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Name
Aisha
- United States
Profession
Question
Assalamu alaikum. I am not sure I am clear on the topic heading, what is meant by "befriending" our teens? Thank you.
Answer
Assalamu alaykum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.
May Allah reward you for asking this clarifying question. By using "befriending," we intended to say the following:
1) We agree that parents and children have certain rights and responsibilities according to Islam.
2) Parents need to learn how to win the trust and confidence of their children such that the children will view their parents are "friends" to some degree, addition to their roles as parents of course.
3) Befriending implies that the teens can talk to their parents about daily life issues, realizing that this might be awkward for the teens at first but if the parents make them feel comfortable, insha'allah, the friendship will improve.
This is in brief. Thank you for your question.
Name
Sameer
-
Profession
Question
U know Dr. that the teens misuse our friendships. They press 2 have more than what we can offer. What is ur advice 2 face such manner?
Answer
Jazakallah khairan Br. Sameer for this question. Throughout childhood and the teenage years, one key phenomenon to keep in mind is that our children will consistently test the boundaries or limits of the relationship. Even as young as two or three years of age, a young boy might keep touching fragile artwork in the house, despite repeated warnings from parents not to do so. He is trying to test the limits, to see what the parents will do. Trust is a key outcome of this process and it is built through the child "trusting" that the parents do care. In addition, the child learns that with every negative action, there is a consequence. So if he knocks down the artwork and is asked to stand in the corner for a "time-out," then that is the consequence of his action.
Children keep excellent and sometimes very detailed accounts of their interactions with their parents. It is important that the trust is built to such a level that the children do not feel any reason to abuse it. However, as a part of their growing up, they might test the limits of what you allow them to do and that's where the reaction must match in proportion the actual incident. And furthermore, there should be consistency so that the children do not feel that a) dad is nicer than mom, b) that they got away this one time, or c) that a the boys are given more exceptions than the girls. Allahu alim. Hope this helps insha'allah.
Name
Yusuf C...
-
Profession
Question
By asserting befriending u mean that the other way of managing our families isn't right.. what is the mistakes u r afraid about?
Answer
Thank you for your question. By no means are we saying that any one is not managing their family correctly, we are definitely saying that all of us need to improve how we are handling our families.
We are enjoining caution, noting that in the West (majority non-Muslim countries), the teens need to feel that they can turn to their parents with any sort of problem whatsoever, just like the teens turn to their friends with those same problems. We are afraid that the parent/teen relationship does not receive much attention and all interactions are passed off as "oh, she is just having growing pains."
We are afraid that sometimes with our busy schedules, parents might not think about just being "friends" to their teens sometimes instead of always approaching the pre-adults (i.e. teens) as if they are still very little children. Establishing friendships means spending time together, gaining trust and confidence, and feeling comfortable to share the good and the bad aspects of one's lives. We think parents can have such a friendship with their teen, but it is hard work!
Allah knows best.
Name
Alex
- France
Profession
Question
Assalamu aleikum Dr Abdullah. Thank you for providing us with this opportunity. I am very interested in the work of the "Islamic counsellor". Can you tell us a little bit more about it? How does it differ from the role of the mufti for example? If it is possible, could you leave me an email adress? I would really like to remain in contact
Barakalofik..
Answer
Thank you for your question. A Mufti can be both a religious scholar who can issues fatawa as well as an Islamic counselor, but an Islamic counselor can only advise people according to Islamic guidelines and can never issue a fatwa unless he or she has the Islamic knowledge that would essentially qualify him/her to be a "mufti."
The Ummah is going through a phase whereby we have too many people with mental health and counseling needs but not enough Islamic scholars with the training to serve as "counselors." So the counselors serve as the first step for most people in need and then, depending on whether the issue requires a fatwa, the counselor usually refers the people to an Islamic scholar.
An example: A couple cannot have children and this is affecting their marital relationship. They wish to consider in vitro fertilization (test tube baby).
