wife to have. In fact, I'll make a very honest and sincere wife. I have good looks too. So the fact that he did not even find me worth being considered has hurt me so bad that I have lost interest in everything. My self esteem has gone very low. I feel like sleeping all the time so that I can escape these thoughts. My efficiency has plunged to a disastrous level.
I do understand everything happens for good and i am saying dua istikhara regularly too. but the pain of being rejected is affecting my thoughts, my health, everything. i keep questioning myself as to what was so wrong with me. if he was religious and wanted a pious woman, then i wud have made a pretty gud wife for him.
With time and bad experiences, I have kind of concluded that this world is a bad place (during my prayers, I have told this to allah also). I feel as if I disagree to everything around. Workplaces exploit you, people exploit you. I feel like running away to an island, where there aint anyone around.
The place I m working at right now has started to annoy me too. And I m thinking seriously to quit from here too. (they are doing somethings that are really unreasonable; and I'm not saying it out of emotions, everyone thinks the management is being unfair but they are losers enough to stand it and not stand against it). i am thinking to quit this place and work in an organization now. i m not the type who wud b happy wid men all around. but i hav srted to feel that waiting to get married is not a good option anymore and i shud b seriously considering some career now. because quitting work completely, means, sitting at home, free, with all kind of depressing thoughts. (we don’t have a pleasant environment at home too; there are problems)
Please advise. What should I do. I am a regular namaazi. And I try my best to implement religion in every way and not to hurt anyone around.
I am standing on a level of depression where you want your life to end. (I am not thinking of committing suicide, but the thought of death approaching me doesn't worry me, instead it relaxes me. I stay ill now. every now and then. and everyone thinks that I will have to take medicines for depression soon.
I don't want to become a patient. help me.
Answer
Salaam Sister,
I will e-mail you with my response. If you would like, you may also e-mail me at Dr.MaryamIOL@live.com.
Name
saadia
- Pakistan
Profession
doctor
Question
salam Dr,
How important is it to like one own self and admire oneself with no element of pride at the same time being satisfied with one self spiritually. Is the best friend term is a right term? thanks and looking for your opinion...
Answer
Salaam,
I have a very strong opinion about this, and the mainstream does not agree with me. I see the Muslim community following the steps of the self help movement where everyone is learning to love themselves instead of Allah. I can say that we already tried this in many parts of the world, and it was an utter failure. Anyway, I believe that instead of self esteem, we should be striving to know and be closer to Allah... Since Allah is the source of ALL LOVE, you will get in touch with your true value and worth, by striving to be close to Allah. If you admire yourself, and then you make a mistake, you will become depressed. Yes, it is important to like yourself, and even to love yourself, but if you understand how much Allah loves you, you will. This self acceptance and self love is not self generated, and that is the key difference between me and the modern thinkers. Your goodness comes from Allah... you don't make yourself good. Allah guides Whom He Will. So, submit your will to Allah, and allow your will to be aligned with His...then you will have a spiritual life, and you will feel good about yourself as well.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
anny
- United States
Profession
home
Question
asalamu alaikum,
I would like you to help me on how to deal with my family,let me quickly give you my background.I was raised in a very strict conservative Muslim household, my parents were straight from the village of Yemen, and being raised like that in America was very difficult for me they put the hijab on me at kindergarten then they took me out of school after the six grade and there was so many things I couldn't do becuase I was a girl. I used to think that Allah didn't love girls because my brothers were allowed to do many things. So now as an adult I know better I understand my parents didn't know better back then. But now I'm dealing with everybody else in my family who are even more strict, brothers sisters and uncles. I feel like I'm different from them because I don't want to live that kind of restrictive lifestyle. What bothers me the most is seeing my little cousins and nieces not having the opportunity of going to school most are not even allowed to get out of the house all in the name of Islam. So how do I deal with them?I feel so uncomfortable around them. I feel like a bad Muslima,like a big sinner around them. They don't even know how I feel. I'm too scared to tell them that I want to drive a car, go to school, get a job,listen to music,all of these they think its haram and they would put me down about it.please help me get confidence that I need to deal with them and what can I do about the little girls in my family? There's not one girl in my family who has went passes the six grade. THANK YOU
Answer
Wa Alaykum Assalam Sister Anna,
Did you say that you live in the USA? In the USA, the legal system would insist that you finish high school. Unless your parents home school you. I am just curious.
