[Islam-Online- Society]

We love and care about the safety of our children. However, can this love and fear for their safety be transferred into following them wherever they go? Should this fear go to the extent of spying on them or listening to their conservations? Should we pick on their behavior as adolescents? Do we have the right to interrupt their ideas, plans and their enjoyment of doing activities that they like to do? This is what we should fear before our children pay a heavy price for our actions.

Understanding and Communication With our Children
Let us start with a visit to Professor Mahmoud Hamoda, psychologist at Al-Azhar University. He described a case of a high school student brought by his mother to the school clinic. The clinic found out that the mother had implanted a sense of dependence on her by doing everything for him. She exhausted all avenues of effort to help her only child. She even hired private tutors in order to guarantee his success. However, the boy is suffering from a drug addiction. When he reached adolescence, peer pressure took control of his behavior, which led him to do this.

Prof. Hamoda added that at this age, children withdraw their love from their parents and devote it to themselves and peer groups. Within this process of withdrawing love from their parents, he/she focuses on their parent's mistakes and starts to exaggerate them. The conflict between himself and his family grows along with the exaggeration of the mistakes of adults. At the same time, he establishes a close bond with a peer group until he is accepted. The parents become angry and outraged with their children's behavior. This anger only enhances the control of the peer group with their children, while the solution is communication and understanding. Parents should be very cautious at this stage of their children's lives. They should avoid rules and laws, which only lead to stubbornness on the side of their children. Prof. Hamoda found out that many children destroy themselves with drugs as a punishment to their parents.

One of our shortcomings as a society is that our teenagers ask for unlimited freedom. This is similar to the behavior of children in Western societies. Meanwhile, our children remain dependent on the family financially. What they want is to enjoy more freedom and rights while being totally dependent on their families financially. The only things that are achieved stem from the shortcomings of both cultures.

I asked Professor Hamoda how extreme love and protection would be converted into hatred? His answer was that extreme protection of the children in early ages prevents them from developing their choices and discovering their abilities. Before they choose, we find out that the mother chooses for them. Before they live the experience of a situation, we find the mother intervenes to end the situation in their favor. Usually, these types of children are very passive. They neither have a goal, nor do they want one. In fact, goal determination is their mother's affair. Their role is to either surrender to their mother's will or resist her intervention. Their resistance takes a form of being slow in doing their chores after coming home from school, such as taking off school clothes and eating their food slowly without giving any importance to time. When these types of children grow up to the age of adolescence, we find out that their independent experience in childhood is lacking. Their mother would find out when it is almost too late that they are raw material and vulnerable. They are most likely going to be a victim of others. Thus, she continues her extreme fear for her child by intervening in decision-making and watching them all the time. She does this because she knows that it is easy for the child to be controlled, so she developed this type of dependence in them. Thus, they are in need of someone to guide him.

Communication
Dr. Kariman Bedair believes that the safest path into and out of adolescence is love. Through giving children attention, they can achieve this feeling of love. Listening to them, taking care of their needs, watching them, and watching after them leads to enhance this sense of security. This contributes to decreasing their mistakes. Role models at this stage also play an important part in their lives. Children follow these models unintentionally. This saves the parents the need for persuading them, and directing them toward some types of behavior. One of the most important methods in the control of kids behavior is fulfilling their emotional needs and moderation. We should show love to our child, but we should also show moderation in how we do this. Parent's involvement in the lives of their children continuously is one of the most important instruments of preventing deviance. This involvement and being there for them can be accomplished through loving conversations between members of the family on a daily basis.

Daily meetings should not be taken as an opportunity to criticize the behavior of one's children. This will result in resenting family gatherings. However, there is a need to focus on positive things, which gives the children a positive psychological reaction. This also enhances their feelings of strong membership to their families. Children's needs are not only those pertaining to food and shelter, but also extend to love and loyalty. It also requires close cooperation between the parents on the same set of rules in raising their children. Dr. Bedair warns against the substitution of the parents' love with baby sisters and housekeepers.

Be Their Friend When They are Seven
In instructing fathers to the best parenting methods, the Prophet (PBUH) said, "Be a loving father for seven, teach him for seven and be his friend for seven. Then turn him loose." With this hadith, Dr. Fouad Abu Hattab from the Department of Education at Aien Shams University began his talk. He said that being loving parents in the first seven years should be our focus. In this period of his life, the child takes actions seeking to know his borders and needs to know the parents' reaction. Before he/she attempts to break something, they usually look at their parents to see their reaction. If they show disapproval, he/she won't do it. Between the ages of 7-14, parents should teach their children values and help him/her in the choices they need to make. The parents should also strive to bring about suitable conditions for such choices. When this period ends and they reach adolescence, they may begin to start making decisions. Usually, mothers are closer to their children than their fathers. Her closeness to them enables her to recognize changes and may direct them toward the rights things indirectly in a loving manner. She needs to give them some confidence, self-reliance and relative independence. This is one of the main features of the adolescent period, which continues until he/she reaches full independence. At that stage, marriage is the first step because it contains both economic and social independence. This is why those who don't train their children for independence distort their character.

The Art of Parenting
Dr. Hamid Zahran (also from Aien Shams University) stated that exaggeration of care for children is equivalent to total negligence. Both are big mistakes in raising our children. This is why there is an art to parenting. There are different types of behavior that need to be avoided, such as:

Turning children loose.
Treating boys better than girls.
Preferring the child who is good at school more than the one who is not.
Being inconsistent in reward and punishment for the same action.
Parent's tyranny and their dominance supersede their children's choices.
Parent's disagreement on parenting methods and contradictions between them.
This leads to shaky character and failure on the child's part to identify what is right or wrong.

Dr. Muhsin Al-Argan, from the National Institute for Social and Criminal Studies, points out that we need a balance in loving our children and watching their behavior. He warns against extreme types of fear and always protecting them with confidence.

The Prophet (PBUH) as a Role Model
In the book of Educating Children in Islam, Abdullah Nasseh Olwan talked about the indirect ways through which we transmit knowledge to our children without making them feel that we are tyrants watching them. One of these methods is story telling. The Prophet (PBUH) used to tell stories to his companions. The Prophet also used to mix up preaching with simple fun. The Prophet (PBUH) also used to use illustrative methods whenever he wanted to highlight something, which is another effective method of teaching through example. The Prophet (PBUH) wanted to teach Muslims how to wash for the prayer. He got himself ready and performed the ablution in front of the Muslims and said, "Whoever washed for the prayer as I did, and prays two pure raka's and is not distracted by the devil in this prayer, all of his sins would be forgiven."

Another effective method is giving gifts. The Prophet (PBUH) has said that giving gifts leads to love. He was very compassionate with children. Once, the Prophet was playing with his grandsons, Al-Hassan and Al-Hussein. Alagr'a Ibn Habiss At-Tammimi was visiting the Prophet. He said, "I have ten boys and I have never kissed them." The Prophet (PBUH) told him, "Whoever doesn't show mercy, mercy won't be granted to them." Jaber narrated that he once visited the Prophet (PBUH) and found him walking on all fours. On his back were Al-Hassan and Al-Hussein. Jaber found him saying, "The best camel is your camel, the best children is you."

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