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Yours,
IOL Homepage Editor
Name
adam
- United States
Profession
Question
Salamu alaykum Dr.,
I've got a question which I find difficult to talk to anyone about. I'm 25yrs old and worried I wont ever get engaged... I don't know any girls who are smart, beautiful and serious about their religion. I was partially engaged about 10 months ago but it didn't work out and it took my almost 6 yrs to agree to get engaged to anyone because she had all the qualities I look for in a girl. Now I'm scared it will take me another 6 yrs but I want to have children young so that I can relate to them better. What advice do you give me, my parents want me to marry a young girl at the age of 18-19 yrs old so that I can mould her the way I want- which is wrong on so many levels.
Answer
Assalam Alaykum Adam,
Bless you for being so conscientious. I have my own personal bias about this, so don't take my response as a directive..... My opinion is that you should look for a woman who is religious and loves Allah first. Beauty can come and go, and come back again. Physical beauty fades and is reshapable. The human body is like clay, and you can redo this and that, and it will also grow old and crack anyway. Find someone who makes you feel beautiful, and make her feel beautiful regardless of her physical features. If a woman is religious, she is probably intelligent too. It makes sense to want a woman that you can have a conversation with. As far as marrying a younger woman, your parents might be misguided. An 18 year old can have a mind of her own and as with a strong will as any 35 year old, so.... better to marry a woman that you like, regardless of her age. There is nothing wrong with marrying an 18 or 19 year old, I am just saying that you are limiting yourself by making that a criteria. Keep it simple. If you like her, and you have the same values, and you both want children, and you agree on roles (is she going to be a homemaker or have a career?...who is in charge of the finances?....stuff like that)... so, if you ask the brothers in your community who is available, I am sure you will meet several eligible women. It is when you are ready to make a commitment that you will pick a woman. It is really that simple. When you are ready, it will happen.
Salam,
Maryam Bachmeier PsyD
Name
anonymous
-
Profession
Question
Aslaamu’alaikum Dr. and everybody,
I would sincerely like some brothers and sisters in Islam to address their interpretations or express their thoughts, if possible, upon the following dreams I made from 2000 to 2006:
1.) I once dreamt of hundreds of flying creatures entering my room by the door in a frightening whirlpool one night. Two of them lifted me from my bed, grabbed me by the shoulders and we passed through the wall of my apartment. The next second, we were directly over Mecca where they flew me round the Qiblah 7 times.
2.) I dreamt of a baby sitting and talking Arabic over my grandfather’s bed 3 days before he died. The morning he passed away, I dreamt of my grandfather standing up and walking away from me with the shade of an enormous black hand on his back supporting him.
3.) I dreamt of myself another night walking my way back home, I saw a very pale girl (approximately 15 years of age) sitting in the middle on the street. She was shouting bitterly and pushing her father. I approached her, I knelt down, gripped her hair and began reciting Al-Falaq, An-naas and Auzu billahi mink. She finally became calm, she stopped gazing at me in horror and silently put her head down. Some kind of successful exorcism.
4.) While sleeping, I began hearing a pulse inside my head. Then I opened my eyes, see myself as usual inside my body with the exception that I could not move at all. Another time, it was the same thing but I was outside of my body lying aside of it on the bed. There was a gigantic white pillar in my room stretching up to infinity. On both occasions, I read Surah Al-Ikhlaas and prayed to God so that I entered back my body. I woke up in shock with my left hand numb each time.
Answer
Assalamu Alaykum anonymous,
I saved a copy of these dreams so that I can analyze them. They are very detailed and filled with symbols with powerful meaning. It is more than I can do right here. Please send me an e-mail address to Dr.Bachmeier@iolteam.com, that I can send my response to, or you can write in again next Sunday and I will post my response then. Thank you for submitting these dreams. They are definitely very meaningful.
Salam
Maryam Bachmeier Psy D
Name
saadia
- Pakistan
Profession
doctor
Question
Salam Dr.,
For the last few days, I am very much worried because of one of my habit that is basically unintentional, i.e., I don't intend to look specifically at any part of body of people, it jus happens that make me embarrassed and creates lots of problems for me as they can think bad of me etc. Help me in this regard. Now being over conscious makes me worrid. what should I do in this regard?. help me and I'll be thankful. I am offering continuous prayers and duas to help me get rid of it. This makes me constantly depressed.
Thanks and regards Dr.
Answer
Assalamu Alaykum Saadia,
Take your mind off of this issue and don't worry. If you find yourself looking, look away...and don't give it another thought.
Shift your focus to practicing lowering your gaze. This is an actual habit that is learned, so, you have to practice it. So, when someone walks past you, purposely lower your head a little and look toward the ground. The more you do this, the more it will become a habit for you.
Those of us who are born in Europe or the US or Canada, really have to practice this, because the culture in the west is to make direct eye contact with everyone you meet. So, don't worry, just have fun learning a new habit. When you forget to lower your gaze tell yourself "oops!" And when you successfully lower your gaze, tell yourself "good job!"... Simple
Good luck, and tell me if this helps.