I will need to learn more about your family dynamics before offering too many suggestions about approach. However, I can say, that if you have a goal, and you work slowly and gently, you can gradually persuade your family to support you. There is a process called "shaping" that can be used... and a gentle form of communication. But you will need to be very patient yourself, and not to expect changes over night.
Additionally, as we proceed with the goal of getting the support of your family for some goals that are out of the "norm" for them to accept, make sure that you are studying the Quaran and listening to the esteemed scholars yourself, so that you yourself are rightly guided. There is a danger in letting yourself loose in this western culture, and to be honest, I do understand where your family is "coming from". the problem is, the world wont stand still for those of us who wish we could remain protected, and just to survive, you will need to drive a car, and possible work outside the home. We can talk about education too (there are many alternative learning programs, and you can now get a very good education online).
So, let's take this one step at a time, one goal at a time, one day at a time.
The first step is to open up the dialogue with your mother. Tell her your concerns and desires. Then, listen to her and her rational. Don't argue, just take it in, and process it. Don't tell her that you are going to do things your way, just let her know what is in your heart and let her help you work some of this out. Some of it is external, and some of it is internal.
This is just the first step...please keep writing in and let me know the results of this, and tell me more about your family dynamics, and the reasoning behind some of the "rules" we can examine this together.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
Shahnawaz Ahmad
- India
Profession
Employee
Question
Salam Dr.,
What steps in your opinion should Islamic organizations take to compete with education stand of Europe?
Answer
Salaam Shahnawaz Ahmad,
This is a "Loaded" question! There is sooo much I could say on this subject. Suffice it to say, our Ummah is in serious need of organization itself that until we heal ourselves, I am not sure that we can influence the outer environmental barriers to our practicing Islam in a healthy manner.
We are sooo divided among ourselves. The organizations are not really working together to come up with a consensus, and policies to stand together on. You will often see me writing about these issues, and about my views of how to bring healing. It starts with community building, and with connecting the organizations and the individual communities together. Yet, this cannot even happen until we have healthy families and strong communities!
For now, let's think long term... we may be loosing the battles for now... but if we wake up... we can work together and win the war... it starts with being the best practicing Muslim and Muslima that we can be... then behaving in such a manner as to strengthen our family, and making that a priority....and as a family, we can contribute to the community , participate in community and then our community will be strong...our communities will support the organizations that actually serve community and Ummah and Islam... and our own community members will become members of these organizations.... the leaders of these organizations will connect with other leaders, and we will be able to develop a real world voice .... this starts with you and me...right here, right now...
If those in the leadership roles right here, right now, want to listen to my wee little voice, then I say to them, organize an inter-organizational/intercultural/collaborative body of organizational leaders and include the esteemed scholars and Sheiks...agree on the Fatwas, and then use the Quaran, Sunna, and Fatwas to guide you into policies that you can present to the world...in addition, develop strategies and approaches that you will use to teach the world about the peaceful practices of Islam, and a campaign to cure the Islamophobias and fear...this will open the door to other people, who have different views, to accept us and our practices and not make laws against us out of fear.
One day at a time. It begins with you and with me.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
Ali
- United Kingdom
Profession
Question
Salam Dr.,
I am in my twenties and last year I have suffered a severe headache which caused some sleepless weeks which in the beginning I couldn't understand why I can't sleep. and prior to this problem almost 3 years I had worried and felt anxiety about what I have done as a teenager .i.e. had a girlfriend for almost 4 years although it was only restricted to physical touch and not sexual(because we both knew that it was not right to have intercourse before marriage)and the whole thing was wrong but temptation got the better of me at the time. I stopped sometimes but she would feel very down and wanted us to continue. during this friendship I have developed another habit which was masturbation which I would satisfy myself with as I didn't wanted to get physical with her and this has gone on for some years. during the last six years, I have been away from my country and alhamduliAllah I haven't had the problem of being in unlawful relationship although I have met some girls and some of them used to see me as a big man who they can get along with and some even tried to lure me to take them to cinema but I used to be on the guard not to fall for these temporary activities of shaytan.
