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Time to Rebuild the Family
By Altaf Husain
04/06/2001
Lately, everyone is talking about family. There are those who boast that the traditional family, you know…with a mom, a dad, and a few kids…is alive and well in America. Then there are those who claim that there is a definite rise in the number of non-traditional families - with a divorced mom, her children from her first marriage, her live-in boyfriend with his own children from his first marriage, and their accumulation of pets from all previous relationships. Then there is the really, really non-traditional family…a mom, a step mom, and their children from previously failed marriages.
There are those, like former vice-president Dan Quayle, who lament over the loss of the traditional family. Quayle wrote in this week's
Newsweek that, "a two-parent household, with a mother and a father, is still the best place to raise a child." His essay is aptly titled, "Why I think I'm still right," making a reference to his less than well-received criticism of Murphy Brown, the single-parent television character who "got pregnant by her ex-husband and then sent him packing."
Throughout May, several major newspapers carried stories about the disappearing two-parent household in the United States.
Newsweek even dedicated the cover of its May 28th issue to the phenomenon with the dramatic lead, "Why the traditional family is fading fast, and what it means for our kids."
Much of the banter about the rise of single parent households was provoked by a Census 2000 report, which showed a 25 percent increase over the last ten years in the number of families headed by single mothers. That adds up to roughly 7.5 million households. And the number is only increasing. But ultimately, the question remains regarding what impact, if any, such information has on Muslims in America.
For far too long, Muslims have been by-standers, watching from the sidelines as various phenomenon unfold in the larger American mosaic, all the while thinking, ' Those are American problems, affecting non-Muslims in America.' But time and again, we have had to climb down from our self-constructed pedestals and deal with the events happening us, albeit the efforts were sometimes too little too late.
They said drug abuse is a big problem. We said from the sidelines, 'Alhamdulillah, it does not really affect us.' We were wrong. They said divorce is a big problem. We again said, 'It does not really affect us.' We were wrong. They said domestic violence is a big problem. We insisted that it does not really affect us. Again…we were wrong. And now, I have a strong suspicion that the naïve observers among us are using the same 'It doesn't affect us' logic about the rise in single parent households. Dare I say that again we would be terribly wrong to assume that this latest trend regarding single family households is not about us or that it does not include Muslims?
For the brothers: If you want to know about the rise in single parent households among Muslims, just spend some time at the local
masjid. Talk to those little people who run around and disturb your peace as you reflect upon the beautiful verses in the Qur'an. You might be surprised to find that even in your own
masjid, the Islamic Center of Anywhere USA, there is a young boy who is being raised only by his mother.
Let's call this little boy…Ali. Talk to him. Listen to his life story. He might be only 9 years old, but he has already figured out the meaning of life. For him it is simple. His dad wanted to marry someone from "back home," so he left his mom, who according to Ali's father is "too American." So now, Ali is being shuffled back and forth on weekends. He spends his weekdays with his "American" mother. He spends his weekends with his father and new mom from "back home," who barely speaks English, let alone understands the behavior of a little Muslim boy born and raised in America.
For the sisters: Spend some time talking to the little people on your side of the
masjid. You will be shocked to find out that there are young Muslim girls whose mothers left them long ago.
Talk to the little girl who is 13 years old. Let's call her…Aisha. Look into her eyes. Go beyond her nervous giggling. Ask Aisha how she puts herself to sleep every night. She will tell you that she cries for her mother. She makes
du'a to Allah (swt) to bring back her mother. Why? Aisha's mother left her father over a dispute on how to manage a career and the duties of parenthood. Now her father is raising her, alone. He might even be getting married soon. At the end of each weekend visit, Aisha asks her mom why she won't come back home to dad? One weekend, her mom responds. "I wanted to pursue my career and had never given much thought to marriage. My parents forced me into marriage," she says. "I did not want to start a family until much later. You were sort of an accident," she continues. 'An accident?' Aisha wonders. Now what do you think will happen to Aisha?
It is not easy to come to terms with the fact that Muslims in the U.S. are actually not "protected" from the challenges faced by non-Muslim American families. The real challenge will be to accept the reality that the tribulations
do affect us and then address how we should deal with them.
The Muslim family has the potential to be a strong and tightly knit contributor to society. However, this means that we need to have two - fold programs in our
masajid and Islamic centers. On the one hand, we have to address the parents' needs. Immigrant and indigenous parents alike are facing tremendous challenges when dealing with raising their children. Parenting classes must be developed and offered with the goal to train, and in some cases re-train, parents into fulfilling their roles effectively.
On the other hand, we have to address the children's needs. We need to re-orient the children as to their duties towards their parents as well as to their rights as children. And at some point, there must be joint seminars whose audience consists of both parents
and children. Then, and only then, can we say that we are effectively dealing with the reality on the ground.
Until we begin to realize that our families are just as vulnerable to break-up, divorce, abuse, and neglect as any other non-Muslim family, we will continue to live under the illusion that Ali and Aisha are just like any other kids. Well, they are not. Ask yourself how you would have handled Ali's life of having to deal with two mothers from two very different backgrounds; or Aisha's life of trying to make something of herself, knowing that to the most special person on earth, her mother, she was just an accident.
It is our collective duty to rebuild the family. All of us must be responsible for Aisha and Ali. We are under an obligation to ensure that they will grow up to be upright Muslims who contribute to the well being of our entire community.
Editor's Note: If you are dealing with challenges in your family, please visit
IslamOnline's Counseling section and share your thoughts with us.
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