Salam,
Maryam Bachmeier Psy D
Name
joya
-
Profession
Question
Assalamualikum Dear Dr. Bachmeier,
I would be very happy if you could help me with my problem insha allah. As long as I can remember I never felt that I belonged to anyone. Don’t get me wrong I was brought up in a very loving household. My parents loved me to death. The only things that I can remember from my childhood other than the usual is that I think I was sexually abused by a man servant in our house who used to live in the outhouse. All I can remember is I was inappropriately touched and something else might have happened, which in all probability I have blocked out. It is not an issue it doesn’t bother me. The other thing that I can remember is my family members used to joke with me that they had picked me up from the garbage and I am not related to them, it is a very bad joke that is kind of cultural, just to tease kids, but I guess my sensitive nature took that seriously. Also my relationship with my elder sister was bad and still not excellent. We love each other, but the sibling rivalry may have been stretched over the years. She was a pretty and smart girl that everybody loved and I was the people’s person, plain as a paper but center of all actions. Deep inside I always felt inadequate despite my uncountable blessings. I had lots and lots of friends when I was growing up, and I still have them. Over the years I have accumulated loads of friends who think I am just fantastic, a party without me is dull, a smile from me makes their day, and they can’t see me with a long face, Alhamdulillah. And all these friends I talk about are all of different age, different ethnicity and professions. And I know this bunch from my Shariah school. I have never felt connected with my friends and till this day despite having all these wonderful friends I don’t fill connected to them. When in a social situation, I am enjoying myself and I can interact, I can do anything and everything, but if anything is to happen, I tend to bring it on me. My paranoia is to this extent that at times I feel they hang out with me because they pity me, or I am not good enough. I honestly don’t know at what stage in my life I picked up this attitude, but I do not handle conflict or rejection well. Not that I have many conflicts with people or that people reject me, but I seem to cook up things in my head. I have been told by everybody no because I probed, but on their own accord that they are blessed to have me in their life and wa allahi sister I know how much Allah (swt) loves me to have blessed me with all that I have in life, but why do I make myself miserable from time to time thinking that I am not worthy of anybody’s love, that nobody likes me, they just tolerate me. How pathetic is that and there is no evidence to prove my claim, but I still tend to make myself depressed over it, can you please help me with it.
Thanks a zillion
Answer
Wa Alaykum Assalam Joya,
You sound like you are a very charming person and people love to be around you. The one thing you may be craving is to have one or two people that you can actually share your authentic heart and soul with, and that is very hard to find. And belonging, that is a sense of feeling closer to someone than even blood relationship can create... a bond that is unbreakable. We all crave and need that. It is also very difficult to find. However, you are very healthy of mind to be able to acknowledge his. And a woman really needs to belong. It is a deep emotional need imbedded in our psyche. Marriage is the best way to find this, if you can find a man who can understand that taking a woman home means keeping her forever. Yes, I am quite romantic, but this is what women need... consciously or subconsciously. By being conscious about this, you can be honest with yourself and others and not have to lie to yourself and become superficial. That will cause real loneliness. So, don't become superficial. Your understanding of your own needs will also draw other women who feel just as you do into your world, and you will have someone to share this with. That will help with the loneliness. Authentic sharing of the heart takes courage... you have to allow your vulnerable parts be exposed... and in time, because of your ability to be cautions, and aware, you will find a few trusted friends with whom you can share a lot... hopefully, you will marry, and really share all of who you are with someone who will love you unconditionally. Meanwhile, enjoy being the charismatic person that you are, that is part of your personality, and though you are not experiencing the intimacy with your friends that you crave, the connection is healthy.
Please write more about your situation and what your hopes and dreams for your future are.
Salam,
Maryam Bachmeier PsyD
Name
Girl
- Indonesia
Profession
Question
Assalamualaykum Dr.,
I often sleep over 10 pm. Usually 11 or 12 pm. Because I Don't feel sleepy even if I close my eyes, so I usually listen to the radio or look at the TV or do something. And wake up at 5 am for fajr prayer, after prayer, I sleep again until 8.30 am. The quality of my sleep is good because I'm not wake up in the middle of my sleep. My sleep is soundly. But i have a trouble for starting my sleep.. Is this insomnia?
I have a problem for managing my time..it cause my work accumulating...and when I face so many things that I do not yet to do...it make me stress and I just freeze(can't do the job). I'm addicted in internet...this is caused my work accumulating... I love internet but i can handle when I open that... It can be hours in facebook or other social site... I don't want to leave that, but want to manage it... This is soo hard to me.. My family also complained and criticize me about this habit...
Now my work accumulated..I'm stressed..
Answer
Wa Assalam Alaykum Girl,
First, the sleep issue. If you are waking up feeling rested and alert, then you don't have anything to worry about. Remember that if you go to bed, and rest in a dark room, even if you are not sleeping, your body is regenerating, so don't worry too much, just make sure you go to bed at the same time every night and rest quietly.
Time management: Every night, one hour before you go to bed, write your list of things to do for the week and then each day, and then finally tomorrow. The tomorrow to do list will have several things on it. Prioritize them. Then do the first thing on your list first and cross it off when you have completed it. If you do not get through the whole list by the end of the day, move what was not completed to the next days list. Do not open the internet until you have completed all the things on your list. Turn it off at bedtime.
For the next week leave the internet alone, so that you can catch up on your work. Once you have completed all your work, reward yourself with something... let me know if you think you can do what I have just suggested... and how we can make this happen.
Salam
Maryam Bachmeieir Psy D
Name
Fatima
- Australia
Profession
Question
Salam to you Doctor,
I emailed you last week about my uncle and his woman, and how she cheated on him etc. Well after she called the police and they arrested him and he had an intervention order taken out on him, she called him the next day and told him she would tell the court that she wants to withdraw it etc.
Well on the day of the court case, she didn't withdraw it like she promised him and she wont let him see the kids. Its so stupid, because here in Australia they have introduced a law to tackle domestic violence, where the wife/female doesn't need evidence for what she is claiming. She is saying that he physically abused her but that is not the case... its sooo stupid.