A Muslim counselor could attend to the day to day marital issues while the religious scholar will consider the question about in vitro fertilization. Sometimes, the scholar has enough time and patience as well as a personality that invites people to share intimate issues. Other times, the scholar's personality is not conducive to people feeling comfortable with the counseling part of their problem. That's fine and that's where the Islamic or Muslim counselor can help insha'allah. But the religious scholar should really have the final say on the Islamic ruling concerning the in vitro fertilization in this example. And Allah knows best.
Name
Jonas...
-
Profession
Question
What about school effect Dr Rahman.. How can we reach 2 a safe relation with our teens in such a hard environment?
Answer
Thank you for your question. The reality is that our teens are affected by their school environment because they spend nearly 6-8 hours of their waking moments at school. Parents should make it a habit to inquire how the school day was everyday. That way, the teens they can share with their parents what they experienced as well as any challenges they might be facing at school. The environment is "hard," as you say, but not impossible to deal with. One of the challenges is to try and "fit in." Our children need to be reassured that as Muslims, they have a lot to offer their classmates. And in this way, the teens will not try to "fit in" as much because they can be proud of who they are as Muslims insha'allah.
In general, parents should take an interest in the teens, their teachers, the subjects they are studying etc. And Allah knows best.
Name
sarah
- United Kingdom
Profession
Question
Salam. what do you think of the saying - "ignore the bad behaviour and reward the good" is this something we can use on children when they are growing up. i am not one whol would ever hit children so i understand where this point of view comes from.
Answer
Thank you for your question. Unfortunately, after a certain age, our children come to learn that when parents "ignore" bad behavior they are basically accepting bad behavior without the children suffering any consequences. So, we are not sure that the saying should be a part of one's parenting style. Sometimes, children try to get their parents' attention by misbehaving. Exercising judgment as to the severity of the misbehavior, the parents can choose to "ignore" the behavior. Most of the time, we do not recommend completely ignoring the bad behavior.
On the other hand, we also do not recommend excessive focus on rewarding of good behavior. Sometimes, a simple compliment might be enough and at other times, depending on the good behavior, a tangible reward might be more suitable. But the children should not become trained to such a degree that their behavior is only the result of wanting to be rewarded. And Allah knows best.
Name
Alex
- France
Profession
Question
Regarding my previous question, I forgot to leave you my email adress: caeiroa@yahoo.com. Shukran..
How can we minimize the negative effect of peers especially in high schools.We live in an unislamic environment and there is no islamic center around.
Answer
Thanks for writing. The importance of choosing one's friends cannot be overemphasized. There is a difference between the negative influence of those who you attend school with and those whom you choose to consider your friends. You should be very careful in becoming close to those young people who you know will not appreciate your being Muslim. Try to find friends, Muslims and people of other faiths, who appreciate you for who you are, a Muslim and not try to change you or suggest un-Islamic activities to you.
If you have even a few Muslim friends, then get together and form a youth group with them. You can meet for study circles (halaqaat) and insha'allah learn more about Islam as well as about the problems you face in daily life. Of course, it is best to have the youth group by for boys only or girly only insha'allah. If there are only a few Muslim youth, then have an older man or woman help facilitate the discussion. There should always be a more knowledgeable person to help facilitate the discussions insha'allah. And Allah knows best.
Name
mona
- Bahamas
Profession
engineer
Question
Dear dr, i have a girl she is now 14 , and i really have a difficult time to manage her temper and ups and downs , one day active the other so lazy and then she does not allow us to give her any advice anymore , it this normal when a kid turns into the period of teenage? how can i manage?
Answer
Thank you for your question. Actually, you have a fairly normal teenager but that does not mean you should not watch out for signals that your teenager needs professional help. While temper tantrums are normal to some degree but should be monitored to detect if the teen actually has an anger management problem. What makes her angry? Is it anything concrete or do you have trouble pinpointing why she is angry? Ask her, is she able to tell you why she is angry? How long does she stay angry? Does she act out? Become violent? Keep track of these issues to make sure you get her help if in fact she is having anger management issues.
