The session has just started. Please feel free to join us with your questions on today's topic.
After the session has ended, you can view the whole dialogue by clicking on "Recent Sessions", or later by going through "Archives".
For feedback and suggestions, please e-mail our Social desk at: society@iolteam.com
Yours,
Islamonline Social Desk
Name
David
- Canada
Profession
Question
Hello,
I am engaged to a wonderful woman, though her family story and its effects are incredibly complicated. I have stuck with her through a lot.
I am looking for some help in understanding her better. She is 28-year-old and has never really fully dealt with implications of her child abuse (her father beat her and was very oppressive emotionally). She lives with her parents right now, and I live in a different country. We see each other every 2 months. I need to rip her away from her home but things have become so unhealthy there it is almost impossible to do. She wants to leave, and she wants to stay.
Her mother is completely overbearing. I have never known anyone like her. She calls my fiancée ever 2 or 3 hours on her cell phone just to check in, questions like where she is?, did she eat?, where's she going?, is she safe?. Her mother's life revolves around my fiancée. Her father is jealous because of her mother's relationship with her, and in fact this mother spends most of her time with her daughter and not her husband.
My love is huge for my fiancée of course; however I cannot marry into this situation as it stands. Because my fiancée's connection to her family is so unhealthy and strong, she is refusing to leave her country. I am considering changing countries and languages etc. to be with her. It is a real possibility. In fact I already have a job lined up. However, I will not get married under these circumstances unless my fiancée commits to dealing with the problems in her family. I come from a happy family. I am sacrificing a lot to make this move, but I won't move into abuse for myself. I need some advice about how to understand my fiancée as an abuse survivor. Can you be of help?
Thanks
Answer
Dear David,
You are facing a complex situation but it seems you are very clear that you don't want to marry into a family with so many unresolved issues that operates in such a dysfunctional manner. That you are aware of your feelings and know that this is an unhealthy lifestyle, one that you don't want for yourself, is an important step. Most people are not as self-aware and consequently get pulled into such situations.
Since love does not conquer all and unresolved issues such as child abuse and current in-law issues can ruin a marriage I would suggest it is better to stand firm in not marrying under these circumstances.
I would suggest you be patient and encourage your fiancée to get some professional help to address the consequences of the child abuse and the controlling and manipulation she is facing with her mother. He mother needs some professional counseling also. It sounds like she has wrapped herself up with her daughter because of a poor marital situation. You can not require the mother to get help but you can make a prerequisite of marriage that your fiancée get professional help.
You may want to suggest this by first suggesting that you both participate in a marriage education program and premarital counseling sessions. I realize this may be difficult to do long distance but you may be able to plan to attend face to face while you are there and via skype in between.
It seems that your options are to end the relationship or encourage her to attend premarital counseling with you and get professional help for herself. A good premarital counselor will likely suggest she get the help for herself.
After serious time exploring and addressing the issues you will be able to determine if your fiancée has addressed her situation in a way that will enable you to have a healthy marriage.
Remember love does not conquer all.
Name
Confuzed
-
Profession
Question
One of my really good friends I have known for several years recently proposed to me. We talked frequently online and through regular e-mails. We are both still studying and he says he wants to wait a year before he talks to my parents because he will graduate in a year and will be in a position to face my parents with dignity.
I never looked at him that way and I feel extremely uncomfortable talking to him now. However, when I don't, I miss him. I know I don't want to marry him. What should I do? Is it wrong for me to talk to him? When I don't talk to him, he e-mails me and makes me feel like I am hurting him. I have blocked him so many times that now I feel bad blocking him.
I don't want to play with his feelings and I feel I am doing so by talking AND not talking to him. Is it forbidden in Islam to talk to a guy? Should I stop talking to him? If yes, what should I tell him? What should I do? Sometimes I don't feel like losing him? Is it shaitaan?
Answer
Dear Confuzed,
As-Salamu `alaykum
It is clear you are experiencing confusion about this situation. Talking to the opposite gender casually is generally discouraged but is permitted when you are engaged in business, education, community service. The danger according to many scholars is that one or both parties will begin to feel a liking that is more than friendship which may lead to impermissible behavior if you are not talking with the purpose of marriage in mind. Of course some cultures separate and apart from Islam forbid mixed gender conversation.
Many also discourage marrying someone who has been your friend. I believe friendship is a key ingredient to a healthy marriage. You certainly don’t want to marry someone you dislike. The issue in your situation it seems is that you did not plan to be more than friends with this young man but now he is interested in you for marriage. It sounds like you really liked him as a friend. You value your friendship and you miss your friend when you are not able to talk with him. He however sees you as someone he wants to marry.