Well anyways, when he left the court room he was crying and was upset not because she went through with the intervention order but because she wont let him see the children without getting the courts permission, he was very upset and said that he wanted to get a divorce. My family was very happy that he said that, but then the next day she called him and said she regrets getting the order and that she wants him to go home. So he dropped everything and went over to her place, he wont listen to anyone in the family.... the thing that worries me is she still hasn't officially withdrawn the order (because now its a police matter ) so I'm afraid that she will be call the police and tell them he is at home and hence is violating the order. She is soooo manipulative, she claims her brother was pressuring her to get the order, but then when my mum called to speak to her, she hung up. She is really scaring me... because it seems like she is capable of anything and my uncle loves her so much that he is willing to forget everything, even the fact that she may have cheated on him again.
I believe she is doing this to try and divert attention away from what she did. I want to cry because I'm scared she will hurt my uncle again. What can we do to help, we have tried to be supportive, but she has gone back with open arms.
Answer
Wa Alaykum As-Salam Fatima,
Yes, this is extremely difficult for your uncle, I can see. His children are involved too. If he will listen to anyone, he really needs to follow all the legal orders, because that is how men end up in the system. It is sad, and wrong, but true. This happens in the US too. The only protection he has is to follow the court orders and then work on seeing the children with supervised visitation. If he plays the game right, he will have at least the right to have a relationship with his children. He also needs a safe place to grieve. Part of the reason why he is so easily manipulated back into that situation is because one of the first stages of grief is denial. This is a normal psychological and emotional process. It will be hard to move him through denial. When he does, he will likely become extremely angry, and that is another danger point This is when men get themselves in trouble and in jail. None of this is fair. If there is any way you can get him connected with a therapist to help him with his situation, that would be good. Encourage him to write in here at IOL also. This woman might even provoke him to the point where he does hit her or something, and if that happens, he will be in jail. This is harder to endure for him than death. When you loose a spouse to death, you grieve, and go through a process, but you don't lose your sense of who you are and what your whole life meant. When you are betrayed, it is the death of a relationship you thought you have, and the death of everything you thought you were living for.... this man needs Tender Loving Care. Be gentle with him, and don't argue with him...love is love... and he will fight while he is in denial, but rather, shower him with love.... surround him with as many family members and friends who will shower him with kindness, understanding and love as possible... And just stand by and be supportive. It is true that anything can happen at this point, just let him know that you love him no matter what.
Keep me posted...
Salam,
Maryam Bachmeier PsyD
Name
sadeqa (URGENT)
- United Kingdom
Profession
Question
salam Dr., and thanks for all your help
previously I wrote about my past and my situation recently is that I'm very depressed and time to time would cry to myself because I have no one to talk to about my life and what i want iv always fear of getting married maybe that's due to past bad experience I have been through but right now I'm finishing my final year at university inshallah I'll pass I've worked really hard for it. but after my exam I'm supposed to marry this Muslim guy. I know he waited four years for me. My problem is my parents they will not like it becuase he is 17 years older than me but I'm okay with that. I've decided to do my Nikah and move away then ask forgiveness to my parents either way if I tell them I'm in trouble I think it's my choice whom I marry. I feel helpless, guilty that one day I'm going to leave my house and get married without my parents consent. Is this the biggest sin in Allah's eyes? how can I sincerely repent for this sin?
please advise me as I'm about to take the biggest decision in my life. Would I be happy afterwords?
Please help me. I'm so depressed.
Answer
Salam sweet sister,
Please talk to the scholars about whether it is OK to marry without parents' consent. I can only give you my gut feelings and opinions. It seems to me you have been in the university and you are able to make your own decisions. It was my understanding that parents arrange, and/or approve of marriages for their children when they are too young to do that for themselves. But again, you really should seek the advice of a scholar.
I believe that if you already have a good relationship with your parents, then they will eventually understand. Parents often come on strong because they want to protect their children and they want their children to be happy. If you do marry this man, and find yourself very happy, then it is likely that our parents will be happy too.
Keep the lines of communication open with them, keep writing them letters, tell them how much you love them, and how much you love your husband to be.
Congratulations for succeeding in your studies! Pray the guidance prayer. Make sure you know you will be happy with this man. If this is the case, make sure your parents know you cannot be happy without him. They might soften.
Salam,
Maryam Bachmeier PsyD
Name
f h a
- Canada
Profession
student
Question
Assalamu'alaikom
The fitna of women is killing me, and I feel craving for them more than ever before. I'm 22 and my sex drive has increased drastically since I was 18. I'm still a 3rd year student at university and have one more year to go and I'm struggling a lot. What can I do? I'm masturbating everyday and started losing my modesty with women and I started to talk about sex way too much. What should I do? Can I do misyar Nikah?
Answer
Wa Alaykum ASsalam fha,
You sex drive is very normal for a man your age. Is there no way for you to marry?
It is time for you to accept the responsibility of a man. I don't believe in temporary marriage just to use a woman for sex. You will have to love your wife, and that come from living with her and taking good care of her. You are at the age where your next step is responsibility and commitment. Allah has a way of getting you there.
Salam,
Maryam Bachmeier PsyD
Name
Amina
- United States
Profession
Student
Question
Assalamu Alaikum,
One of my friends told me that it is better for a women to have all of her children between 18 and 30 years than 30 to 37 years and not good to have them after 37 years, as a doctor, is it true? if yes, why?
