With
Karen’s niqab (veil) covering up most of her
face, you can still see bitterness in her eyes. You can
hear resentment in her voice as she tells her story.
She
refuses to have her real name and nationality published,
but she claims to speak on behalf of many Western women
living in Egypt, married to or divorced from Egyptians.
After
converting to Islam, Karen moved to Egypt with a few
other women who shared with her idealistic ideas about
living in a Muslim-majority country. They were soon
confronted with the reality about the people’s
“ignorance of Islam” and deviation from its
teachings.
Her
first year as a foreigner on her own in Cairo was the
most difficult. “I have never felt as lonely as I felt
here in this city with 16 million people,” she says.
“Being a woman as well as a foreigner put me in a
double disadvantage. It’s a men’s country, [where]
men don’t take women seriously ... and tend to take
advantage of them.”
She
decided she couldn’t stay in Egypt unless married and
she accepted a marriage offer by an Egyptian man, a
decision that she regrets. “Marriage itself is
difficult, cross-cultural marriage is more difficult,
and when you don’t understand the other’s culture,
you have a third degree of difficulty.”
Cultural
differences resulted in her divorce.
Egypt’s
culture, in Karen’s opinion, is one of manipulation,
not directness. “Egyptians are obsessed with covering
their back. In the West we are direct because we have a
system that covers us up.” As a result, she says,
“The [Egyptian] husband [of a Western woman] thinks,
‘My wife is not respecting me’ when all what she is
doing is being direct.”
Cultural
differences made Karen feel “oppressed” in her
marriage: “The Western woman enters the relationship
on a 50-50 basis; whereas men in Egypt tend to be
brought up to feel they are superior to the girls in the
family.”
“For
example, she expects the husband to hold the baby while
she cooks something, but men in Egypt don’t accept
that. They won’t do what’s qualified as ‘women’s
work.’”
“Yes
they will,” says Kris Johnson, speaking of her
Egyptian husband, who gives her a hand when she needs
assistance. They have lived in harmony for more than 11
years, proving that Karen’s husband does not represent
all Egyptian men.
“It’s
wrong to generalize,” says Hawa Irfan, the head of the
Cyber Counseling service of IslamOnline.net. “Within
Egypt, the northern man differs from the southern
man,” then men differ from one city to another; and
even inside Cairo, they differ from one area to
another—let alone personality differences apart from
social environments.
Irfan,
a foreigner living in Egypt herself, believes that a
Western wife suffers when she sees herself “separate
or different from the social system she has married
into.”
An
American from Minnesota, Kris doesn’t consider herself
“foreign” in Egypt: “I have a dual personality. I
am Egyptian here and American when I go to the
States.”
But
she doesn’t give up her own culture completely.
“Inside, I am no longer American but I am not so
Egyptian that I forget my country and my family. …
Look at my kids: They are half and half.”
The
family live with two cultures in one house, taking pride
in their ability to “combine the two cultures
successfully.”
To
Kris, the key to a foreign woman’s success in Egypt is
conformity: “I have foreign friends in Egypt fighting
against what they don’t like; they end up feeling lost
and frustrated. If you don’t conform, you will be on
the outside. If you don’t go with the status quo in
Egypt, you will be rejected.” She points out that
Egyptians refuse to cope with what’s foreign, what
they don’t know.
The
Western wife’s success, says Irfan, depends, again, on
“how she identifies with the social circle she has
married into.”
As
strong family ties hold Egyptian society together,
Western wives living in Egypt have to constantly deal
with their in-laws. How the wife manages her
relationship with her husband’s family shapes her
marital life.
If
she doesn’t identify with the social circle of her
husband, says Irfan, “she ends up not only alienating
herself, but also forcing her husband to make choices
between her and the social circle he belongs to.”
Karen’s
husband made his choice: “His family came first,”
she says. “If you think I am going to put you before
my family, you are out of your mind,” he once told
her.
The
case is different for the Irish wife Aisha Fitzpatrick.
She maintains warm ties with her in-laws, who live with
her in the same building. “They are very good, kind
people. … They appreciate my coming from Ireland to
live with their son here in Egypt,” she says.
Her
Belgian friend, Sumaya Mommerency, has a normal
relationship with her husband’s family, but she finds
difficulty in convincing them with her opinion. “They
think they know everything better and that I don’t
know anything while I am only different from them,”
Sumaya says.
Aisha
advises her, “You just have to be yourself but in a
nice, polite way.”
Their
American friend Umm Mustafa is not close to her
husband’s parents after living with them for 15 years.
“We don’t really talk.” Umm Mustafa and her
in-laws speak different languages and share no interests
to talk about in the first place. “We are not enemies,
but not friends,” she says.
This
group of Western women in Egypt seek refuge in a weekly
gathering that strengthens their friendship. “It’s
nice to meet foreigners like myself and speak with them
in English,” says Aisha.
Their
Canadian friend Cathy Hanafy agrees: “It’s an
excellent group that provides an excellent support
system.” Having lived in Egypt with her husband for
more than 13 years, she has never had a true friendship
with an Egyptian. “With Egyptian women, there seems to
be something missing. I don’t know what it is, but
it’s difficult for me to have a solid relationship
with an Egyptian woman,” she says.
The
circle of Western women friends provides a
social-support mechanism that prevents them feeling
isolated, “which, in turn, impacts [their]
marriage,” says Irfan.
It
gives Sumaya another advantage: “You can speak your
mind about Egypt,” she says.
She
hates Egypt’s bureaucracy, hypocrisy, and intolerance
of what’s foreign and different. She likes its
hospitality and slow pace.
Cathy
likes the Egyptians’ friendliness. She misses
Canada’s nature and cleanliness.
Karen,
who chose to remain in Egypt after her divorce, likes
the Egyptian people’s kindness. “I have never had my
car break on the road, for example, without finding
someone coming to help.”
“There
are a lot of good people here, especially from the low
and middle classes,” she adds. She likes the religious
basis that binds them. “If there is any problem, you
can always refer to Islam and remind people of Allah.
Even those who are not religious will know exactly what
you are saying.” It was her decision to wear niqab—uninfluenced
by her husband—out of religion-related motives.
Karen
also likes the “healthy family structure” in Egypt.
She encourages her kids to socialize with their
father’s family. “It’s a support system that
prevents them from feeling alone.”
As
for Kris, she loves Egypt’s unexpectedness. “Every
day in Egypt brings something different, undetermined.
Every day can be exciting. Life in Egypt is an
adventure. America is boring” with a routine way of
life, she says.
Yet,
she holds on to a “one-year rule” that enables her
to visit her country: “I can’t stay more than one
year in Egypt, or I will find myself baring my teeth on
the street and getting mad at everybody.”
“I
think Egyptians will love this one-year rule too,” she
says with a laugh.
Read Also:
A
Wall in My Life
An
Unfortunate Separation of Love
A
Sense of Betrayal
My
Conversion and Their Desire
I
Am Married to A Muslim-Hating Wife
Whose
Responsibility Is Housework?
Join the Discussion Forum:
*
This article originally appeared in the Middle East Times and is republished with the kind permission of the publisher
**
Sara Khorshid is staff writer for IslamOnline.net. She holds a bachelor’s degree in political science from Cairo University. You can reach her at sarakhorshid@islamonline.net.
