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52 Ways To Make A Difference:
#17
By Amina Cisse Muhammad
01/10/2001
Often, when we think of how we might somehow make a difference in someone else's life, we think of only the "big ways." Although it is great to strive towards the ideal, we are often stopped from trying by considerations such as a lack of time and/or money, or we are discouraged because we don't believe we will get the results that we desire.
In this column, we will feature discussions of "small ways" that each of us, as Muslims and as human beings, can seek to contribute to our families, our communities, our societies; and indeed, Insha'Allah, to the world. And we urge you to take a moment to reflect on these words, and to contemplate how you might put them into action in your own life to benefit humanity. May Allah bless each and every one of us!
#17: Spread some confidence and hope by encouraging someone.
Encourage: 1) to inspire with courage, spirit, or hope; hearten. 2) to spur on; stimulate. 3) to give help or patronage to; foster
(Merriam-Webster online Collegiate
Dictionary).
Do you ever feel that nothing good you do gets noticed? Remember the expression, "When you are right, no one remembers; when you are wrong, no one forgets"? Well, believe me, many of us do much of the time.
So what's the solution? That we more often notice and acknowledge the good that others do (praise), and encourage them as they continue their efforts.
Both encouragement and praise work wonders - particularly with growing children. Whenever I praise and/or encourage my six-year old, her face lights up with happiness and positive self-feelings.
There is a significant distinction between encouragement and praise though. And although the occasions that we do either are typically few and far in between, we generally find it easier to praise someone's accomplishments than we do to encourage them along the way. In fact, we usually feel that we are encouraging someone when we praise them.
Don Dinkmeyer, Sr., Gary McKay, Joyce McKay and Don Dinkmeyer, Jr. note in their book,
Parenting Teenagers: Systematic Training for Effective Parenting of Teens, that encouragement and praise serve two different purposes.
Praise is a type of reward and is earned. When children are praised, they learn to please others. Although there is nothing wrong with wanting to please others, it is not healthy to feel that we are only worthwhile when we are pleasing others.
As well, when a child gets used to being praised, they may feel something is wrong when they don't receive it.
On the contrary, encouragement is a gift that does not have to be earned and can be given even when a person isn't doing well. It involves noticing a person's special qualities and pointing them out, and giving less importance to a person's mistakes and more to their strengths. This helps children feel valued and accepted for who they are, and raises their self-esteem (Dinkmeyer et al., 1998, pp. 54-60).
Fostering high self-esteem in their children is one of the most important things parents can do:
Children with high self-esteem are capable of making good decisions, are proud of their accomplishments, and are willing to take responsibility and ready to cope with frustration. Also, they are more socially competent, they perform better in school, and are more likely to avoid future serious problems such as school dropout and drug use (Hamdan, 1998, p. 41).
Encouragement and praise utilize two different sets of language. Praise often involves words that judge like, "You're such a good kid. I am proud of you!" whereas encouragement uses words that notice such as, "Thanks. That was a big help," and "I trust your judgment," or "I can see you really worked hard on that," and "You can do it" (Dinkmeyer et al., 1998, pp. 60-61).
Examples of the language of encouragement can be found at Encouraging
Words, a website created by a schoolteacher in order to help other educators create an effective learning environment for students. This site provides several links to other useful sites.
One possible way that we can encourage others is to find an appropriate way to share our own successes:
It seems common to share all of life's disappointments - large and small - 'cause life's like that, yet it seems less socially acceptable to share our successes. There must be a way to share and celebrate tiny (no cavities!) and large (Nobel prize?) successes with friends and family, without having it be an egomaniacal event. Use your successes as opportunities to give credit and share the glory with your whole support team, from your dog to your best friend, along with all your sometimes annoying but supportive family members in-between (Gordon, 1996).
After all, we all do get tired of hearing people complain and talk about what's not going right in their lives. It would do us all a world of good to cultivate more gratitude towards Allah by focusing on (and sharing) what
is going right.
Note: This list is being developed partially from the card set, 52 Ways to Make A
Difference, authored by Lynn Gordon and published by Chronicle Books of San Francisco in 1996, and
available at Borders Book Store in the mini-book section.
Sources
Dinkmeyer, Sr., D., Gary McKay, Joyce McKay and Don Dinkmeyer, Jr. Parenting Teenagers: Systematic Training for Effective Parenting of
Teens.
Hamdan, Aisha, Ph.D. "Building Self-Esteem in Your Child." Al Jumuah. 10 (1998):41-2.
Recommended Website
The Natural Child Project
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