Answer
Salam Amina,
There are different schools of thought on this. But really, you want to plan the timing of your children with your husband. You have to take a lot into consideration, including your finances and ability to care for them. On the other hand, pregnancy and labor can be easier when you are younger. But, if you know you will want children when you are 37, and you keep your body in very good shape, you won't have any problems. If you wait until after 40 you increase the chance of having a down syndrome child, but that is if you have not had children before.
You should think more about what your lifestyle is like, and what you wan to be doing when you are 57... do you want teenagers? Many do... many are grandparents... it's really up to you and the lifestyle you want, but make you understand that you will have to take very good care of your body to have a comfortable pregnancy and labor.
Salam,
Maryam Bachmeier PsyD
Name
saadia
- Pakistan
Profession
doctr
Question
thanks Dr for your help,
Another question please, that is just related to the previous one that I'm about to marry and still living with my parents. This problem I told you is now creating a problem for me especially regarding males as they think bad of me.I lost my confidence. and I'm in a state of constant depression.
thanks again Dr.
Answer
Salam saadia,
It is best to ignore what people think and look to Allah for your guidance. Stay close to those who support you. Time will take care of a lot of this. Think about your future, and plan something constructive to do each day. You know what your intentions are. Keep me posted on your progress
Salams
Maryam Bachmeier Psyd
Name
muslima
-
Profession
Question
Assalamualaikum Dr Maryam,
Hope this email finds you in a good health, amin. I sent you an email to your address on Wednesday, but no response, here is the email.
I feel like more depressed now since most of the time i am at home. no friends ( I am not ready yet to contact them, becauseI know what question and talk they may have to me, I have try that before when I have a problem ) and no jobs. i don't know how i really feel, most of the time thinking bout him. its mix feeling changing in short of time. I wish I can wipe off since thinking the past is hurting but in other side I still thinking of him a lot i just afraid if I try to ignore or lie this feeling so the healing is taking more time but its hurting too that my past always comes up especially when I missed them but I can't do anything. I really want to know how to handle this by myself. but this mind is fulled not see the light try to go deep in heart but still blank. I just feel i failed with the way his rejection and don't believe he throw me away like I am not human who have no feeling. I want to put positive mind and clean heart but its getting hard for now to do that. my heart is like no love and caring anymore. I still feel don't believe it happen to me. Its way out of my mind of everything and really fed me up. I can't get rid off his from my mind and heart. i don't like that but don't know what to do also just make dua and salat and talk to Allah SWT only.
its like a lot of question i want to ask him, why he marry me if he didn't feel sexually interested with me, why he take me to his country if he is just giving me to his family to take care of.. and struggle alone.. why if he feel financially trouble not solved it with me instead of throw me away.. a lot of why but he can't answer only pointed that he can't live with me with my mood swing etc. we just live together only less then 3 month after a year separated. whats wrong.. i do what he wants and i am happy to do it since its very Islamic. Like he doesn't like mixed man and women, he not allow me to go to class that mixed, he will tell my friends is slut or hypocrites if they do mixed and will not like me to go with them.
but he himself not treat me well emotionally, he leave me alone all days and night time ( no quality time for us as a new couple ) for the reason work and study while i tell him we still on honey moon i guess so its ok if I ask more romance and his attention more i do understand that he needs his time. but he said it is not his time for such things since he is thinking of our future financially. he is the first man in my life he knows that the first for everything ( he used to having girlfriend of course he did not need romance again maybe ) and i thought he would understand after I tell him what I feel that i need a little touch for a while but he don't want to change why he don't want to change should he knows that marriage needed 2 "works". He ask me to do anything right while he himself just be with selfish. he said don't count on him for everything, but when i try to survive by myself he looks don't like. Alhamdulillah I am easy to have friends in short time in masjid and his family treat me well too but why he didn't feel happy with that.. what is he looking for ? anything i do it looks not enough for him. I gave all to him till zero for myself Dr.. so when he did this i feel like I can't found me anymore coz he changed me with his role.
I already take medicine for about almost 2 months. I am now still hurting, trauma, feel failed, missed, love because he is still a good man Dr he is not all bad I just feel hurt with rejection so all what I tell you looks him bad but is not I just want to explain why my heart being now and wants to heal but sometimes I feel just really numb its like nothing happen and not connected with current time. i hate myself and don't like myself seems like yes I dumb or feel ashamed because the man I choose is like that can you please help me Dr..
Jazzakallah Khairan
Wassalamualaikum
Answer
Salam muslima,
I will see what is wrong with my mail. I have been having some trouble with it. I did read and respond. Many people are not getting my responses.
You are doing the right thing by not denying how you feel. And this really does take a long time. Let that be OK. Fighting it will make it worse. But don't suffer alone. E-mail me at Dr.Bachmeier@yahoo.com. I will respond on Wednesdays. That e-mail will work, I am sure of it. Remember, this gentleman had issues and problems inside himself, unresolved conflicts, and issues with commitment and responsibility. This is not a reflection on you. You did not do anything wrong. It is not uncommon for men to project their own inner issue onto the woman. But the woman needs to be strong and know that what ever he says, he needs to deal with a and face his own issues about is inability to make a commitment, and be responsible. It may feel like rejection to you, especially when he says so many mean things... but really, he just has not grown up and is not ready to marry like a man. Allah has saved you for a man who can take the responsibilities of manhood in a mature way. It is possible that he knows he does not deserve you, and it is good that he did not touch you. Your right as a woman and wife is to be protected and provided for. If he is not ready to do that, then let him go. Time will heal this, please write to me again, I am sorry about the problems with the e-mail. It will be fixed inshallah, meanwhile, e-mail me to my Dr.Bachmeier@yahoo.com mail.
