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Sharon's List: Only Israel Marches To a Different Drummer
By Dr. Mohamed Khodr
05/04/2001
Ariel Sharon is desperate to rehabilitate himself in the eyes of his own people before he dies. His legacy will be that he brought comfort, stability, rest, a calming of nerves, psychological peace, and a cleansing of the "troubles" that have disturbed the fragile psyche of all Jews. He brought this calm to his people not through a "Maalox or Prozac Moment," but through a permanent and final solution - via an M-16, a new compound guaranteed to drive away any human headache.
Sharon will justify to his people that Israel has bent over backwards since 1948, offering peaceful solutions, accepting U.N. resolutions, and even restraining its anger when slightly scratched.
But let us hear him in his own words, for now, Sharon speaks!:
Israel, after all, accepted the U.N. 1948 partition that gave back to the "troubles" 45% of their own land for a homeland - but they refused it. Israel was also generous in offering those "troubles" who chose to remain Israeli, citizenship - unlike the rest of the "troubles" who peacefully left their homes, farms, and belongings behind and insisted on trekking hundreds of miles on foot to neighboring Arab countries, countries that didn't give a damn about their health and welfare. They just threw them in refugee camps, refusing to grant them citizenship or working papers, and stole the money that the U.N. and others gave them in aid to feed, house, and school the "troubles."
And again, in 1956, Israel took it upon itself to free these "troubles" from the domination of Egypt and provide them with Israeli "security," but, stupidly, Eisenhower didn't appreciate its efforts and insisted that Israel leave its friendly presence on Egypt's land. So we decided, "Never again will we allow any American President, Congress, Media, or any individual or institution to challenge anything we say or do. Since then, we've held America by its
cojones, and so far so good."
We tried to surprise the "troubles" in 1967 by liberating them from Egypt, Jordan, and Syria. This time, we succeeded, and ever since we have spent our money (and yes, America's money), energy, and technology to provide these "troubles" with civilized Jews as neighbors to their camps, jobs to help build their neighborhoods, and education on farming practices. And occasionally we have even given them the opportunity to serve as target practice whenever we were in a bad mood or stressed out.
Out of our generosity, we have built a maze of new roads, Beverly Hills neighborhoods and swimming pools, and schools; we have provided constantly running water so that the land could bloom with green grass and flowers (and we still allow them some water once a week).
Of course, since Judaism is the forerunner of Christianity and Islam, it was only logical that we take the entire holy city of Jerusalem under our wings for interfaith purposes. And for that gesture, can you believe that the entire world - including our colony, America - still refuses to recognize Jerusalem as our capital? That's some Chutzpah.
When our northern neighborhoods across from Lebanon became stressed by angry words and rockets, we calmly persuaded Lebanon, both in 1979 and in 1982, to stop the "troubles" who had fled from our land from acting so barbarically. Eventually, the "troubles" and their leader left Beirut for Tunis.
Unfortunately, we had to liquidate some of them there and in Europe so that our people wouldn't take out their anger against their neighborly "troubles" in Judea and Samaria. You'd think after 22 years of persuasion, Lebanon would learn its lesson, but it didn't, so we gave up and decided to let them fight their wars with Syria and between themselves.
In the 1980s, our American colony told us that this crazy man in Iraq that they were fooled into supporting (they are so gullible and stupid, aren't they?) was building a nuclear reactor. So they worked it out with Jordan and Saudi Arabia to allow our pilots to take it out. America told us they would be grateful for such action as it protects their puppets in the oil rich Persian Gulf, but publicly they asked us to understand their condemnation. Yada, yada, yada… and nothing changes.
"So, my dear Israel," says the proud Sharon, "Here is my list for a peaceful future. I guarantee its success because the simple-minded idiotic Bush can't tell his Judea from his Samaria, and so he'll be looking to our friends in the Congress, Think Tanks, Media, Lobbyists - basically our government within his government - asking them what he should do regarding his
"froigener policy."
Sharon's To Do "List"
Palestine:
Continue the "Exodus" plan for the "troubles:" shoot, kill, assassinate, bomb, burn, demolish homes, destroy farms (I hate olive trees), hospitals and schools, build trenches and walls, "accidentally" kill their prisoners, starve them, and cut off their supply of water, electricity, and medicine. They will either leave or they will die.
Every Jew is entitled to a good night's rest with peace and quiet. Arafat must be liquidated, along with all his help. That will cause a civil war and, then, they may just kill one another and save us the trouble. In two years, I assure you no more "troubles."