I am a hardworking man and finished my degree and have got a job now but what I have done in the past have worried me a bit.
your help will be appreciated inshaAllah and jazakaAllahu kheiran for the good work.
Answer
Salaam Brother Ali,
You have obviously repented. You have done well for yourself. Please don't judge yourself now, you have no right to judge yourself. Read the Quaran... You will notice that Allah loves those who repent. You are obviously a slave to Allah. Let go of the past. Find a nice girl, marry, and enjoy this life that Allah has given you. You deserve this...
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
A.
-
Profession
Question
I am an educated women in my thirties. I'm not married, but I would like to. My life is OK, but I feel I am missing something. I could use a supporting husband by my side...
My problem is that I don't know how to meet men and there are not as many educated men as women. How can I find a right match?
Answer
Salaam,
You are correct about the current state of affairs and the ratio of educated men to educated women. However, if you are willing to relocate, and/or marrying outside your culture...you will increase your chances of meeting someone.
The first step that I would take is to investigate the Islamic organizations around your area, and the Masjids... and let the Imams and the sisters know that you are available for marriage. There might be an Islamic organization close enough for you to participate in a matrimonial service. I am cautious about the online services, although, if you are very, very careful, you can learn how to screen the men and only speak with "safe" ones. But I would try the more local organization first. Many sisters have nephews and uncles, who may even live in a different country, but who are seeking a wife. You might marry a man who is very intelligent and successful, but who does not have the same degree as you. The main ingredient to a successful marriage, is following the sunna...this is much more important than the level of education.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
Amina
-
Profession
Question
Another question: is it possible to have one on one sessions with you? I think the advice of a psychologist who is Muslim is very valuable!
Answer
Salaam,
I have a limited number of openings. We can talk about this possibility and see if I am able to meet your needs. I am currently connecting with other Muslim psychologists as well to see if they can be available for referrals for clinical services.
You can contact me at Dr.Bachmeier@yahoo.com
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
Sadeqa
- United Kingdom
Profession
BSC Graduate teaching
Question
salam Dr.,
Last time I contacted you about my current situation you said if I feel my parents would disown me if I marry whom I want then I should really think about the whole issue again. My question is say I felt I'm disrespecting my family culture and decided to leave and marry someone my parents didn't choose I know I wont be happy but the way I believe is should I comprise or should I leave and pray things go well but also expect the worse as every1 will be so shocked if I left my culture gone with different culture men who is much older than me.
am I selfish? to keep thinning about my future?
Answer
Salaam Sadeqa,
Ultimately, you will have to make your own decision... but with the help of Allah. And continue to pray istikhara.
Still, I will offer my first thoughts for your consideration. There is a risk that you will later resent having left your own culture. I say this because you do feel strongly, and your worries are strong. So, if you decide to go with this man, make sure that you are really OK with marrying into another culture yourself. It is difficult to learn another culture, and yo will have to be dedicated to this learning if you want to make your new husband happy. Still, you also need to make sure that your new husband will honor your need to honor your parents in the manner that they would expect according to their culture.
There is a possibility that your father can recover from the shock if he sees that your husband is willing to honor him in the manner that he expects according to yours and your father's culture.
The only times that I see irreconcilable differences is when the parents are truly and adamantly prejudice, and believe that the other person's culture is absolutely wrong... not just different.... so, doing something different...there is hope... but if you father is seriously prejudice, that might be more difficult to reconcile.
Let's keep talking about this.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
sister
-
Profession
Question
Dear Doctor,
I am 25 year old girl, working and I am a very depressed person. Don't know how it all started and from where. All of a sudden I get upset, feel like escaping from every corner of earth and every person around. At that time, I even wish to get unconscious for a very long time so as to escape my troubled mind. I was physically abused by my father when I was merely 12 or 13 and it went a very long time. Never did I discuss about it with any one except for the man who proposed me. On the other hand, I would always feel that my mother never gave me the same kind of love and attention that she gave to her other children. Very close friends cheated on me and abused me for some thing or the other behind my back. I was even left alone by one man who I loved the most. I thought finally I have some who can truly give me the love I want... but it was nothing in reality. I met someone else and forgot about my past only to find out later that he would also ditch me. I still decided to move on and fight. Now, some one else approached me for marriage which I accepted but the kind of love I want is not there from him also. I get very upset due to it.I don't feel true love or maybe don't know how to. I am 25 years old, want to get married and have children. but he doesn't want to get married now and I don't want to irritate him asking when will he marry me as I want it to come from him. he is yet to talk to his and my parents.