And remember, this isn't a question or judgment about weather or not he is a good man, but he simply is not grown up enough to take on the responsibility of marriage. Some men never get to that point authentically. You want to be ready for the man who is.
Your work is to focus on what you want to do with your own future now, what your goals for the next month will be. Let's talk about that.
Salam,
Maryam Bachmeier PsyD
Name
Tabassum
-
Profession
Doctor
Question
As salamualikum Sister,
I have been following your sessions regularly, jazakallah kheir for your beautiful service. I am not sure if I have a problem or it is just my inability to relax and let go of things that I am struggling with. I was trained as a doctor and I loved research so, I moved to a first world country, studied here and worked for a while, in a very prestigious organization, almost one of it’s kind. But was not happy with my job and left it mid last year after 4 long years of research with no degree, and not even finishing it. I have no regret for leaving the job as I was very unhappy mainly because of the surroundings and work culture which never agreed with me, and before I took my step I prayed istikhara and I am very much in peace with the decision. But I guess I really haven't started to move towards anything after that. My family and friends and also my shaikh is encouraging me to sit for the professional exam and start practicing as a doctor, but I guess I am sort of scared of taking up clinical medicine again as I have been away from it for such a long time, and the sheer responsibility of treating people, is insurmountable. Also the fact once I do the exam now and get back in clinical medicine I have to compete with much younger doctors who have much more energy, and are more driven. In all probability it is all my fear, because I am a very highly strung, controlling person who is preoccupied with details and perfectionism. And it is so hard for me to let go of the fear of impending failure (which hasn’t happened) and also motivate myself to sit and study, not to mention due to the fact that I haven’t worked for almost an year now, the receding savings is also making me scared to take up the challenge of dropping everything and sit down to study.
I am aware that nothing happens outside the will of Allah (swt) and whatever is happening in my life is by his will. I have an idea by I don’t know how I can go about it, and I can’t bring myself to talk my father about it, as I don’t know how to really pursue my bright idea . I will tell you, my idea of treating a human is holistic treatment, or approach it from all angels, like physical, spiritual, mental etc. I would like to learn prophetic medicine and treat people with that, due to the fact that Allah (swt) has sent medication for every disease except death, and Rasulallah (saw) used to give people treatment with different natural substances. So I don’t know if it is my fear of failure or because I honestly believe that I would like to practice prophetic medicine. How can I distinguish that? I would be very much obliged if you could share some of your thoughts about this issue.
Jazakallah kheir
Answer
Wa Alaykum Assalam Tabassum,
Well, judging from the tone of your letter here, you certainly have the disposition of a doctor! Most people cannot fathom the anxiety that doctors experience when they contemplate taking those exams.
I am a mature woman myself. I can tell you that the experience of the more mature doctor is invaluable. We have what I call the "existential advantage"....
There is no competition. We are given the work that we are meant to do by Allah. If go with that, you will be able to focus and enjoy the work you are doing. You will naturally be filling a need and your Dawah will be natural. It will all fall into place.
There is no such thing as failure. You are a healer, be a healer. Nothing to achieve. Acquire the necessary knowledge to help those who need you services... keep it simple. You are doing well. Since those who live int he dimension EARTH want LABELS, you can find one that matches the work you are being called to do, or make a label that describes it. Psycho-spiritual is an accepted label, and one that I use often. I love the idea of using natural substances, there are many doctor degrees in that area also, and if you state that you are a prophetic medical practitioner, then that is allowed. You just have to learn all the rules and regulations of the license that you are getting.
For example, I am a traditional Clinical Psychologist... in the mainstream... however, I have made it clear that all the work I do OUTSIDE the hospital is guided by ISLAM...since I am upfront about that, it is allowed. This lets people know what my bias is.
Remember, you cannot fail. If you begin to travel down a path, and yo believe you are headed for a particular destination, but you find you are headed for a destination that you did not expect, realize that Allah knows better than you... you still did the right thing by walking down the path... stay on the path, let Allah guide you, and you will be the servant of Allah... that is our goal... when we become instruments for the sake of Allah, and people are helped as a result, this is both the will and the action of Allah, and all praise goes to Allah... so there is nothing to fear.... you will find yourself nestled in a safe place ... close to Allah... no better feeling than that..
You can e-mail me at Dr.Bachmeier@yahoo.com... and we can talk more. I respond to those e-mails on Wednesday.
Maryam Bachmeier Psy D
Name
Jasmine
-
Profession
Question
Salam wa'alikum.
Thank you for taking the time to read and respond to me question, jazak allah khairan.
Ill begin by telling you a little about my depression, I've had it for almost two years... I've been seeking counseling which has helped a little alhumdullah.... and i was on medication for a while but it didn't seem to be helping much, so i ceased it.
Now my physical appearance has decreased along with my social skills. I cant converse with people anymore, LITERALLY don't have anything to say... I've been eating a lot more which now has lead to weight gain and a break out of acne. This has lowered my self-esteem again.
How do I function in my everyday life without feeling an ounce of happiness, laughter or sympathy for anyone. Ive become very selfish and only think about how bad I'm feeling, my social interest is horrible.
Please help me.
Thanks
Answer
Salam Jasmine,
This sounds like you may have a biologically based depression. It is possible that you were not taking the right medication, or the wrong dose. Some medications help with dopamine, and others help with serotonin. You have to try a few before you know which one will help, and it takes a minimum of 3 weeks to notice a difference.
