Dear Sir:
I have several questions regarding marriage.
1)Does Islam allow a married man to take a second wife without the knowledge of his first wife and/or everyone else knowing? Basically, can he keep it a secret?
2)If that is allowed, then can the second wife voluntarily waive her rights since she can and is willing to support herself comfortably? i.e. mehar, financial support, time together with husband, can she waive those rights willingly?
3)If a secret marriage is not allowed then the man decides to tell his first wife about his intention of a second marriage. The first wife then asks him about the details of his relationship with the second-wife-to be, can he then (to spare his wife's feelings) lie about the sexual pre-marital relationship with the second wife to be? Is it okay to Not disclose the pre-martial sexual relationship that he had with the second wife-to-be to avoid long term pain for the first wife?
We desperately need answers to these questions. Plus, someone learned and knowledgable so we could ask further questions regarding this pressing issue. We desperately need help.
Answer
1. Yes, but only if it is absolutely unavoidable e.g. to avoid keeping a secret mistress. But in most cases, marriage should be openly celebrated when possible, so the whole community knows about the marriage and parentage of the children. Deceipt is despised in Islam, specially if it is hurting someone e.g. the first wife.
2. Yes, if she has been properly advised and is aware of all angles under the law.
3. We are all unanswerable to Allah - it is up to each person to think carefully if Allah would forgive a lie e.g. to avoid hurting someone.
You can visit Aina Khan's Website:
http://www.ainakhan.com
Name
Maria
- Malaysia
Profession
Banker
Question
Salaam Sister,
Through your experience, do you see a difference between the behaviour of Muslim and non-Muslim families when it comes to marriage and divorce? What about divorce trends? Is there any statistical discrepancy between Muslim couples getting divorced and non-Muslim couples doing the same?
Answer
Sadly, all communitites worldwide are breaking down, and divorce is now rife amongst Muslims. With time, i see 'Muslims' 9who have forgotten their faith) behaving as badly as other groups! The difference is that as a Muslim lawyer, I try and reconcile people where possible. Where there is no alternative, I work out a solution according to Shariah law, which will ensure both parties behave with kindness and dignity to each other.
Name
Sas
-
Profession
Student
Question
I'm a 20 year old girl, have been raised in an Arab country, my father is Arabic and my mother is English. Me and my family moved to England when i was 18 years old but after I started uni here in England, my family went back to our home country, and I lived in England on my own.
I got married and my father came back after 2 years and told me i must divorce, as he didn't like the boy I was married to. He gave me a choice between my husband or the family and after much drama, I did manage to get a divorce and now I live at home with my father.
Everyday is hard - he doesn't talk to me, when I tell him I'm going out with friends he'll ignore me or say 'do as you wish'. If he sees me even talking to a guy at uni he will give me a hard time when i get back home and tells me that I'm not leading an appropraite lifestyle. He isn't religious but expects me to hold islamic values, I don't drink or eat pork, but I know Islam is more than that.
I have considered leaving the house but he has told me on many occasions if I do so, he will go back to our home country & spread shameful rumours about me. I'm remaining patient but it's difficult. I'd just like advice on how to deal with the situation. Thankyou very much.
Answer
I am so sorry to hear what you are enduring. Please make sure your studies do not get affected by the worry - we need more highly educated Muslim women!
As long as your husband was (or became)a Muslim, before marriage, your father has no right to interfere in your decisions. Every girl after the age of puberty can decide who she will marry, and Islam has given her the right to say no to her father's choices. Your father is trying to protect you, but he has to realise that he cannot watch an adult daughter all the time, and she has to answer directly to Allah for her actions. As long as you do your best to behave modestly and enhance the name of Islam while at university, your father cannot criticise you. If the situation at home is too painful to tolerate, and you have to move out e.g. to a ladies' hostel, it is your right to do so, and as a strong Mulsim woman, you must insist on the rights islam has given you. InshaAllah in time he will be proud of you and what you have achieved.
You can visit Aina Khan's Website:
http://www.ainakhan.com
Name
Susan
-
Profession
Stevenson
Question
I am so glad you are online, because I desperately need help.
My husband has 2 children from a previous marriage, aged 8 and 6 years. He has a court order allowing him to see his children every other weekend and half of all the school holidays.