Honesty is the best policy.
I would suggest you tell him that you are experiencing the dilemma you describe. Let him know that you have enjoyed his friendship but now that he wants to marry you will need some time to consider this. You will want to tell him that you and he need some time away from talking so that you can consider the situation, consider his request to marry and determine if this is what you really want.
I would encourage you to seek Allah’s guidance through prayer. I would encourage you to talk with your parents and/or a trusted wise advisor. You will need to spend some time with yourself getting to know who you are and what you want in your life and whether or not this young man is compatible and suitable as a spouse. He may have been a good friend but will he make a good husband? You need to consider whether or not you are ready to marry and what characteristics you want in your future spouse.
So take a deep breath. Make salah (prayers). Make dua'a (supplication) and ask Allah for guidance. Spend some time in reflection and pondering. Talk with your parents and/or a wise and trusted advisor. Then Insha`Allah (Allah willing) you will be able to give him an honest answer.
Be true and honest with yourself and with him. A healthy marriage is not made in deception or in confusion.
Name
Sadaf
- United States
Profession
dental assistant
Question
Assalam-o-alaikum,
Please kindly advice us regarding this matter.
I want to give you some background to help understand our situation better. My husband and I sometimes take anti-depressant due to stress but try not to take regularly so we get dependent on it. We also get very little sleep everyday, 24 hrs/7 days a week, and weekend is even more hard work then our jobs during the week.
We have some financial hardship due to current economical situation and it is really stressful to pay mortgage and bills and we do fell behind on payments and due to that our credit is also not very good. My husband is in Information Technology (IT) field and there are a lot of concerns with job market outsource and relocation, he was also trying to see if we can relocate to Dallas, Texas if we can get a transfer from his current job so we can have some relieve and save some money. We can’t go on vacation and take our kids on vacation. We were trying to build our home so we can have peace of mind but the expenses were really hard to maintain.
Four years ago, my husband had a 15% reduction in his salary and that is where we had some hardship, before than we were living better. Due to pay reduction I was trying to find work and currently I am working as a dental assistant. I am a Dentist and I got my degree in Pakistan, therefore I can’t practice here and I need to study 3 to 4 years schooling to become a dentist in the US and the schooling would also require tuition expenses. Because of tuition expenses and my children I was not able to study as fulltime student as it was a requirement of medical institution. I am 11 years behind in my career and instead of being a dentist I am working as an assistant.
I feel depressed, sometimes angered and outraged because of this situation and when my husband mention to me that we are losing time it hurts me as I gave my 11 years of my live to raise my children and that is one of the main reason we get arguments. We are both responsible adult and try to give our best to our kids and make sure that they get the best education and that is why we bought a house in a best school district in Long Island, NY, and keep trying to pay the expenses and live there.
When we look at 10 years ahead from now when our kids are ready Inshaa'Allah for college and then marriage, may Allah be their protector always and give them longer lives and better lives, and our retirement we get depressed and mostly ended up in bitter arguments.
My husband and I both love each other and our kids very much, but the situation sometimes overwhelms us. Between me and my husband we had a fight on some matter regarding household work. It started on Saturday and continued late that night into Sunday morning around until 4:00 AM. On many occasions that Saturday I demanded him to leave me (I asked him few times to end this marriage as I was too stressed but he never did and when he felt pushed he replied to me that, and I quote “if this is what you think is better than I gave you the authority to say it on my behalf” end quote, I never said anything and we went to different rooms) at this point we, as I was tired of work and stressed and little depressed as I had not had a chance to meet my parents and sister for over 5 years, during this time my father had a minor stroke and I was not able to visit him, my mom was sick for a while and was not able to go because of kids and finances, my mom is sick again currently with some other symptoms of backbone and she is not able to work or stand up sometimes, and I can’t go visit her now, I am trying to visit them late September Inshaa'Allah. My parents have only two daughters and I, the older daughter live in NY, and my sister the younger daughter lived in Bahrain, and now in Saudi Arabia, due to job contract termination in Bahrain.