Fist, make sure you exercise daily no matter what.... this will help with both the dopamine and serotonin.
Second, make an appointment with your doctor again, and consider taking medications again. If the one you try doesn't work, try a different one.
Third, you can work on social skills with a therapist and do actual exercises. You might benefit from joining group therapy. That is the best environment for learning social skills.
Finally, if you can volunteer to help in your community, you will see a big difference in how your mind is thinking and how you feel. It doesn't matter what you do, find an organization and do some volunteer work.
Let me know what progress you are making in accomplishing the tasks I just assigned you.
Salam
Maryam Bachmeier Psy D
Name
crying
-
Profession
Question
Hi there,
I emailed a few weeks ago about my 23 yrs old brother. You mentioned it might be drugs or a mental illness. I think it might be depression, because I don't think he is on drugs.
He used to annoy me when we were younger and people tend to get over that as they mature. But its as though he hasn't, he still acts like he is 16. My parents can't seem to put any sense in him.
I'm not sure whether this matters, but he hasn't really had a father figure growing up, because my dad was always working and when he wasn't he never spent any time with us AT ALL.
if it is depression? How can I get him to seek help without seeming condescending??
Thanks
Answer
Salam Crying,
This is difficult. But it is important to teach people that therapist are simply facilitators... They work for you.
The idea is that, if you have a difficulty in your life that makes you unhappy enough to want help, then a therapist can help you. Different people have different comfort levels. Some people wait until they loose their loved ones, their jobs, and can't function before they hire a therapist. Others will hire a therapist to help them process so that can make a decision. When your brother feels unhappy enough, and is in enough pain to want help, he will be ready to accept it. That is when you give him the idea of seeing someone.
Identifying where your brother is will help guide you in the approach to use with him. If he is pre-contemplative, you just plant seeds, and let him know you care about him and keep the lines of communication open. If he is contemplative, you talk to him about the pros and cons of getting help, and how getting help and taking action might change his life... still, it is his decision. If he is in the preparation stage, then he has made the decision to change his life... this is when you can actually suggest going to a therapy as part of his plan to change his life...
If you can find a male mentor to help him through these changes, all the better... perhaps your Imam or a brother from your community can reach out to him. You can also pass along this information.
Keep me posted on the progress.
Salam,
Maryam Bachmeier PsyD
Name
Muslimah
-
Profession
Shoe Sales
Question
I am in despair from my love of a Catholic bishop in my community. He says he loves me and wants to leave the priesthood to marry me. My family is angry at me. We are Kurds living in Winnipeg Canada but try to keep our customs and habits. But I love him so much and cannot keep my thoughts private any longer even if it hurts my Mom and Papa. They want me to return to Iran and marry my uncle's son but he is only 15 and is not experienced in love. Besides his eyes are crossed. Help me please with your help.
Answer
Assalam Alaykum Sister Muslima,
Is this Catholic Bishop willing to declare Shahada and practice Islam? Is he willing to prove to your parents that he will be a good husband, a good provider and a good Imam?
Is this chemistry, infatuation, lust?
Please think about these things before you do anything rash.
Perhaps the time is not right for you to marry anyone just now. You might want to do some soul searching and ask Allah for guidance.
Salam,
Maryam Bachmeier PsyD
Name
Ammey
- United Kingdom
Profession
-
Question
Assalamualaykum Dr.,
A lot of problems now lie within myself and I have to solve them before they interfere and deteriorate my relationship with my husband. My thoughts and feelings are uncertain and confused I guess. At one point I would like everything to be normal again but I usually would react otherwise.
The biggest problem now I think is communication. I can't really have a decent conversation with him as it will end up in an argument or disagreement most of the time. We seem to have different views, perceptions and could not find anything in common to discuss. It's very difficult to come to a consensus nowadays. Being the hurt person, I always perceive and interpret whatever he says differently from what he really intends it to be. I get agitated and angry easily. One minute I'm okay but the very instance something triggers my memory to what has happened, I automatically change into someone totally different; pessimistic, sad, and at times aggressive. I know I should live in the present and not in the past but the past is always haunting and tormenting me. I should talk about things that take place now and think about the future. But somehow I do not have the passion and eagerness to look forward in life. I know that I have to put my trust in Allah and not giving up in life. I just have to be patient and handle the problems wisely but sometimes I just can't do it........
Being a broken-hearted wife, I now don't feel special to my husband anymore. Maybe because I'm really hurt by his actions and am very disappointed in him. But somehow it has affected my feelings towards him. I can't seem to bring myself close to him like I used to. The feelings of closeness are no longer there. I've become like a stranger to him as there's gap now in our relationship I suppose; lack of trust most probably. And that really needs a lot of work because all the trust built since the last 23 years has been shattered.
Life does not always turn out the way we would like it to be. I know that Allah knows what's best for us. It's just so difficult to cope with the challenges at times. I should be more grateful to Allah for all the wonderful things that have happened to me for the past 45 years. Yes, today is my 45th birthday and I'm blessed with a 21 year old and a 16 year old sons who really love me and have always been there for me. I should be grateful to Allah.
Thank you very much Sis, for being helpful in many ways. I'm just another sister who needs all the support she could get to regain her self-worthiness and confidence in leading her remaining life in the world in the right path. May Allah bless us all.
Salam Dr.