As for the being lazy one day and active the next, this can again be something normal because of the physical and hormonal changes teenagers are going through. They do tend to need a lot of sleep in the adolescent years to facilitate their growth. However, we again suggest that you monitor her activity patterns and consult a counselor if there is cause for concern, i.e. your daughter's outlook on life is being affected.
Finally, teens are known to feel that they know everything and then alhamdulillah, life experience teaches them that they really do not know everything. Break the cycle of how you communicate with your teen. Take a refreshing approach and ask her about her feelings and if she knows what she did wrong for example. Sometimes the teens want to just talk to you and share something without getting any advice. So pay attention to each situation insha'allah and exercise judgment in listening more and speaking less. Of course, as a parent, you should always advise your teen, but choosing the right time and the right thing to say requires having a very strong relationship with one's teens! And Allah knows best.
Name
sarah
-
Profession
Question
Salam. what would you to someone who has children who as a result of being exposed to the western society do not follow islam accordingly. how would you answer them when they say "Islam is an old religion, we need to move with the times" some teenagers seem to think that Islam is backward an people who are devoutare made fun of?is there a solution?
Answer
Thank you for your question. Well, the two key words to remember in dealing with this question is, "universal" and "timeless." The message of Islam is universal. It is accepted voluntarily by over a billion people in the world and they live everywhere from Alaska, USA to Alexandria, Egypt and from Indonesia to Chechnya. But our teens do not really know this. They do not know how many people throughout the world love Islam as their religion. Spend time sharing with them this aspect of Islam insha'allah and let them appreciate the universality of Islam.
Second, Islam's message is timeless. It is just as applicable today as it was when it was first revealed to Prophet Muhammad sal allahu alayhi wasallam. It is then our job to look at the values that Islam promotes and help our teens understand how these values are not "backwards" and that in the end they are the values given to us by Allah.
This answer could be much longer, but let us end with this: There has been and always will be great effort on the enemies of Islam to make people doubt the universality and timelessness of Islam. We have to admit that some Muslims might have used Islam as an excuse for their backwardness, but in the end, Islam itself is the only answer for life in the future because, as we said before, it's message is both universal and timeless. Let us not simply give our children slogans such as "Islam is the solution," without first developing institutions and programs that can help to implement the values and beliefs of Islam. Then our children will become our best ambassadors instead of always being influenced to look down on Islam. And Allah knows best.
Name
samir
- Argentina
Profession
teacher
Question
How can i as a teacher manage the chaos that is created by my teenage students in class, they totally refuse the idea of discipline and lack respect to teachers and school administration?
Answer
Thank you for your question.
Your job as a teacher is not to babysit other people's children. You should make it a point to involve the parents and have a parent-teacher-student conference. Have a list of issues you wish to discuss and remain as objective as possible so that there can be some resolution to the issues of lack of discipline and lack of respect for authority. You will be surprised that if the home environment is not supportive, no matter what you try to do at school, it will be undone at home. So, make sure to involve parents, teachers and students insha'allah. Document the outcome of the meeting and follow up as necessary. And Allah knows best.
Name
hamdi
- Aruba
Profession
science teacher in a public school
Question
Dr , what are your advices to teach teenage kids sex education within the islamic frame. I am a science teacher and i am suppossed to teach them the reproductive system and I certainly have to go into some details,. How can i do that and still stick to the islamic frame of dealing with the issue..
Answer
Thank you for your question. We appreciate your concerns. Teenagers are quite inquisitive and want explanations. During their adolescent years, they will be experiencing various physical and hormonal changes and it is best that they have some understanding of what they are going through. We prefer sharing with you the excellent response of our Islamic scholars to a similar question. Please read it below Insha'allah that will help you. And Allah knows best.
