Have you ever noticed that no matter how badly parents treat their children, the children always seem to love the parents unconditionally? As a social worker, I have experienced this before in my work. Even the worst of child abusers are loved by their victims. This is unconditional love. Children unconditionally love their parents. This is how it is. Allah brings children into this world as sources of unconditional love for their parents, families, and everyone else whose lives they touch. According to the famous hadith of the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him), all children are born in a state of Islam (deen al-fitrah) but their parents and society turn them away from their pure natural state into something else. Based on this alone, it would appear as though adults have much to learn from their children, particularly in the ways of love. Why, then, and at what point do children who grow up and become parents learn to love conditionally? Where do we lose that unbreakable and unconditional love that we as children felt for our parents? What changes and why?

The lack of love that exists in the world today is manifest everywhere. Muslims, for one, do not seem to like to talk about love in the context of religion, in fear, perhaps, of sounding too much like Christians, who are keen on saying that “God is Love.” We cannot ignore, however, that Allah is Al-Wadud, the Ever-Affectionate, the One Who loves those who do good and bestows on them His compassion. Nor can we ignore the fact that He is Al-Rahman, the Beneficent, the One Who gives blessings and prosperity to all beings without showing disparity. And how about At-Tawwab, the Sublime Relenting, the One Who grants repentance to whoever He wills among His creatures and accepts his repentance, time and time again?

Without love, quite simply there is no mercy. Without mercy, there is no forgiveness. Without forgiveness, there is no hope, and without hope, there is no salvation. We cannot even throw around the word “mercy” itself, as we do in Islam so frequently—for example, in the name of Allah the Most Merciful, the Most Compassionate—without knowing that mercy exists because of love. The ahl tasawwuf (Sufis) say that the main ontological motivation for Allah’s act of creation is love, hubb. According to Ibn ‘Arabi, love is the root of existence, since it is out of His love to be known that Allah creates His creation (Bashier). This is evidenced by the hadith qudsi, “I was a hidden treasure that loved to be known, so I created creation so that I could be known.” As such, they say the ontological “force” underlying creation itself is love. What else could it be really? We know Allah is above need of any kind, especially from His own creation. So what other motivation could there possibly be for Him creating and being known by His creation? In a word, love.

So perhaps it’s about time that we as Muslims “cross the great divide,” so to speak, and discuss love, by starting with our families. Few would argue with the fact that there is a severe lack of love, peace, and unity in the world today. Most of our time as writers and commentators is spent on blaming some group, country, or person for these missing elements in our own lives. We like to project our personal frustrations and lack of love on Israel, George W. Bush, and the CIA, when in fact we are the ones that are not at peace with Allah’s decree. As Muslims, however, we must always pull back and reign in this desire to blame, and simply stop. We must catch ourselves, inhale Allah’s name, and clear our minds and hearts. We must stop and think about our selves for a moment, and do the difficult work of reflection and contemplation on our own contributions to the way things are in our lives. We can start with our relationships with those closest to us, our families.

Most parents love and dote on their kids. Few would argue that. Despite the love that we have for our children, often our openness to our children’s love is blocked by the personal conditions we put on love. Unlike children, who love their parents unconditionally and are always open to the variety of ways that their parents show their love for them, parents tend to be not so good at receiving love from their kids in kind.

If we start, again, from the premise that children themselves are a manifestation of Allah’s mercy and love, then we must know that children can only love their parents. Yet, why do we as parents act as if this is not the case? Why are we not open to the unconditional love that Allah sends us in the form of our kids? Why do we shut ourselves off from the love of our kids by putting conditions on love? Too often, we only seem to love our children when they act a certain way, or according to our own perception of what it means to be a “good Muslim.”

When our children learn to place conditions on love, they then become parents who do the same with their children. This is a problem because as parents, allowing our children to love freely by being open to their love allows them to fulfill their Divine purpose, which facilitates their own willful surrender to Allah, the source of love. As Muslim parents, we should want nothing less than our children to love and be content with their Creator. This is the pinnacle and height of Islamic realization:

According to Ansari:

Innocent children have heaven already inside of them. Discovery and protection of innocence, your own and that of the ones you love and care for, is of paramount importance, and we do not do that by shoving, however so gently, our guilt ridden fears, religious doctrines and dogmas, and patterns of fearful behavior down their throats. When we “educate” our children in that manner we are simply enforcing the message that they are bad until we say they are good, not that they are good until they are bad, as it should be. Such is the beginning of religious oppression and peer pressure in the family that suppresses the “lovingly rebellious” soul and causes the need for the “acting out” of extremes in the search for love.

We, as parents, educate our children according to what is in our own hearts. If we are overcome with fear and guilt, we will raise our children in such a manner and be closed to the love that they were sent to bring us. Too often, as stated beautifully by Ansari, we live as Muslims according to the Christian doctrine of Original Sin. We live and teach as though our children are inherently sinful and evil, in constant need of penitence.

In light of the reality of tawbah, and the awesome feeling of Allah’s greatness and mercy that remembrance of Him brings to the heart, do we teach our children to return to a magnificent and magnanimous Lord or to the fear and guilt of our own ego-driven shadow selves? This is the question that we must ponder. When we answer it, we will be able to see why it is that we are in fact closed off to the love and mercy that our children are meant to be in our lives.

So what happens when our children experience the rejection of not being able to fulfill their divine role as sources of mercy and healing to their parents? Well, they act out of course, commonly perceived as rebellion or disobedience. In fact, it is their undeniable soul that simply will not be denied. It will manifest—the question is, in what form? The answer to that lies within us as parents. How will we accept our children’s love? Will we suppress and command it to submit, or will we teach it to willfully surrender to the love and mercy that is only a heartbeat away?

Will we teach and mold our children as the precious uncut gems that they are, or will we use guilt, doctrine, and the “wrath of Allah” to scare them straight into being “good” Muslims according to our own lack of understanding of the fact that there is, in truth, no such thing as a “good” or “bad” Muslim, only a Muslim? We are either surrendered to Allah or we are not. We are either conscious of Allah, or caught up in the world and our own fear-based realities. If we live our lives in a state of willful and peaceful surrender and our children see it in everything we do, they will want it for themselves in time. That is why the example of the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) was so powerful and still is to this day. His example was what moved people’s hearts to Islam and to Allah. Read about the relationship and love that he had for his daughter, Fatimah (may Allah be pleased with her), about whom he said, “Fatimah is a piece of me; whosoever tortures her has tortured me, and whoever pleases her has pleased me.”

As parents, it is imperative that we are open and accepting (in surrender) to the love and mercy that Allah brings us in the form of our children. We must know ourselves, therefore, to know when we are not able to do this. We must examine our hearts and understand what conditions we put on love. Do we really love our children unconditionally? Or are we in the business of trying to “make” them “good” Muslims by imposing our dark selves on them, which they will eventually rebel against in one form or another. Let us start by looking at ourselves deeply and honestly, and make a sincere intention and du`aa’ (supplication) to be fully surrendered to Allah by surrendering to his loving gift to us in the form of our children. Let us view our children and families through the eyes of love, as opposed to the eyes of fear, and take notice of the transformation that occurs in our hearts and homes.