Answer
Salam Ammey,
Give yourself time. Being aware is half the healing. Let him know that you need to feel special to him and how much you need to feel wanted. You can write what is called a "feeling letter".. you might have to re-write it to take out the negative stuff, but eventually you will end up with a draft that lets you know how you feel... that you love him, need him, feel insecure, and need some assurance of how much you mean to him. Ask him for what you want, and let him know some ways that will help... like how happy it would make you feel if you got some flowers, or if he spent time making love to you in a way that made you feel like he needed you, wanted you, and you belonged to him... like he loves you.... let him know that you need him to take that initiative... and how alone you are feeling and disconnected... ask him to reach out to you. It not for you to bring your self close to him. It is not for you to move toward or bring the relationship forward. Just let him know how you hunger for intimacy and to be loved. The rest is up to him. He will either move the relationship forward, or you will have what you have. It sounds blunt, but it is a reality that we accept. The last 23 years contain a history of a life spent together. Today is a new day. You are now two new and changed people, with a history... time to get to know each other, you are not who you were 23 years ago, and he isn't either.
Alhamdulliah... you do have a 21 year old and a 16 year old sons who will certainly bring you many blessings.... Happy Birthday!
This is a good time to start life over again... a new life... assess your future goals... share them with your husband if it feels right... ask him if he has thought about the future and ask him to share with you... Never put your trust in any man... put your trust in Allah... You are a blessing to me... write soon.
Salam,
Maryam Bachmeier PsyD
Name
Souha
- United Arab Emirates
Profession
University Student
Question
In a mixed university, I am ought to have an unintentional physical contact with the opposite gender? do I have to make ablution everytime I'm in a situation like this?
Answer
Assalam Alaykum Souha,
Please ask a scholar, I am not certain about this. I ma in a similar situation, and my colleagues know that I am a Muslima, so out of respect they don't touch me. It is common in my culture for a friendly pat on the back, or a handshake etc... yet, because they respect my religion, they are not offended. I make wadu before all my prayers. I hope this helps.
Salam,
Maryam Bachmeier PsyD
Name
Sister
-
Profession
Question
what could be going on in my son's mind. Last year in October I caught him smoking marijauna. He was totally out of it. I got him help he got cleaned and promised not to smoke again. Last week I caught him again. He is receiving help again. His excuse was Exam pressure then it was I don't know how good it is to be high. he is very highly respected in the community as the Muslim student who could do no wrong. he is 20yrs.old and studying at the local university. His dad is bipolar.
Answer
Assalamu Alaykum Sister,
Watch your son for manic episodes. Just to be on the safe side. I am not trying to scare you... just want to be prudent because you said his father is bi-polar. Males usually have their first manic episode somewhere around 17 to 25. Marajuanna can be a form of self medication. If he is getting agitated or wound up, it might be relieving him of this stress.
It could also just be a stage that he is going through. If He is not bi-polar, then he will likely grow out of it,
Is he partying? Or is he smoking all by himself. This will tell you a lot. If he is partying, smoking with a lot of people, then he is likely hanging around an antisocial groups of people and that is more serious than if he is just smoking it. If he is just smoking it, he is probably smoking it for the reasons he told you. If his grades become affected, or he becomes unable to function, then you have a problem, otherwise, I would not worry too much about it.
Please give me more information so we can explore this further.
Salam,
Maryam Bachmeier PsyD
Name
Amal
- Kuwait
Profession
student
Question
Assalamu alaikum. Jazakallahuhairan for your kind responses. May Allah's mercy be on you.
Dear Dr., you asked for more details about my panic attack. I am 19 years old, Muslima. I did my studies successfully. During my school days sometimes my palms and feet used to get a little bit cold.(mostly during exam period. Sometimes I get headache and fatigue. This did not disturb my studies. Six months ago I suddenly felt fatigue and I felt I couldn't walk. I felt difficult to breathe. After some minutes I became normal. After this incident I used to get irritated, disliked to be in the company of people and get angry at times. Since Jan. this year, I couldn't sleep properly for two weeks. I saw bad dreams a lot (snakes and haunted houses and blood). after that I felt depressed (sometimes crying for no reason, I felt lonely, hopeless, and guilty). Our family doctor prescribed me Cipralex 10mg.
After using this I felt little better and could sleep better. After using Cipralex for one month, one day I suddenly got this panic attack (as detailed in my last letter). After this attack I want to runaway from the house (THIS IS MY OUT OF CONTROL SITUATION). I hated everyone in my house, I hated noise, I was restless.
I used to speak to myself and used to see 2 snakes, and 2 foxes in the dark jungle and see weird people calling me. Once I have spoken in a strange language and have called out strange names like Ori and abu labi and sing out with these names. I used to get very thirsty and drank a lot of water at a time. At these times my palms and feet get very cold and sweat out. Someone used to tell me to run away from home and not to recite Qur'an. I get scared to recite as if someone is threatening me. I wanted to tear all the Qurans. I also wanted to kill myself. I don't let my mother play surah Baqarah in the cassette. Sometimes I used to refer to specific versus from the Qur'an and tell my parents to recite and they said they are very relevant for my condition. (as if to fight back Sheitan). For me it was a constant struggle between evil (against Allah and Prophet) and good ( love of Allah and Prophet). My behavior was such. With my parents strong recitals I come to the side of goodness. I did have a dual personality. It was just like a Sheitan pulling me from one side and my parents pulling me from the other side.