He wants to take his children to Yemen next year to see their gradparents, aunts, uncles etc, but the ex-wife will not allow him too. The children have not seen their grandparents since they were babies at a time when my husband his ex-wife were still together. My husbands father is sick, and wants to see his grandchildren before he dies. Does my husband stand a chance in the high courts?
Also, if my husband wants to go back to the court to apply for custody again, does he have to have to have the grounds to do this? What are his chances of sucess?
The third question I would like to ask is that if the court does allow him to take the children to yemen, what if she doesnt allow him to take them, claiming they are sick. We will have already paid for the tickets by that time, so we are scared that she will let us down at the last minute.
Answer
In English law, the father can apply to the Courts to allow the children to go abroad with him for a set time (a 'specific issue order' under The Children Act). However, the mother will probably plead the threat of abduction, to ensure this request is blocked. As abduction is a very real threat, the court will take it seriously. Perhaps the father can give some surety e.g. deposit a large sum in the bank and consent to this bank account being frozen while he is away, to ensure he does return the children. His property can also be frozen. If she changes her mind at the last minute and defies the court order allowing the children to go abroad, she will need to provide compelling medical evidence to prove they are ill. The best course is to persuade her that it is the children's right to have contact with their paternal family and that they will benefit from the love given by grandparents and their experience of Yemeni family life. make sure you promise that the children will phone home daily and even offer to pay for her ticket to come out there whenever she wants to see they are alright - she could stay in a local hotel. if you offer all this, her fears may ease. if she does not accept willingly, please do not resent it, as the fear of abduction is highly in the media all the time and she will have been warned by everyone not to trust the father! try not to let this stand in the way of future pleasant dealings with her. as a last resort, can the grandparents come to the UK to meet the children before it is too late?
Secondly, the father can apply for Residence (formerly known as Custody) he has to have very strong grounds to overturn any previous order i.e. a change in circumstances like the children being prepared to tell the court they want to live with him. The court is unlikely to make the order unless it can be proved the mother is totally unfit or the children refuse to go back to her. Try not to battle this out in court unless absolutely unavoidable, as it hurts the children the most.
You can visit Aina Khan's Website:
http://www.ainakhan.com
Name
Muslimah
-
Profession
Question
what are the responsibilities of father regarding the educating of his daughter.
Answer
Islam insists on education for all, 'even if you have to go as far as China' (hadith) which in the days of Rasul Allah (PBUH) was like going to outer space! therefore it is incumbent on every parent to ensure their child is educated to their full potential - not only Islamic education, but as many other aspects as well. For Muslim girls this is specially essential, so they can become educated and knowledgable mothers to the future Mulsims, and provide inspiring role models.
You can visit Aina Khan's Website:
http://www.ainakhan.com
Name
Soraya
-
Profession
Question
Can you please state father's rights and conditions for casting out his daughter. And what if the reasons for the castout are not sins (as they live in a muslim country), but rather differences in opinions..
Answer
A father must support his daughter until she is of marriageable age. After that, it is better for the dignity of the family if he continues to keep her at home until marriage, if that is what she also wants. Mere differences of opinion should be overcome, and he should welcome his daughter back for the greater good of preserving his daughter's and family's honour and good name.
You can visit Aina Khan's Website:
http://www.ainakhan.com
Name
Susan
-
Profession
Stevenson
Question
Hi,
I would also like to ask another question if I may. The mother of the children was due to hand over both children to my husband during the october week the children were on holiday from school. 2 hours before we were due to pick them up, she said that the boy has just come out with chickenpox, and will not be available for contact. My husband was due to go to Yemen that week, and she was trying to make things difficult for him by keeping the son with her. As the chickenpox had just come out, there is no reason why we could not have treated him in our house. But beause this woman is so unreasonable, she wouldnt allow us to take him. My husbands solicitor tends to take the mothers side in everything and is so unhelpful. My husband decided to get another solicitor. Can the new solictor write a letter to her solicitors to warn her that if this happens again, she would be in breach of the court order and further action will be taken??? Will it cost my husband alot of money in order to do this?? Can he also use this in court to say that she is breaching the court order and he wants to apply for custody as a result.
Answer
The father can get a 'Penal Order' if the Contact Order is continually breached, thereatening the mother with prison. She should produce medical evidence when asked by the father, if she is genuine. This will of course make feelings run very high, so it is always better to attend mediation with the other party first if possible.
If the child is ill, in most cases s/he does long for their mother rather than the father and it is not unreasonable to rearrange contact that week, so the father sees more of the child when s/he is better.