Due to this fight we didn't sleep well, next day it started again and became more tense, he was stressed because of this and his office work as he was delayed on his project because of the fight, as he had planed to work on his project to finish over the weekend. My husband gets very angry sometimes and he taunts me. We both get very angry but alhamdulilah, for a million times, that we don’t get physical at all. I and he are not violent. And we scream angrily at each other and taunt and blame each other. I get migraine because of that. He is a hypertension patient and he is on medication to maintain his blood pressure and cholesterol. We both feel embraced after we settle down after a day or too.
On Sunday I was depressed as none of my family member is here to listen me and help me but all his relatives are here, his mom lives with us. He also was very angry that his mom would get her blood pressure up due to this fight and stress as no one was able to sleep over the weekend because of fight. His father passed away recently and suddenly on 6/3/09 in the hospital he was not very sick and he thinks doctor treated him with negligence, but his family didn’t put any case because they wanted to avoid postmortem, he misses him a lot and visits his grave every weekend.
His family members told my parents about the fight and told them to stop me from fighting as they were all blaming me for that, my husband also blamed me for the fight, but Monday he admitted that he was wrong.
Both my parents are hypertension patients and old and live alone, so I was mad that they will get sick because of this situation. I demanded that I will go to Pakistan and asked him many times and demanded many times to leave me as I wanted to end the whole thing as I was very angry and I believe that I was not at fault. My husband started to taunt me and I got very upset, I was trying to commit suicide, I tried to eat and emptied the bottle but there were only 3 to 4 tablets of zanex were in the bottle, he was scared and got nervous and came to me shouted at me and said spit it out, he tried to call the ambulance I thought he was calling the police, as he was taunting me before this that I am a mad women and that he will call police and put me in jail. I told him not to call the police and put the phone down I than put the knife in front of me and putting on my belly and I told him, give me divorce, he said no I won't. I had that kind of attack of depression 4 years ago, and I did hit my head and bleed and was hospitalized for that, I was put under psychiatric custody, which he convinced the hospital that I am a good wife and Mom and took me home. So my husband already saw that thing in the past, he got scared of seeing me like this or he didn't want me to kill myself and he was very much angry at that time too. He then got nervous and scared and told me to calm down, in an hour or so I calmed down and then he came to me nicely and said relax, we were fine at that point and than I brought my daughters upstairs to sleep, at this point my middle daughter cried and wanted to go downstairs and sleep with grandma, as they went downstairs because of our fight. I said to them that now I am losing my daughters and they don’t love me anymore, the fight started again, it was around 2:00 AM on Monday morning and my husband was furious that he was not able to finish what he was working on and that he would not be able to concentrate on Monday at work due to poor sleep and stress, so he told me I am going to stay awake as long as he is working so I too would have a poor sleep on Monday, he was furious and mad due to this starting of fight again and I got mad again and said I will sleep now, he said no, than I took the knife again (12 inch blade), he was mad and nervous and reached for the phone I told him to put the phone down as I thought he was calling police, and I said I would hurt myself really bad, he said he would call my parents may be they can make sense to me, I told him don’t stress my parents, he got mad at me and was also scared that I would hurt myself, so in that anger, stress sacredness, he said what is the hell that I want?
I said leave me, I was also very mad at that point and didn’t realize what is good and bad, he was also not able to realize what is good or bad as we were both exhausted and angry, as we didn’t eat much as well, so he said I give you talaq (divorce) three times in one breath.
After that I was shocked and he was too. He said he didn’t want me to die or hurt myself, so he was under pressure and he was also mad at me as at that time my mother-in-law and my daughter who is 9-year-old were also present. My daughters were crying as hell at that time and pretty much the whole weekend because of these situations and his family here and my family in Pakistan were also stressed due to this fight going on.
He said that he was mad that my daughter seeing me with knife in my hand while I trying to hurt myself and that he was scared that if I do make a mistake that my daughters would be in shock for the rest of her life.
Now will you please guide us that whether this is a valid talaq (divorce) or invalid. I want to mention one hadith here, La talaqa fil Ighlaq. It is sunnun Ibn Maajah, Hazrat Ayesha razi allah taala anha's narrated.
Means divorce doesn't happen in anger or when pressured. My husband claims that he was in a state of shock, scare and anger at that point due to this long situation and all the stress.
We are in very much tense situation because of this; we love each other and our kids too. We never can imagine doing that. My kids are young 9, 8 and 4 years old. We are tense due to our financial situation too, we both work full time, and over the weekend I got exhausted and overwhelmed after doing whole household work, and that is where I loose my self. We are both very sorry of this situation and in tears. We both are in shock and ask God to help us. My husband and I both feel that may God give us death but not this.