My parents took me to a famous Shaikh on the subject and he said I am possessed by a Jinn and started a series of recital sessions along with bathing (at home) with water recited on it etc. I had to recite the whole Baqarah each evening with my father supervising. I am very fast at reading and I did. At azan times I used get very restless and my parents recite on me and make me recite Ayatul Kursi etc and I become ok. My parents are very religious and are educated and quite knowledgeable. This gradually cured me day by day. We did this for a month and a half when I almost fully recovered. the Shaikh's reciting was soothing and calming.
In the meantime I was taken to a (Muslim) Psychiatrist in the beginning. He prescribed Limbitrol, 12/5 mg once a day in the night and said to take it only if I feel the need for it. He told me to take control on my affairs. But more importantly he told my parents to treat me like a 19 year old and ignore when I behave like a kid, as I did often. He also encouraged me to continue the recital, Ayat Kursi in particular. I did not take the medicine for 3 weeks.
I and my parents had lot of trust in the Shaikh, recitation as I felt better day by day without medication. After about 3 weeks all seemed OK but suddenly my tongue become heavy and I found difficulty to speak, and I used to lose my concentration become kind of clueless. At the same time my palms get cold and sweaty. Difficult to breathe. Want to run out of the house. This lasts for about 20 minutes. This happened about 3 to 4 times a day. Then my parents decided to start on Limbitrol on further consultation with another family Dr friend who is an expert on Panic Attack (Has a PhD on the subject). He was positive it is PA. This gradually improved my situation and the tongue problem vanished. Sleeping was good.
This Dr No 2 told me to continue with Limbitrol for at least one year and then wean it off if things turn to absolute normal. When I visited the Psychiatrist (after 3week of of taking Limb) he told me I am now ok and if I feel comfortable to stop the medication. But I continued with this and now it is one month. My parents suggested that I start skipping a day and then for 2 days etc and try to stop it gradually to see the effect of it, since we will be leaving from here mid May for a 3 month holiday. My parents want to study the reaction and then see the two Doctors after reducing the medication so that when we leave here I will not have any recurrence of the problem.
My question is.... are our action correct. Should I test my condition by stopping Limb now or should I continue as Dr No 2 suggested. Will this give an addictive effect if I continue or could it be inadequate taking Limb for one month and is it better to go through a full one year course for a complete and permanent recovery?
Of course all the doctors said that best solution is to keep myself fully occupied and I am trying to do that. I am planning to follow many short classes during my vacation.
I did my TSH test. Dr (Thyroid Specialist) said there is no Thyroid problem, but he says I'm a bit annimic. (some times my face become pale). When I asked about my palm getting cold he said it is anxiety. How do I get over it?
Sorry for the long write up. I hope you will help me. Salaams.
Amal
Answer
Salam Amal,
If you try to discontinue the medication, you do need to do it very slowly and with observation. If you get hallucinations (audio or visual) you need to report that to the psychiatrist immediately. You may need to be on medication throughout your life. And you will need to have that monitored, and often the type and dose will change due to the body's acclimation to it. Stay close to the psychiatrist. In addition to taking the medication, you can learn symptom management skills and coping skills to reduce the intensity of the panic attacks and to become aware of when you are experiencing a distortion of reality. This will help you funciton a lot better. You will also be more mature, because you will not have those helpless and fearful feelings when you have some tools (like symptom management and coping skills)... that sense of control/influence over yourself and your environment will prevent you from depressing and you will feel stronger as a mature individual who can make choices and decisions for yourself.
Meanwhile, develop a good mature working relationship with your psychiatrist, and ask for more education about your mental illness. Make sure to discuss the times when you had visual and audio hallucination. This will guide him in prescribing the right medications. My own bias is that you should keep taking the medications.
You are a brave and courageous sister. I am so happy that you are sharing this with me.
Keep writing and tell me your progress.
Salam,
Maryam Bachmeier Psy D
Name
sadeqa (URGENT)
- United Kingdom
Profession
Question
salam Dr., and thanks for all your help
previously I wrote about my past and my situation recently is that I'm very depressed and time to time would cry to myself because I have no one to talk to about my life and what i want iv always fear of getting married maybe that's due to past bad experience I have been through but right now I'm finishing my final year at university inshallah I'll pass I've worked really hard for it. but after my exam I'm supposed to marry this Muslim guy. I know he waited four years for me. My problem is my parents they will not like it becuase he is 17 years older than me but I'm okay with that. I've decided to do my Nikah and move away then ask forgiveness to my parents either way if I tell them I'm in trouble I think it's my choice whom I marry. I feel helpless, guilty that one day I'm going to leave my house and get married without my parents consent. Is this the biggest sin in Allah's eyes? how can I sincerely repent for this sin?
please advise me as I'm about to take the biggest decision in my life. Would I be happy afterwords?
Please help me. I'm so depressed.
Answer
Salam
I just sent in a response to this, but I want to add, that my bias it to marry this man if the scholars agree. I believe you can work out a good and positive and happy relationship with your parents. But do let me know how this goes.
Salam
Maryam
Name
S
-
Profession
Question
I just found out that My husband is addicted to pornography. He feels very bad about it and wants it to stop but doesn't know what to do. What do you advise?
Answer
Assalamu Alaykum S,
Your husband can get help. He should go to two sources. He should talk to a psychologist. There is much understanding about these things, and he can be helped. He can also talk to a Shaikh or Imam who understands the psychology of pornography.
Meanwhile, don't take his behavior personally. And don't participate or become co-dependent. Just let him know you love him and that you are praying for him. And do pray for him. His pornography addiction is separate from his love to you. But he does need help. See if he will go to a male psychologist.