As long as our American colony is there, who will stop us? As long as these Arab leaders remain in power, we can forget about them. They all remember what happened to King Faisal.
This "Exodus" will be done quietly and circumspectly, as there will be no media allowed in, and without pictures of blood, the world keeps quiet. We will let the Settlers do the initial killing; then we'll move in.
I will destroy that world symbol of Jerusalem's "Dome of the Rock" and "Masjid Al Aqsa." That Temple Mount is Jewish - always has been and always will be. Let the Muslims eat their dust.
I'm not sure about the Christian sites yet. I'll wait to see the reaction of Europe first. If, as usual, they're cowards, I'll destroy it - with the help of Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell, John Hagee, Oral Roberts, Benny Hinn, and all our Christian "Zionist" friends. After that, all of them will meet with "accidents" since deep down inside all they want is to see the end of the Jewish people and hasten the coming back of their "Jesus."
Lebanon:
Destroy all "troubles" and all "Hezbollah" camps. Overthrow the government and bring back General Michel Aoun, our friend, to be president. Help him to liquidate all opposition, especially the Muslims and Druze. Our colony and we will help the Lebanese free themselves of Syria's illegal occupation and jumpstart their economy. We will reinstate a joint Lebanese-Israeli army in the south to maintain calm and peace.
Syria:
As Colin Powell said, "We will surround it, then kill it," as far as the Syrian army in Lebanon is concerned. Syria is so weak - with no weapons or military to speak of. We'll take more of the Golan Heights so we can reunite the poor families on their side with their relatives on our side. That's always brought a tear to my eyes. We will also install a friendly government - instead of the "son of the butcher" who killed his own people.
Egypt:
Mubarak is the best friend Israel has ever had. He talks well but he knows who feeds and protects him from the Sadat killers. Egyptians have no more stomach to fight - and aren't good at it anyway - preferring belly dancing and Meloukiah.
I'm tired of Al-Azhar University. I think it's time we make it into a Meir Kahane Jewish Seminary Institute for Peace and Reconciliation.
Iraq and Iran:
With the help of Saudi Arabia, the Gulf States, Turkey, and our American colony, we'll take out Saddam and his republican guards. A solution everyone wants but is too cowardly to act on.
We will then place our formed "Iraqi opposition" in power, and shower the Iraqi people with food, water, and MTV videos.
As for Iran, we will launch our usual surprise attack on all their military facilities, and their conventional and unconventional weapons, and remove their rigid and racist orthodox religious leaders. We will install the Shah's son in power - he has learned well from his father's mistakes, and he will rule well with our advice.
United States:
I am deeply suspicious of the two African Americans, Powell and Condoleeza Rice (she has such delicious legs) in Bush's government. Blacks have never been good friends with Jews. Thus, our friends will begin the process of "seek, scandal and destroy," and get them out of there.
Rumsfeld is an idiotic cold war bigot whom we can manage. Bush is an idiot, but he's an unpredictable idiot. Hardly any Jews voted for him; they hate his father, and still he kisses our kosher "behinds." But he's a one termer only for our colony.
We want Gephardt for President. I've never met a man willing to sell his mother for money like him. The idiot will "emblazon" the love of Israel in the American people, as he promised the American Israel Public Affairs Committee (AIPAC).
I'll call upon Foxman, Lauder, and Klein to take the usual precautions by bugging all the National Security offices as we did at the time of Clinton. We may need it later.
This my, Eretz Israel, is my "To Do LIST" for my administration. Have no fear of the rest of the world, for we have enough rich and important Jews in all of the important countries to support this Divine Plan.
Even DreamWorks Spielberg, Katzenberg, and Geffen are already planning beautiful cartoon and adult movies to bring tears to the eyes of every American - much like the movies
The Sword of the Desert, The Life of Emile Zoa, Exodus, Fiddler on the Roof, Yentl, and
Schindler's List.
The world will thank me, praise me, and erect statues and monuments to me. They will sing my name in Hebrew and Yiddish forever, for only I, Herr General Ariel Sharon, took revenge upon the Arab and Islamic world for the Holocaust. We, the victims of the Exodus and Holocaust can't be satisfied until we ourselves become the perpetrators of an Exodus and a Holocaust. We will force the world to love us - no matter how many people we have to kill.
Suddenly, a lonely voice in the crowd shouted, "Arik, what about Yahweh?" Arik turned around and said, "WHO?"
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