Please kindly give us answer/suggestion, according to Islam and according to that hadith mubarak, is our marriage still valid or not? We live in NY, if any of your mufti sahib is available, we can meat him.
Jazakum Allahu khairan,
Wassalam
Answer
Editor:
We would like to apologize for not answering your question as this live dialogue is not dedicated to these types of questions. Please re-submit your question on the following page:
I've been engaged to my fiancée for over a year now and would be marrying very soon insha'Allah. Due to some unavoidable circumstances I'd to start talking to my fiancée over the phone, though it's not permitted in Islam.
My dilemma is how to deal with a person who is not so matured in thoughts and kind of frivolous and completely adolescent? How can I guide her to understand the nuisances of a future life together? Please shed some light on this issue.
Answer
Dear Noname,
As-Salamu `alaykum,
It sounds like your fiancé is not ready for marriage and at least not ready to marry you. It seems you want someone who takes marriage seriously and is more mature. You want someone who understands the lifelong commitment you both are about to embark upon. Generally one indication of marital readiness is maturity and a desire to work together for common goals. In any case both of you need to be compatible in temperament, goals, and dreams for your future family.
The bottom line is that this is something she needs to learn for herself. You can’t change her. Only she herself and time can help her to grow and develop. Both of you need education about marriage before you get married. I would suggest both of you spend time participating in a premarital education program learning about marriage according to Islam and the Sunnah of Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him). He had a very young wife, `Aisha ( may Allah be pleased with her). The marriage between them may serve as a good example for how you may be able to develop your relationship with a young wife in the event you do go forth with your marriage to this young woman. Also it is important to learn skills like communication, problem solving, relationship building that will be necessary in marriage.
I suggest you the two of you seek the guidance of a wise advisor to help you learn from the example of Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) and get to know each other and help determine if you both are really ready for marriage.
Name
sis
-
Profession
Question
Salam,
How to explore your future partner during engagement? And how far you have to be honest about your past?
Answer
Dear sis,
As-Salamu `alaykum,
This is a big question that I may not be able to cover fully in this session however I will share some points with you. Firstly, honesty is the best policy. It is important that you do not begin your marriage with dishonesty or distrust. Aspects of each person’s past impact them now and in the future. If something from past has impacted you then at some point before you get married it will be important to share it with your future spouse so that he will be able to make a fully informed decision about marriage and if he still decides to marry you he will know that this is something he may need to be mindful of, and sensitive about in your relationship. If he can’t handle the issue then perhaps he is not the best person for you.
Regarding how to explore for engagement you will want to first get to know yourself. Who are you and what do you want in your future spouse and your future marriage are important questions to ponder.
You will want to develop an advisory committee consisting of your wise advisors to help you determine if you are suitable and compatible for each other. These advisors may include your parents, close friends, elders. Islam allows you to ask as many questions as you need to in order to determine if the person you are seeking for marriage is best for you and you for him. Your close advisors can help you with this process. They also help to explore his background to see if he is an honest, kind person, with a compatible religious background, good character and good manners.
The courtship process is also another way to get to know someone for marriage. It involves spending time together in a halaal (permissible) setting with proper chaperone nearby. Family dinners, and group trips may be some way to do this. Also participating together in a marriage advisement /education program with a wise advisor before marriage will also be important in the process of getting to know if the person you are interested in is suitable for marriage.
Name
sis
-
Profession
Question
Salam,
Before and during engagement, the fiancé and his family tend to be very nice and caring but once marriage happens this excitement and joy vanish. Why is that?
It's a phrase used in my language 'as soon as engagement happen enmity starts'. It's often happen because the condition that the girl set on the boy's is not fulfilled, and this cause lots of problems in the future when they get married. I think it's one to accept the conditions and then refuse to fulfill.
Sometimes they do like this because they fear the proposal will be rejected, but other times although they are sound financially unfortunately they just become ignorant and selfish.
Answer
Dear Sis,
As-Salamu `alaykum,
The period of engagement and courtship is like a job interview. During this process everyone is putting on their best behavior. Also hormones are causing us to desire one another and to do anything so as not to jeopardize the relationship. This however can only last so long. If you do not give the courtship enough time, that is, if you rush into the marriage and do not take enough time to really get to know each other, to see him in various circumstances and with different people you will not have a chance to get to know what kind of person he really is.
Enmity starts when the two people have not built the marriage on love of Allah and a commitment to fulfilling Allah’s commandments. Enmity starts when the two have not developed a relationship that includes the love, mercy, compassion that Allah has ordained for us in marriage. Enmity starts when people have not been honest and really taken the time to get to know one another based on Islamic criteria.
