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My
name is Abdul Sabur. I live in Holland and I was born there in
1952 and both of my parents were catholic. In those days the
Dutch catholic was an example for the rest of the world. Pope
and bishops were respected and obeyed. The church became
faithfully visited and the number of missionaries that was
transmitted to third world countries had been turned off
against the number of inhabitants, larger than anywhere else
in the world. I went to a catholic school. In those days one
was RIE or Roman (catholic) In Everything. I grew up within
the protected triangle church-family-school and religion had a
central place in life.
In
fourth grade, I was 10 years old, we got history class and on
certain day the lesson was about the crusaders. “In the Holy
Land of Israel the Muslims came to power. Christian pilgrims
were threatened and assassinated and something had to be done
about this” our teacher told us so after the pope’s call
upon them, these crusaders—inspired by a merciless will to
convert—left for the Holy Land in order to beat the brains
out of those Muslims so to speak “in Nomine Domini” (in
the name of God). But those Muslims, what kind of people were
they?
As
background information the teacher told us that, just like the
Christians, Muslims believed in one god that they called Allah
and he had revealed himself by the archangel Gabriel to the
prophet Mohammed and these Muslims also believed in Jesus but
in their eyes that was not the son of God but a very important
prophet.
Why
should armies from Western Europe fight against a
religion that has been revealed by the same angel
that brought Mary the message that she—as blessed
among women—would become the mother of Jesus? |
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The
teacher didn’t tell us more because as an innocent catholic
we could have wrong ideas but no matter how short the
explanation was, it was long enough to give me a feeling of
doubt. Something about the story didn’t make sense because
why should armies from Western Europe fight against a
religion, that has been revealed by the same angel that
brought Mary the message that she—as blessed among
women—would become the mother of Jesus? So the way I saw it
this angel could not come from a another god than the god from
the Christians so what could be wrong with such a religion?
I
couldn’t really understand it and I could also live by the
fact that by Muslims Jesus was honored as an important prophet
because about that—Son of God—story I already had my
doubts from day one and remember: I was just ten years old. So
already I had my questions but whom could I ask? The parish
priest? Don’t make me laugh. So if this teacher wanted to
protect my innocent little soul against Islam he could have
better skipped this lesson but now the ‘harm’ was already
done and years before the first Moroccan and Turkish workers
came to Holland, Islam made his entry already; indeed no more
than a little sparkle in an innocent heart from a little boy
but nevertheless..
In
those years it was normal that the church was visited weekly.
The services were beautiful and so were the Gregorian (Latin)
hymns and everything was a desire for the eye and ear but from
1962 up to 1965 the second Vatican council was held; a meeting
of cardinals and bishops under the guidance of the head of the
catholic church, the pope. This council had a number of
far-reaching consequences. To make the services more
accessible Latin was abolished and the services were given in
the country language.
At
some parts of the services people kneeled but when in a lot of
churches the benches were replaced by chairs this also
stopped. Try to imagine what would happen if in mosques the
same kind of measures would be taken. The imam recites no
longer in Arabic but in English and the ruku`
[editor’s note: ruku` means bowing] and sujud
[editor’s note: sujud means prostration] would be
abolished. The consequence would probably be that the mosques
would run empty and that was exactly what happened with the
Catholic Church in the years after. The “revolutionary
sixties” came and faith disappeared by many people including
me. I saw religion as an old fashion thing from the past.
That
period lasted about thirty years. Religion didn’t interest
me anything.
When
I saw a service on TV or a program about religion I
immediately switched to another channel; yet when I saw
pictures of all those Muslims in Mecca during the hajj I found
that beautiful. The mosque with those beautiful lights had
something fairy-like and when I saw those thousands of Muslims
bowing at the same time with their face against the ground it
did something to me. How was that possible I sometimes
wonder... and why did I read the subtitles of the recitations
from the Qur’an during Ramadan? Me, as a non-believer?
On
a certain day I was walking in the Kalverstraat in Amsterdam.
I passed by a Catholic church called 'the Papagaai' (‘The
Parrot’). On the door with large characters was written
'Fifteen minutes for God ' and below that in smaller
characters: 'for this purpose this church is accessible
daily'. That kept me occupied. In the past the church became
visited weekly and now fifteen minutes would be too much?
Looking back on it this was the beginning point of a slow
return of my catholic faith. The interest for the church
increased slowly and after dozens of years of absence I
decided to visit the church I had also visited in my youth but
after that visit I was very disappointed. No word of Latin was
heard anymore. All hymns were in terrible Dutch an sung by a
choir of a small number of ladies and gentleman singing out of
key but some time afterwards. Fortunately, I found a church
where the services were held in the traditional manner and
soon this church was visited by me weekly. The beautiful Latin
hymns had been kept all those years and the people underwent
everything with much devotion so I was ‘back home again’,
I thought…
The
absence of negative feelings by me about Islam remained all
those years, also during my faithless period. The workers from
Morocco and Turkey came to Holland and with them came Islam.