When I was 16, i felt very devoted to God. unfortunately, I found it too difficult to become a practicing Muslimah and went astray. Now, the love of God I used to have is not there... I cry for that too... something internal stops me with wrong ideas and thoughts every time I go near Allah. I feel maybe He is punishing me because of going away from Him at a time when He called me near. I feel as if my whole life has been on the run for love. why did it happen with me? why is it happening with me?
I enjoy my depressed state 99% of the time, yet I want to get rid of it and live a normal life. but I also know that i am too lazy to overcome any problem I have and don't think I would be able to or may not want to even after I have the perfect solution for me. Why am I like that?? i feel that there are two people inside me and I am on constant struggle with myself!! I don't want to die like this! is there a way that I can take psychological help from you??
Answer
Salaam sister,
For now, don't try to change your depressed state. And, don't judge yourself for not being aware of your love for Allah. What I want you to focus on right now, is the love that Allah has for you. That is the only thing that you shoudl focus on. Allah is the source of ALL LOVE. Allah created you. Allah loves YOU. Allah will never leave you.
For now, e-mail me at Dr.MaryamIOL@live.com. I will respond as a consultant. I have a very limited number of openings in my online private practice. You can e-mail me at Dr.Bachmeier@yahool.com and we can discuss the possibility of private online clinical services. I am also trying to connect with other Muslim Psychologists who can provide online clinical services as I clearly see this need.
For now... do not forget how very, very valuable you are. Allah loves you. That is REAL.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
Sara
- Canada
Profession
financial advisor
Question
Salaams Dr. B.,
In regards to your answer to my last question, two weeks ago...you said I haven't taken steps to position myself for finding a spouse. I'm not sure I understand what you mean. You have previously mentioned that perhaps relocating to a geographic area where there are more single Muslim men may increase my odds of finding someone. I don't know where that could be and what types of research I could access to determine where in Canada there are more single Muslim men (non-immigrant men, that is - in my geographical area there are many refugees and many men who are not proficient in English -- in other words, they are struggling to establish themselves in Canada). I live in a major urban center, so I'm not certain if there are other cities that would be more advantageous for me.
Also, given that I am required to be financially independent as I do not have anyone to support me, I don't think quitting my job would be an option. This would be a particularly irresponsible decision given the current economic climate...I would have to struggle to find a job in a new location, pay rent on a new place, try to establish a social circle -- and be away from my family (my elderly parents, who need me).
However, it is possible that you were talking about something less drastic than quitting my job and moving to a new city. Do you mean that I have to open my mind to the possibility that Allah (SWT) may have a man waiting for me in the wings, and that will in turn improve my state of mind? Or, were you suggesting that I should be open to a man whom I wouldn't normally be open to, such as the men I described above -- the new immigrant, who may not be educated or fluent in English? In respect of the latter, I'm not sure if I would be compatible with such a man. My parents came from a very poor background in their home country...my mom does not have an education...I view my education and high salary as huge blessings from Allah...He could have written my destiny so that I was born to parents who remained in that old country, living in a village somewhere...But instead He gave me so much more. I have to believe, Dr. B., that Allah (SWT) intended for me to use my education and wealth in an advantageous way and that He did not intend that it would be to my detriment.
I feel like I am having a conversation with you. I'd like to hear your perspectives on what I have said. During Ramadan, I prayed every day and night to Allah that he would bring me what me a righteous spouse and child; I thought, if I pray every day, wake up in the middle of the night and pray, then IT WILL HAPPEN! I recently went on a date with a man I met online, but the minute we met, I knew we didn't connect. I was nervous and awkward, and I could see from his face that he was not interested. Before we met I thought, this may be the one that God intended for me, since it happened so soon after Ramadan ended...but it was not to be. He drank, but I thought if he was open-minded I could bring his heart and mind toward Islam.
