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What is the Meaning of the Discipline Process? (Part II)
by Sahar Kassaimah
18/07/2001
Part I of this article addressed the meaning of the disciplinary process. In this article, we will discuss how to teach children to make better choices about their behavior; and help them realize that good behavior will actually make them feel better.
Our children's self-discipline will be a key to their success in the future. But, how can they learn the keys necessary to help them towards that path of discipline? Since our goal in disciplining our children is to teach them self-discipline and not to just stop misbehavior temporarily, parents need to begin by learning to differentiate between the times when their children are behaving inappropriately and when they are merely experimenting or testing boundaries. It is also important for us to remember that our expectations of a child's behavior should be realistic.
In the meantime, it helps when parents can create an environment that respects the child. This environment of mutual respect gives children a feeling that the world around them is a friendly place wherein they can learn. Therefore, harsh punishment and aggressive acts are not successful in teaching children self-control. Beating, excessive screaming and yelling may stop a child's misbehavior for the moment, but at the same time, it may increase the conflict level and convince children that they are bad people, which may lead them to stop listening or exhibit even worse behavior in the future. Psychologists say that calling a child names is damaging because he or she may believe that those names are accurate descriptions of their behavior.
Some parents exaggerate when expressing their anger towards their children's misbehavior. They even go so far as excessively threatening them with statements like, "I am going to throw you out of the house if you don't behave." But, what happens in these cases is that our aggression may diminish our credibility in our children's eyes, thus teaching them to ignore what we say. Nevertheless, throwing your hands up and quitting will not change the children's misbehavior either, nor will it teach them the keys to self-discipline.
Parents should find positive disciplinary techniques, that combine direction and caring, to help show and teach children why certain behaviors are unacceptable. On the other hand, it is important that parents figure out what their children hope to gain by their misbehavior. If, for example, the child misbehaves because he seeks attention, we should show him how to get our attention without misbehaving. In general, we should always teach children how to get what they want through
proper behavior.
Setting Limits:
Beneficial discipline techniques include setting limits for children in order to teach them what is acceptable and what is not. Subsequently, they will learn that when they surpass their limits, they will be punished and that the punishment will match their mistake.
For example, it is not useful, nor is it logical, to send your child to bed without dinner because he did not finish his homework; however, if you eliminate TV privileges for two or three days, that would be more appropriate.
Spotlight Good Behavior:
"Positive feedback is the most powerful tool you have to improve your children's behavior and self-esteem. Positive feed-back is a payoff for good behavior."*
Someone may ask: What is the payoff and what does it have to do with the discipline process? "Learning occurs because of a payoff. We behave to earn a payoff. We do things to get what we want. We make decisions about our behavior to get what we want. Sometimes we want things. Sometimes we want things our way. We avoid behaviors that might cause us to lose things or make us feel uncomfortable."*
Sometimes, parents only spotlight inappropriate behavior and forget to highlight and commend children for
good behavior. Sometimes, parents even take good behavior for granted. But, psychologists confirm that using positive feedback with children is very important because it helps us to increase the desirable behaviors, as well as to decrease the misbehavior. And, it doesn't cost us a lot. All we need to do is learn to recognize good behavior and reinforce it by rewarding the child with a hug or some words of encouragement.
"You would like your children to share with each other. When your children share something, reinforce the sharing. You could say 'I like the way you are sharing this morning. That's a good decision,' 'I am proud of the way you are sharing the TV. That shows you are growing up. Good for you!"*
We can also use positive feedback to eliminate misbehavior. For example, if your son fights with his sister, it would be beneficial to encourage him to play nicely and to help her to draw or to color; and to show him how to do it. Sometimes, all we need to do is spend more time explaining to our children what is and isn't acceptable, before we resort to punishing them. When he plays nicely, spotlight his positive behavior towards his sister and reinforce it with encouraging words. For example, "You are helping your sister draw. Good for you."
He will immediately learn that playing nicely with his sister is a more acceptable way of playing. Over time, the arguing and the fighting will decrease because your son will have learned that it is inappropriate and because he will try to get the payoff through good behavior.
Our children believe what we say about them. If you tell him he is a good boy and he likes to share with his sister, he will believe what you say and he will act accordingly.
Punishment:
Psychologists say it is important for parents to explain to their children what they expect from them before resorting to punishing them for misbehaving. Our children do not understand some of the reasoning behind our actions. From their limited and innocent points of view, they may think that we are doing things they totally disagree with. Therefore, it is normal for them to feel bad about being disciplined.
As we said in the first part of this article, our children are smarter than we think. Sometimes they test us just to measure our limits, often trying to see if they can surpass them.
We need to be careful not to make unrealistic threats of punishment, especially in anger; and we must make sure to follow through with what we say. For example, saying, "if you do not stop crying, I will stop the car and leave you alone in the street," is not exactly a realistic punishment.
"If you threaten to turn the car around and go home if the squabbling in the backseat doesn't stop, make sure you do exactly that. The lost day at the beach is much less valuable than the credibility you'll gain with your kids."**
References and Sources
** "Disciplining Your Child." The Nemours Foundation.
* Severe, Sal, Ph. D. "How to Behave, So Your Children Will, Too!" Greentree Publishing. 1997.
Rogers, Joan S. "How to Handle Hard-to-Handle Kids."
Piedmont Parent.
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