The first women wearing headscarf appeared in the street, the
first mosques were build and there were even Dutch women who
converted themselves to Islam. They were telling that Islam
was absolutely not a religion that oppresses women but it gave
them a feeling of freedom and I believed them because why
would they lie?
In
the beginning of 2004 I was traveling by train to Amsterdam.
In the part next to mine some girls were having a lot of fun.
Obviously a group of High school girls. Then one of them
stepped out and I was very surprised when I saw that she was a
Moroccan girl wearing a headscarf and then I saw that this was
the same by the other three girls.
I
suddenly realized that a generation had grown up that was born
here in the Netherlands and of course they speak Dutch, share
the same ideals and dreams about their future and having fun
the same way as the girls with Dutch parents and grandparents.
Islam
in general drew more and more my attention, not in the last
place because this was also happening in the media. September
11th had left his marks. Only, I could find myself less and
less in the reporting about this and particularly the
discussions about the headscarf displeased me more and more.
With that giggling group of girls still in mind I got more and
more the impression that particularly the young Muslim woman
were put in a place where they didn’t belong and because of
the return of my own catholic faith my appreciation increased
for the way that these mostly young women expressed theirs by
wearing the hijab.
The
need to get information was there but the reporting in the
media I found no longer objective and just based on the
intention to get higher ratings so therefore the Internet was
the right way to get proper information. In one of the search
engines you enter the word 'moslima' (Muslim women) and then
the way to moslima.nl was easily found.
There
I could read about the reasons of Muslim woman to wear the
hijab, how they had converted themselves to Islam, how they
practice their religion and my admiration and respect
increased by every story. After reading these stories I
decided to write a letter in which I showed my respect for
their faith and for the way they lived by it. Because of the
many responses I received I got the impression sometimes that
I was about the only non-Muslim who had sympathy for Islam.
Fortunately I know that it isn’t so.
When
I sent the story about that history class to a Muslim woman
she reacted by telling me that she was really surprised by it
because she just felt how close I was to Islam. At that moment
I experience the same and that little sparkle that was inside
me for forty years became a little flame…
When
I saw the description: "letter of a
non-Muslim" I thought: “What’s this? I’m
not a non-Muslim”. I must admit that this thought
scared me and the week afterwards I was very
confused by it. |
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On
an evening in that period I was surfing on the site moslima.nl
and saw my letter but when I saw the description: "letter
of a non-Muslim" I thought: “What’s this? I’m not a
non-Muslim”. I must admit that this thought scared m e and
the week afterwards I was very confused by it. Constantly it
was going through my mind: “Could this be true? After so
many years I found the way back to the church and now this? Is
it really possible that I become a Muslim?”
The
following Sunday I visited church but this time I couldn’t
concentrate. ‘Gloria Patri et Filio’ was sung, ‘Glory to
the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit" but that
didn’t fit with that verse in Qur’an that said: […The
Messiah, `Isa son of Mariam is only a messenger of Allah and
His Word which He communicated to Mariam and a spirit from
Him; believe therefore in Allah and His messengers, and say
not, Three.…]
(An-Nisaa’ 4:171)
'Holy
Mary, mother of God ' they pray. Jesus as God? Why did I
prayed this all those years, or better: said it without
thinking… Once more I looked around and I saw the images of
the many saints who are honored in the Catholic Church. Many
times people pray to a saint in order to ask God what they
want but if God is the only one who makes the decision why
don’t we pray directly to Him?
O
sure, the psalms and hymns were beautiful but my doubts
increased every minute. All those beautiful songs suddenly
seemed so empty. On of the walls there was a painting with
Jesus (peace be upon him) with his disciples kneeling for him
but two of them did this in a way that was equal to the sujud;
on their knees and with their faces against the ground. Again
I realized how beautiful this was; ‘Why don’t we do this?'
I thought and that little flame inside me became a big one...
The
peace inside me returned and a Muslim woman advised me to let
everything come to me as it would come. “Allah leads whom he
wants” so she said... I already had understood that Islam is
except a religion also a way of life and I decided to make
this way of life, step-by-step my own. Not only to find out if
I wanted to live as a Muslim but also to find out if I was
able to live like one.
