Allah
tells us in the Noble Qur'an:
[Certainly
you have in the Messenger of Allah an excellent
exemplar for him who hopes in Allah and the latter
day and remembers Allah much.] (Al-Ahzab
33:21)
As
true believers, we cannot question the veracity of
this statement, yet why is it that when it comes
to the issue of parenting, we somehow feel out of
our depth, as though we were struggling in a
turbulent ocean without any life jackets in sight?
We
have the example of the Prophet (peace and
blessings be upon him), but are we perhaps missing
something?
The
uncle of Abu Rafi ibn `Amr Al-Ghifari
narrated: When I was a boy, I used to throw
stones at the palm trees of the Ansar. So I
was brought to the Prophet (peace and
blessings be upon him) who said, "Boy,
why do you throw stones at the palm
trees?" I said, "I wanted to eat
(dates)." He said, "Do not throw
stones at the palm trees, but eat what falls
beneath them." He then wiped his head and
said, "O Allah, fill his belly." (Dawud
14:2616)
Subhan
Allah,
consider the actions of the Prophet (peace and
blessings be upon him). His first response to the
situation was to ask the youth about his reasons
for the unbecoming behavior. Once the reason was
established, he (peace and blessings be upon him)
then offered an alternative and afterwards made du`aa'
to Allah for the youngster.
If
one of our neighbor's children had been caught
raiding our fruit tree, what would our response
have been? "You brat, doesn't your mother
teach you any manners? Don't ever come into my
yard again! Let your parents buy fruit for
you!" Sound familiar? We might have even
colored our reaction with a few choice expletives
to get the message across 100 percent. That child
would be in no doubt that we meant business. How
far would we be then from the Prophet's example,
we who claim to be his devotees? Not only did the
Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) not use
harsh language, but he never struck anybody with
his own hand — neither a slave nor a woman —
except in jihad. One of his Companions said,
"I have never seen him taking revenge for any
offense done to him. But if any command of Allah
was disregarded, his anger would know no
bounds" (At-Tirmidhi).
Another
hadith shows the perfection of the Prophet's
(peace and blessings be upon him) faith, for he
(peace and blessings be upon him) once said,
"The best of all actions is to love for the
sake of Allah and to hate for the sake of
Allah" (Abu Dawud 4:579).
Showing
Displeasure
History
tells us of Companions (may Allah be please them)
who would refuse to speak with family members who
went against the commands of Shari`ah. As parents,
we show our displeasure when our children fare
poorly in school examinations, or when they don't
get up on time to make it for an appointment to
the hairdressers. Do we display the same
self-righteous indignation when our children fail
to perform salah, to recite the Qur'an, or
to obey their teacher at madrasah? We lament the
fact that the ulama are not offering alternatives
to the youth, but is this really the duty of the
ulama?
We
Can Preach, But Can We Practice?
What
is our role as parents? Are we equipped to give
our children alternatives? Is it perhaps that we
cannot see the beauty of Islam for ourselves? We
are grappling with this identity crisis, and as
such, we are ill equipped to show anyone, least of
all our children, the beauty of Islam. We claim
that Islam is the perfect way of life, yet we are
the last to live it in practice.
We
read the Qur'an and yet cannot understand it; we
lack the knowledge of the most basic laws of
Shari`ah and harbor this ill-conceived notion that
the knowledge of Islam is meant for the ulama
only. Surely, even the most rudimentary
understanding of Islam would have led us to
acquire knowledge, which is the duty of every
Muslim. Knowledge in this context means knowledge
of deen that allows for the fulfillment of
our duties as Muslims. Knowledge of the laws of
the Shari`ah pertain to our carrying out our
duties of salah, fasting, hajj, zakah, and
more.
We
have strayed so far from the truth that we would
rather apply the knowledge of this world than that
of Islam to our lives, particularly if the
benefit thereof would inflate our bank balance. We
emphasize to our children the importance of
acquiring education and we spend copious amounts
of money on their education by sending them to the
best schools that we can afford. But in contrast,
do we give 15 minutes of our time each day to
listen to their recitation of the Qur'an, for
example?