Answer
Salaam,
If marriage is your priority, then you might consider being open to all the possibilities. If an Islamic marriage is your priority, then you might consider allowing the husband to support you, even if it is not in the manner to which you have become accustomed. This would open the doors to lovely locations such as the UAE, and Britain, and Australia. You might consider adopting the culture of your husband.
It is difficult for me to understand what you are seeking. I really cannot guide you into a modern secular situation. That is easy, but you would not be seeking that in the Islamic community. In Islam, the woman has rights and duties..and the husband has rights and duties. If you chose to go that route, you would probably has to sacrifice some aspects of your current lifestyle in order to fulfill your duties as a wife. Of course, if your husband provided for you, then you would not be required to be financially independent. I have found that many Muslim men understand the current circumstances of the Muslima, and they are wiling to allow their wives to work part time so long as it does not interfere with their ability to fulfill their duties as a wife. In Islam, marriage does meet certain criteria. Perhaps you are not seeking an Islamic marriage, and you would like a more secular one. If this is the case, there are many, many men available for that who would love the fact that you are autonomous and independent. We women have many, many choices now days. Understand that the consultations that I give, will be within the limits of sunna and what I understand of Islam, so it may not match your ideas.
And yes, Allah may have a Muslim man who waiting there for you, and who is happy that you want to work full time. Perhaps if you had a child, you would hire a nurse to take care of the baby and rear him or her. That would be between you and your husband, of course. Allah knows all of us, and what is in our hearts, and what our individual needs are, and when we put our lives in His hands and submit to His will, we increase the probability of finding peace, and joy in our lives.
YOu are correct in saying that it may be a blessing from Allah that you have a high education and that you make a lot of money. Ask Allah how he wants you to use your education and your money. Our happiness comes from being a slave of Allah. There are many very wealthy men, who make even more than you do...who will appreciate your use of your talents. The shift of focus is in dedicating whatever you do, whether it be your professional work, or you duties as a wife...to ALLAH.
I cannot make any suggestions to you about what type of man you shoudl marry. I am not Allah. I am suggesting that you focus on serving ALLAH in whatever you do.
AS far as the date that you went on. in Islam, women do not date We do not interact with me. If a man is serious about marriage, then we meet to determine if we are compatible. We pray istikhara. Then if we are both in agreement, we marry. Islam is sooo simple. Of course, there is a process to determining if we are compatible... as there are many things to consider, such as where we will live, how we will fulfill our duties as husband and wife, and how we will arrange the finances. Sharia does guide us in this to an extent. Also, in Islam, the best reason one can have to marry, is to complete our deen. IF you find a man who is sincere in wanting marriage for this purpose, you will likely be compatible as well because when two people seek marriage for that purpose, they are usually willing to work out the details so that each party in the marriage is satisfied.
I truly enjoy our conversation, and I hope you continue to write in.
One day at a time sister. We are in this together.
Salaam
Maryam
Name
Nahla
- United Arab Emirates
Profession
System Analyst
Question
Salam Dr.,
Is it normal to get Nervous at occasions like presentations, driving test etc? I have been working as an IT professional for 10 years now. Though I have worked very hard sometimes, I haven't climbed up the career as many men of my age. Some times I get very nervous when presenting my work to an audience. Is this normal or do I require some kind of therapy? Recently for my driving test, I was very tensed. Someone advised me to take some medicine before the test so that I will not feel the same again. I need your advice Please.
Answer
Salaam,
Yes, this is VERY NORMAL. I still get nervous, and I have addressed many audiences over the process of 15 years. It is called performance anxiety. I still get a rapid heart beat, and fear that my work will just fall out of my mouth in a very disorganized way when I go for job interview (which I still do in hope of getting a better position myself).
The best thing to do here, is to find a trusted friend, and practice, practice practice. You can hire a therapist to do this with you... but if you have a good friend, you can do this yourself and save yourself the expense of a therapist. You don't have a mental illness or emotional disturbance, it sounds like normal performance anxiety.
For interviews, think of all the possible questions that the interviewer can ask you. Write them down, and practice going to an interview and answering the questions with your friend. Do research on the position so that you will have an idea of what will be asked. Practice, practice practice.
