Have you ever thought, “When I grow up I’m not going to do this with my kids?” A lot of times you might say this to yourself though you really want your parents to hear it as well. “This isn’t the way to get me to do something! When I grow up I’ll try to do a better job.”

I’m talking about how we’re going to deal with our kids one day (when we have them) in terms of religion because everyday dealing probably differs from one person to another especially in things like what they like and what they don’t. But religion is practice. For example, a girl usually likes wearing hijab and wants to wear it because she has seen her mother wearing it ever since she can remember, and also because her mother explained to her why we have to wear hijab. But if she grows up seeing her mother not wearing hijab she’s probably not going to believe in it because how many kids can actually think that their parents make mistakes? So it sticks in her head that if she does not wear hijab, it isn’t wrong.

I used to think, “OK when I grow up and have kids in sha’ Allah I’ll start doing this and that so they can see me doing it and then they’ll do it too.” But it’s not that simple. I mean sometimes our parents will start telling us we should memorize Qur’an but we don’t recall seeing them do it. So, you think, “Why are you telling me to do something when you don’t do it or at least don’t show me you’re doing it?”

At least for me I don’t like to be given the order-sounding tone, “You should do this in religion” because I like to feel that I’m doing it because I believe in it and I want to please Allah, not because I’m following orders. I feel that the pen’s now writing what I do, so I should be doing stuff because I want to. The pen’s not sitting there waiting for me to grow up a little so it can start writing, it is writing now¹ I feel that the stage has passed at which parents can tell us to go and do this or that without us getting upset about it. Maybe it’s just because we’re teenagers that we don’t accept it anymore. But right now I’d appreciate it if it were only a nice suggestion and then they let me do the rest instead of ordering me and then getting upset when I don’t do it. Kind of like just show me the road and I’ll walk myself. Because maybe I’m doing it when they’re not around; they never know unless I tell them.

Parents usually do what they think is the right thing to do. The result they intend is usually good but they just don’t always get to us in the right way. I think when we’re little that is the time to shape us and bring us up religiously and when the pen starts writing it’s us who have to do things. So this is a message to parents, “Please just advise us and guide us but don’t push or pull us to do things.”

I mean look at the Companions of the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him), some of them did great things when they were just teenagers. Usamah Ibn Zaid² led the army when he was only 17. So, parents have plenty of time to raise us right before we reach 17, then after that they have to just let us try to do the right thing, but still keep an eye on us to help us when we go astray.

Most parents may tell us to do something religious when we’re older thinking that it’s the best way to help us, or maybe they try to fix what they didn’t do when we were kids. When we were kids, being ordered around might not have been much of a problem and it probably didn’t bother us as much as when we’re teenagers. “We’re too old for this!” we often think.

So, it’s our turn now to think about our kids in the future in sha’ Allah. How do we want to raise them up? Say you want to bring them up to read and memorize Qur’an everyday. But are you doing that now? Don’t say, “O well, when I have my kids I’ll start doing it so they can see me doing it and start doing it themselves.” If you want your children to be brought up religiously you’d better start with yourself now as a teenager! It’s not too early because when you start to do something daily and you’re not used to it at the beginning you’re going to do it one day yes, and the other day no. It will go on like this until you get used to it and after a while it will become a part of your life.

So, it’s up to us now. Think of what we wanted our parents to do for us when we were little and how we wanted them to get us to do things, and start doing it now so we can get used to it and teach our kids when the day comes. But don’t do this just because you want your kids to do it, but do it because you believe in it and love doing it. Our job with our kids isn’t just letting them see us praying and reading Qur’an everyday, it’s also convincing them to do these things and letting the feeling of love grow in them so they love doing good things.

So it’s up to us now to decide how we want the future to be and then start working towards it. We also have to think of how we want to get our kids to do things in a way our parents didn’t. Teach yourself what you want to teach your kids.