May Allah bless you to make a good choice, to spend good time really getting to know your future spouse and bless you with sakinah (tranquility) in your marriage. Ameen.
Name
Melissa
- United Kingdom
Profession
Question
Salamu alaykum,
On behalf of my friend who is a Muslim lady. She is physically, emotionally and verbally abused by her so called religious husband. She works and she is a bit late, her husband asks her if she was prostituting herself or doing zina (fornication). She is the most God-fearing person you can meet.
While she is at work her husband chats on computer searching for a second wife and the lady whom he is talking to is giving him advise as how to go about with divorcing her.
In your religion, can a man expose his wife to the point of degrading her dignity and pride as a woman? He lives off her, no education whatsoever, she thought she married to increase her faith but my observation is that she has gotten weaker. He portrays himself like an angel in front of people and treats his wife badly. He has no characteristics of a man or a human being let alone a Muslim man. My friend always talk to me about Islam but these kinds of men's attitude and behavior towards their wives makes me want to run away. She thinks divorce is what God dislikes the most etc... but she is being treated like a dog or worse. What would you advice her to do?
Answer
Wa `alaykum as-salam Dear Melissa,
You are apparently a good friend and wise to be concerned. Do not base Islam on people. Rather base Islam on the teaching of the Qur’an and the example of the Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him). He was the best example of Islam.
He never mistreated his wives. He never hit his wives or his children. He told his community that the best among them are those who are best to their wives. He feared and loved Allah. He was patient and kind. He consulted his wives opinions. He was sensitive to their feelings. He was playful with them.
Allah tells in Qur’an that marriage is based on love, mercy, and compassion and should be filled with sakinah (tranquility). We should be protective garments for one another.
Divorce is allowed in Islam especially if someone is being oppressive. He is not fulfilling his responsibility as a husband based on what you are saying. She would be justified in seeking a divorce from someone who is not helping her to grow her faith and do the things she needs to get to heaven. She can do a khula' (divorce by woman) or she may not need to because he is so oppressive. In any case if he is not willing to seek help to change, it is better that she not remain in this situation.
Continue to support your friend. Help her to find wise advisors in her faith to help her get out of this situation unless her husband is willing to be the kind of husband the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) exemplified.
Name
Muslim
- India
Profession
Question
Muslim- India
Assalamu alaikum... I am engaged to a girl, and I know Islam does not permit me from meeting her outside before marriage. But, am I permitted to talk to her over the phone or text message her, at the least, and is this allowed in Islam?
Answer
Editor:
We would like to apologize for not answering your question as this live dialogue is not dedicated to these types of questions. Please re-submit your question on the following page:
I am 30-year-old woman, who wears hijab and perform prayers alhamdulilah. One of my co-workers proposed to me and I think he is a good man, but I don't know enough about him. I am 4 years elder than him and this makes me so embarrassed, but he said he doesn't care about this. Moreover, he was raised in Switzerland and lived most of his life there, and I am so afraid that he may had committed zina (adultry) with his girl friends there when he was a teenager. I know that Islamically the adulterer should marry an adulterer like him not a virgin woman like me who fears Allah so much. I know that he loves me and I saw him while performing prayers many times, but I don't know if he is a pious person or not. I feel attached to him, and I don't want to be unfair with him if I refused his proposal, but I don't know how to explore his personality well first, and know more about his past. Please help!
Answer
Dear Sohila,
As-Salamu `alaykum,
Your question is a very good question. I am receiving this question from many people. How do I really get to know the person I am exploring for marriage? How do I determine if he or she is right for me, that is suitable and compatible to me? How do I get to know his personality and more about his past?
First of all, getting to know someone for marriage takes time. It is not something that happens in a few weeks or months unless you grew up with this person and saw him with his family. You want to take some time to ponder and get to know what is important to you and who you are. It is important to know what you want in your marriage and your future husband. Take time to sit down and think about what you want and do not want in the character and behavior of your husband. What traits are you looking for? What do you believe you absolutely will not be able to live with?
If you can not live with someone who was romantically involved in the past but has since repented and changed his behavior then you will want to end the relationship. You will want to know if even though he engaged in un-Islamic behavior as a teenager has he repented and is now abiding by Allah’s commandments. If he is still spending time with women or recently had a girlfriend he may not be compatible or suitable for you. Do not expect him to change after to marriage. Do not go into the marriage thinking you will change him.