For speaking in front of an audience, gather together a few friends, and practice telling them a poem, or reciting the Quaran, or even singing a song in front of them... really...yes, I mean it. In my community, we even have speaker clubs so that we have an audience to practice in front of. You could start one yourself.
For driving tests, drive often with a friend. Try to figure out what route the test would have to go on, and practice practice practice...
If after you have used the help of a friend, and your anxiety is just too powerful and keeps you unable to perform, then you might consider seeing the help of a therapist. This kind of therapy should be face to face, as the therapist would need to prove you with an "in vivo" experience in order to provide you with what is called "desensitization"...
Let me know what you think, what you have tried, and how things go after reading this response.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
AS
-
Profession
Question
Asalamalaikoem Dr.,
How should I deal with stress concerning getting older and still not being married? Someone said to me the other day that a Muslim should get married, else there life has not succeeded and that a woman doesn't have the right to reject a man that's a goods Muslim. I think it's not wise to marry someone your heart doesn't accept as well, and that if you don't find the right match there must be other ways to live a good and constructive life. What do you think!
Thanks a lot!
Answer
Salaam AS,
You sound very wise. I have asked this very question, as I have had similar things said to me. But I decided to read the Fatwas for myself and ask Allah to guide me in these matters. Yes, I do believe that Allah has a different life path for all of his creations, and that the secret to happiness lies in submission to the will of ALLAH, and not necessarily the opinions of others. I do not believe that is it wise to marry a man that you do not feel you can serve from your heart. First and foremost, we are serving Allah whether we do this through our work, or though our marriage. If you cannot serve your husband from our heart, then you are not serving ALLAH from your heart. It only makes sense to me to remain single until ALLAH gives you a husband that you feel you can serve from your heart. Men are the suitors who ask for our hand, but women choose which man she will accept. We are to pray istikhara and ask for guidance from ALLAH, and accept the marriage proposal of the man whom we feel we can honestly serve. This is not a fatwa, but what I honestly believe. I find the most joy and peace in living authentically.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
Ameena
-
Profession
Question
Assalamu Alaikum,
What does Islam say about a guy who forces you into marriage...The force comes from the boy and not parents...The force is so strong that if I refuse to accept his proposal he will commit suicide...I am not attracted to him... He is playing with my head and saying Allah has created him. It is not his fault if he is not attractive enough for me... I am now confused... Please shed some light on this... Thanks
Answer
Salaam Ameena,
I am not a scholar and I cannot give you a fatwa on this. But as a clinical psychologist, I can say that this boy needs help, not marriage. This boy is emotionally disturbed. In my opinion, it would be wrong to marry him, as this would not help him to recover from his condition.
People who present with this kind of personality can also be dangerous, so be careful, and protect yourself. Let the boy know that you like him as a person, Allah loves him, and Allah will give him the right wife, in the right time, but that it is not you. You can encourage him to get therapy, as he does need help. After that, you have done your duty , and a good deed, leave the rest to Allah.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
sadeqa
-
Profession
bsc graduate teaching
Question
salam
I understand what you have mentioned regarding different culture and differences. I have spoken to my future husband regarding this and he as said he will always respect my parents, but he feels that because he hasn't got a degree a well paid job that maybe my parents wouldn't like him because I'm above him I have a degree. He always tell me he would feel uncomfortable if he around my place and parents don't respect him how can he go there but he will never stop me from visiting. This is something we both have to sort out and see when situation is like afterward.
Regarding learning culture, I have looked at mines and his to see difference and it's only things like language and food we're still Muslim and cooking isn't an issue, I'd need to learn his language regarding all this, what's your advice?
Answer
Salaam Sadeqa,
It sounds like you are working through the details. You can help your husband feel more confident by pointing out his strengths, and also making his strengths visible to your parents. Don't push him to visit your parents... and in time, once you are able to show your parents his strength (perhaps his piety), then they would be more likely to accept him.
You can learn his language, and he can learn yours enough to communicate with your parents. And you can easily learn how to cook the foods he loves.
If you really want this marriage, it may not be too complicated.
Is this man able to provide for you and fulfill his duties as a husband. This is probably the one area that your parents would be serious about, and it is something for you to consider.