The
first thing I stopped was drinking alcohol. With an average of
less than one glass per day it was absolutely no problem. The
Second thing that had to be stopped was the consumption of
pork meat. That was a little bit more difficult because I just
loved it and I must admit that it was not the easiest thing to
do. One day I came home, a little bit hungry. I wanted to cut
off a piece of liver sausage. I looked on the label and I saw
that among other ingredients it also contained pork liver. I
thought; “O no, not now!” so I put the knife into the
sausage and suddenly I thought about this hadith which
said that when you have the intention to do something bad but
you decided not to do so because of Allah it would be
considered as a good deed. “Deal!” my reaction was and I
threw the sausage deep into the dustbin and so deep that I
wouldn’t be tempted to take it out again. Until now it goes
without problems and step-by-step I change to only halal
food.
Step
three was learning how to pray. I didn’t have any idea about
Islamic prayer and when somebody told me that it had to be
done in Arabic language it all seems a big obstacle to me.
Because how could I ever learn this? Using a note? But how do
you combine this with the correct position of the body? One
evening I was working on my laptop and suddenly I knew. Of
course! Why not using modern technique?
With
the application PowerPoint I made a slide show with
on every slide one line of Arabic text, the Dutch
translation and a picture with the correct position
of the body. |
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So
what I have done is this: with the application PowerPoint I
made a slide show with on every slide one line of Arabic text,
the Dutch translation and a picture with the correct position
of the body. I put the laptop on a low table in order to
prevent me for raising my eyes to heaven, a typically
Christian habit, and when I start the presentation slide after
slide appears automatically at the right moment. This method
worked so well that not only very soon I prayed five times a
day but it also appeared to be a very good method to learn the
Arabic language. Surat Al-Fatihah I knew by heart after
a few weeks and also the other parts of the prayer didn’t
give any problems. At the moments that the free recitation
comes to order I take the Qur’an and read some verses.
Meanwhile
I was convinced not only that I wanted to live as a Muslim but
that I was also able to do so although I realized that it
wouldn’t go without problems, after all, I’m just a human
being…
Very
soon after that I encountered some problems at work and also
in my private life and these problems kept my busy so much
that my iman [editor’s note: iman means faith]
was decreasing bit by bit. I hardly said my prayers and the
way I looked at Islam wasn’t as positive as it was because
in that period the hostage drama in that school in Russia
ended in a blood bath and in Indonesia a new terrorist attack
took place and I started to asked myself: “Do I really want
to be a part of all this?” I saw a possible future in which
I had to defend my being a Muslim to everyone.
I
kept an eye on a Arabic young man who was searching
something in his bag. What will he do with this bag,
take it with him when he leaves the place or leave
it behind? |
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In
that period I visited a cafeteria in Amsterdam in a
neighborhood with many Muslims. For that reason all the food
in that cafeteria is halal food. It was Friday
afternoon. The prayer in the mosque was just finished and the
Muslim women were covered more than usual but my respect for
this seemed to be changed. Instead of respect I had some
reserves about it and a bit suspicious I kept an eye on a
Arabic young man who was searching something in his bag. What
will he do with this bag, take it with him when he leaves the
place or leave it behind?
I
also missed my visit to the Catholic Church at Sunday morning.
Without it this morning seemed suddenly so empty and useless.
Why didn’t I forget all those Muslim plans and live my life
the way I use to do? After all, what is wrong by being a
Catholic with respect to Islam and other religions? Nothing I
suppose…
But
right on that moment the relationship with God formed by the
Islam appeared to be too strong.
Fortunately
the problems at work and in my private life were not so big
anymore and slowly my iman got stronger again. In the
meanwhile I came to the conclusion that until then everything
was going probably too fast. Within three months from a
Catholic to a coming Muslim who prays five times a day looks
nice but at the same time it was unnaturally fast. I decided
to take it easy and to think carefully about every new step I
would take. Do I really want to take this step? Do I
understand the meaning of it? Am I ready for it? These
questions I would ask myself.
Now
there was only one thing left and that’s the shahadah
[editor’s note: shahadah means Testimony of Faith].
Many times I thought about it. Where do I want to do your shahadah,
who do I want to be present and especially when? More and more
I got convinced that I wanted to do it alone with only God as
my witness and one evening I was ready for it. First, I did
the Ghusul [edotor’s note: Ghusul means ritual
cleansing of the body] and then during Maghrib prayer
[editor’s note: maghrib prayer means Sunset Prayer] I did my
shahadah. Finally I am a Muslim, Alhamdulillah!
And
now? Well, I’m just at the beginning of my life as a Muslim
and isn’t it is in the verse: [Do
men think that they will be left alone on saying, "We
believe", and that they will not be tested?]
(Al-`Ankabut 29:2)
Without
any doubt it won’t go without problems from time to time but
with the support I had from all those brothers and sisters but
above all with the support of Allah (swt) I can look at the
future with confidence. Alhamdulillah!
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