I
understand the malady completely, having once been
there myself. As a student, I excelled in school,
scooping up award after award, while in madrasah,
I was a nonentity. This was not because of my lack
of ability, but rather because of my lack of
interest. My own parents' attitude towards
madrasah reinforced my misconceptions. When, at
the age of 16, I decided that the knowledge of deen
was what I wanted (much to my parents' ire) not
only did I excel in it, but I also acquired the
ability to read the Qur'an in a manner other than
the halting one, al-hamdu lillah.
So
while on the surface we tell our children that
madrasah is important, our attitude shows our bias
more eloquently than words ever could, and our
children — the intuitive geniuses that they are
— get the message loud and clear.
So
is there a solution?
The
Role of Education
I
spoke to a brother who, at the age of 28, still
finds himself outside the masjid while the Jumu`ah
khutbah (Friday sermon) is being delivered.
He felt that if he understood Arabic, then he
would understand the khutbah, and his
situation might be somewhat different. I must
concede that point.
Surely,
if more worshipers could understand the khutbah
on Fridays and the Qur'an during the salah,
then more would hasten towards the masjid. The
attraction of the words of Allah would surpass the
attractions of all else. Maybe our madrasahs need
to consider this and work towards teaching our
students Arabic to enable them to understand the
Qur'an, in sha' Allah.
Another
drawback I find with the current system of
imparting knowledge to the general public is the
lack of fresh approaches. Classes are still being
taught much the same way as they were some 20
years ago, when I was in madrasah. Islamic
history, which I now find to be a fascinating
subject, is still presented in a boring manner as
it was all those years ago. I understand that this
might present a huge challenge, but in this age,
when we are competing with computers,
PlayStations, and cell phones for attention,
madrasah lessons need to become a lot more dynamic
and real. Islam needs to come alive in all spheres
of life.
Create
a Yearning
Abu
Hurairah reported that Allah's Messenger (peace
and blessings be upon him) said, "When Allah
created the creation as He was upon the throne, He
put down in His Book: Verily, My mercy
predominates My wrath" (Muslim 37: 6626).
A
manifestation of this all-encompassing mercy of
Allah lies in the fact that while Paradise has
eight doors, Hellfire has only seven. The
traditions of the Prophet (peace and blessings be
upon him) are replete with explanations of the
overwhelming mercy of Allah and His great love for
His creation. We need to create within our youth a
yearning for the mercy, grace, forgiveness, and
bounties of Allah by making an all-out effort to
tell them of all the wonderful favors that Allah
has promised His faithful servants. We need to
empower them with this knowledge, for the fear of
Allah must be born out of love for Him and a
desire to always act in a manner that is pleasing
to Him. As parents, we have the duty to instill
within our children, from a very young age, an
understanding of this concept.
Allah
should never be seen as a vengeful presence,
waiting for His servants to make a mistake so that
He may inflict a painful punishment upon them. By
always focusing on punishment for sins, we create
this impression. Perhaps we would be that much
more effective as guides if we focused on rewards.
Our youth would then perform the good acts for the
rewards, and gradually they would progress to a
point where acts are carried out solely for the
pleasure of Allah.
A
word of caution though: This effort to inform our
youth of Allah's mercy should not result in our
becoming bold when it comes to committing sin.
Allah tells us in the Noble Qur'an to spread the
knowledge. Often, people indulge in sin knowingly,
and then say that Allah is Forgiving. None of us
have any guarantee whatsoever that we will be
forgiven by Allah; therefore abstinence from sin
is of vital importance for success both in this
world and the next. It should be our desire to
create a strong link with Allah while we strive to
improve our own taqwa (piety) and make
Allah the center of our universe. We should leave
behind our children who will continue on this same
path. Such offspring will be a source of sadaqah
jariyah (continuous charity) for us even after
our death.