Certainly, residence is not usually changed just because Contact is not working out - what guarantee is there that all arrangements will be smooth when the children are living with the fatehr?? the key is to act like adults and put yourself in the other parent's shoes - if BOTH can do this, they would not fall out all the tiime. Plus the stepmother or stepfather should be advised to stay out of this very personal matter if possible, because anything said by them inflames the situation unnecessarily - and no-one needs this kind of stress! All of you must think of the children FIRST and LAST.....
I wish you all the best for a happy resolution to this difficult situaltion, InshaAllah.
You can visit Aina Khan's Website:
http://www.ainakhan.com
Name
abyr
-
Profession
Question
what is in your opinion some simple and practical solutions that an everyday average father or mother may do to help increase their knowledge in their responsibilities as a parents under islamic laws. For i do believe that part of th eproblem in the muslim community is that parents do not know their roles toward their children and each other according to islamic teachings.
Answer
It is the duty of all Muslim parents to learn their rights AND RESPONSIBILITIES as parents, BEFORE they have children. it is probably the most awesome responsibility Allah gives us, to raise a decent and upright human being. How can we answer to Allah if we let our children down?
Incidentally, this website's 'parenting counsellor' is excellent as a way of learning of the duties of parents and children.....
You can visit Aina Khan's Website:
http://www.ainakhan.com
Name
Nafisa
-
Profession
Question
if my father doesnt want/ he want but they dont undertsnd much when he talks to them so he doesnt bother to do it again.. and they are growing realy fast.. so i was wodering what i should do...
Answer
Please resend your question, because it does not make sense.
Name
Susan
-
Profession
Stevenson
Question
In response to your messages, I totally agree with you - The children should be put first in any case.
But when you are dealing with a woman who is completely unreasonable and is turning the children against their father in every way, then it makes life even more difficult for the father. I have gotton to know this woman for myself, and I know for a fact that she completely unreasonable. She will try whenever possible to hurt my husband, and make the children see less of him. I know what you are saying about communicating with her and putting the children first - all of this sounds great, but when you are dealing with a mother who is completely heartless and causing her own children so much pain, then what do we do? We have tried communicating with her, we have tried mediation, but nothing works. Her own husband has to keep apologising to us for his wife's behaviour and the daugher doesnt want to live with her mother any more. This is what we currently face and always will.
What are our chance of taking the children to Yemen. I must stress that she will do everything in her power to prevent him from taking the children. She will not come to Yemen or stay in a hotel, I know this for a fact. I am also going to Yemen with my husband, would that make any difference? He does have ties to this country ie job, morgage etc, but he doesnt have a large amount of money to put aside.
Answer
I am sorry that you are facing such 'intractable hostility' - the phrase family lawyers use to describe a parent who is unreasonably and without good foundation, blocking the other parent's rights. If you have tried mediation, then the only avenue left is to go to court.
the father's best chance of success is if he builds up strong emotional ties with the children. If he already has these, then he should apply to court saying the daughter does not want to live with her mother any more.
as to going abroad, the father has to persuade the court that he has strong links to this country, as you describe, and cannot afford to throw it all in. the fact that you are going also, will not help much, as it probably aggravates her! the main thing that will go in your favour is if the father has not made any threats to abduct or take the children away from the mother. If he has done this, the court will take this as strong grounds for refusing him permission to take the children abroad.
i am afraid we have reached the limit allotted to each questioner. i wish you all the best.....
You can visit Aina Khan's Website:
http://www.ainakhan.com
Name
hanna
-
Profession
Question
salam. What can a woman who has a british citizenship do if her husband (also British) decides to take thier children to their homeland without her consent to have them raised there?
Answer
She can get a court order to have them brought back. However if the country is not a signatory to the Hague Convention (and most Muslim countries are not), the children cannot be brought back easily. In these cases, we usually freeze the husband's property and bank accounts in the Uk, so that he is forced to bring the children back. It is a highly complex and emotive area, and few lawyers specialise in the area.
The best thing to do is to prevent the removal in the first place:-
Keep the passports hidden;
watch out for signs the husband is dissatisfied with life in the UK;
take the husband's concerns seriously and try and ensure the children are having an Islamic upbringing in the UK, so he does not feel this is only possible 'back home'.
etc. etc.
You can visit Aina Khan's Website:
http://www.ainakhan.com