Secondly, with the help of your family, close, wise and trusted friends and elders begin to get to know him. This is not something you can do on your own. You will need the help of trusted advisors. This requires multiple approaches including talking with him, asking him questions, discussing key subjects as well as observing his behavior in various settings. It also includes talking to people who know him now and knew him in the past including coworkers, friends, family, teachers, employers. You are trying to fit all of the pieces of a puzzle together to see if you and he are a good fit for one another and if you are both suitable for one another and compatible with each other.
You will want to listen well to the answers he gives to your questions. You will want to listen well to his perspective on various discussions. You will want to see him in various settings for example with your family, with his family, with strangers, with friends, with religious leaders. You will want to know how he behaves in a setting with men only and in a setting with men and women.
You will want to know about his relationship with Allah and the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him. You will want to know what angers him and how he handles anger. You will want to know if he has a sense of humor and if pays his bills on time. Is he a miser or a spendthrift? You will want to know if he has a soft heart or a hard heart.
Thirdly, you and he will want to meet with a premarital advisor, a trained individual, who can help to assess whether the two of you are ready for marriage and whether are not you are both compatible for marriage.
Of course remember to pray to Allah for guidance and for Him to bless you with the husband who is best for you in this life and who will help you achieve the best of the next life.
Name
Nancy
- Egypt
Profession
Question
Assalamu alaykum Dr. Aneesah,
Thank you so much for giving us the chance to seek your advice to understand more about the engagement period.
I believe that this is the time when I can understand about 30-60 percent of my fiancée's personality but I am so confused about how to do it?
I got engaged two months ago to a good man who proposed to me through some friends. He is 34-year-old and I am 32-year-old. He is comes to visit me once or twice a week. We talk, in presence of my parents or siblings, about general issues such as the current economic crisis, but we never discussed anything about our coming life together. I don't have any chance to talk to him alone because this is not permitted Islamically and I can't go out with him or even talking over the phone.
We are supposed to get married after 6 months and I don't want to marry someone I don't know enough about him. I heard many bad stories on failed marriages and I don't want to get through such a tough experience. Please advice on how to understand him? And how to get closer to my future husband to know if I have any feelings towards him or not?
Answer
Dear Nancy,
As-Salamu `alaykum
Getting to really know your fiancée is so very important and takes time. This is not something that happens in a couple of weeks or months. I wonder how long you have known him and when you met. If you saw him grow up or saw him in the family business you have taken many steps to get to know him but if you do not know anything about him you have a lot of work to do in the next few months.
Some of the restrictions many engaged couples face regarding interaction before marriage are related to culture rather than Islam. Cultural norms are very important however it is important to know the difference between what Islam says and what our cultures say.
Islam cautions a man and a woman from being completely alone by themselves because when this happens the two risk falling to inappropriate and prohibited sexual conduct. We must guard against this as this is a commandment from Allah.
That does not mean you can not be in a room with the door open while your family is in other parts of the house periodically walking past as a reminder and a protection to you and your fiancée. That does not mean you can not take a trip, even a day trip, with him and your family or him and his family. That does not mean you can not go out for dinner with him and another couple. You could go for a walk in the park and have your siblings or parents walk with you a few feet behind or in front so you can have a conversation about what you both expect your lives will be together.
You do need to have a conversation about your goals and dreams for the future. You do need to find out his perspective on various subjects. You do need to observe his behavior and his manners. You need see what angers him and how he handles anger. You need to know how he communicates about things in addition to politics and social issues. You need to observe his manners and whether he has kind treatment of women and children. You need to know his perspective on family finances. It is important to ask as many questions as you need to ask to feel comfortable with him and to observe him in various settings.
Sit with a trusted wise advisor who can help you explore how compatible both of you are to each other and how compatible your background, personalities, temperament and your expectations for marriage are. Ask other close trusted wise friends or male relatives to observe your fiancée in settings with just men or in mixed settings to see how he behaves.
Be sure you have written down and clearly outlined what you want and absolutely do not want in your marriage and in your husband so that you can compare what you hear and observe from him to what it is you want in your marriage.
Of course pray that Allah guides you to what is best for you and keep away from you that which is not good for you in this life or in the hereafter.
Name
Editor-
-
Profession
Question
.
Answer
At the end, we would like to thank Dr. Aneesah Nadir for her presence with IslamOnline readers today. And we appologize for not being able to answer all questions for time constraints.