An
Alternative
There
are many fun activities that are permitted in
Islam that we can engage in to keep our children
entertained. Islam is not an austere religion.
Playing certain sports has been allowed, but as
the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) once
said,
Every
lahw (play) of the world is false
except three things: That you play with your
bow and arrow, that you play while training
your horse, and that you play with your wife.
Because these are among the acceptable
rights." (At-Tirmidhi 1637)
`Abdullah
ibn `Umar narrated that the Messenger of Allah
(peace and blessings be upon him) once held a race
between horses that had been made lean by
training, from Al-Hafya to Thariyat Al-Wadi. He
held a race between horses that had not been made
lean from Thaniya (a mountain pass near Madinah)
to the mosque of the Banu Zurayq. `Abdullah ibn `Umar
was among those who raced them (Malik).
`A'ishah
narrated:
It
was the day of `Eid and Ethiopians were
playing with shields and spears. (I do not
remember) whether I asked the Messenger of
Allah (peace and blessings be upon him) or
whether he said to me if I desired to see
(that sport). I said: Yes. I stood behind him
with his face parallel to my face, and he
said: O Banu Arfada, be busy (in your sports)
till I was satiated. He said (to me): Is that
enough? I said: Yes. Upon this he asked me to
go. (Muslim 4:1942)
To
explain all these narrations, Mufti Muhammad Sahfi
(may Allah be pleased with him) said,
When
doing all these things, the aim should be to
achieve the correct and sound objective of the
game. Playing for the sake of playing should
never be the objective. Any indulgence that
stretches to unreasonable proportions or
touches the limits of excess would not be in
order.
In
other words, even in play, we should not become so
engrossed that it leads us to neglect our duties
as Muslims, for Allah tells us, in no uncertain
terms, [I created the jinn and humankind only that
they might worship Me] (Adh-Dhariyat 51:56).
`Ali,
the Commander of the Believers, said, "One
addicted to play will not be successful" (Gharar
Al-Hukm).
Each
person should indulge in recreation according to
his or her needs. Youth have loads more energy
than adults and thus have more need for
recreation. It is up to us, as parents, to make
suitable, halal alternatives available to
them. Any sport that results in an improvement in
physical health should be encouraged, and an
all-out effort should be made to ensure that this
is done within the confines of Shari`ah, meaning
that due consideration should be given to the laws
of modesty such as wearing hijab.
Instead
of lamenting the plight of our youth who stand on
a precipice, let's rescue them and show them a
better way. Recalling the incident of the youth
who threw a stone at the date palm, let's adopt
the strategy of the Prophet (peace and blessings
be upon him). When our children act in some way
that is displeasing to Allah, let us first
investigate the reasons, instead of going on a
rampage. Then let's make alternatives available.
Let us do this with love and affection and, most
importantly, let us turn to Allah and plead to Him
to guide them. After all, the hearts of humans are
solely under His control.
"Ya
muqallibal quloob, qalib quloobana `ala ta`atika."
(O Turner of Hearts, turn our hearts towards Your
obedience.) Ameen.
Source:
Imam
Ghazzali Character
and Conduct of Holy Prophet
Read
Also:
Acceptance
as a Way of Life
Fatherly
Advice: Raising the Rebellious
Reflecting
on Our Roles as Fathers and Husbands
A
Letter to the Culture That Raised Me
A
Letter to My Daughter
Turning
Our Negatives Into Positives
Reflections
Upon the Relationship Between Rububiyyah &
Tarbiyah
Preparing
Parents as Educators
Excellence
in Islamic Education: Talk & Play
Challenges
Facing Islamic Education
Educating
the Whole Brain
Creating
a Learning Environment
Raising
Positive Children Today
**
Saaleha Bhamjee is a mother of four and a
writer based in South Africa. She is a regular columnist
for The Muslim Woman, a magazine in South
Africa. She is an Islamic Writers Alliance member
and can be contacted at imraan.bhamjee@fnbisp.co.za
