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How To Encourage Our Children To Select Good Friends: Part I
By Sahar Kassaimah
27/02/2001
"Friends on that day will be foes, one to another, save those who kept their duty (to Allah). O My slaves! For you, there is no fear this day, nor is it you who grieve" (Sura'tul Zukhruf, 43:67, 68).
Islam attaches great importance to our selection of friends because the company that we keep has a deep influence on the development of our "selves" and on our intellect. We can gain enjoyment and comfort from our friendships; however, we can also gain distress and pain from them. Therefore, we must exercise extreme care in choosing our associates.
The best basis for selecting friends and establishing relationships is a mutual love of Allah; we should make friends in accordance with our principles and not in accordance with our desires.
If these are the grounds by which we choose our friends, it will be easier for us to encourage our children to select good company. Children do not learn as much from what they are told as they do from the examples they have. And parents are their first and best examples; for this reason, Allah despises it when we as parents command one thing while we are doing another.
In Part I of this article, we will discuss how parents can encourage their children to become good friends. In Part II (to come), we will talk about how parents can encourage their children to select good friends.
First, we must teach our children the basis and principles of friendship and relationships - sincerity, selflessness, and righteousness. When they learn to become good friends to others, it will be easier for them to select friends that can be expected to be good for them. They must be taught why Islam has given due respect to pure friendship, and why we should choose our friends purely for Allah and His pleasure. Also, we must stress how Allah has promised the best rewards for doing so.
For example, it is mentioned in a Hadith Qudsi, "Those who love My Majesty will be under the shadow of My Throne, on a Day when there will be no other shadow" (narrated by Ahmed).
However, we must caution our children that not everyone is capable of loving for the sake of Allah. This requires, of course, that they have some knowledge and understanding of Allah, and this will depend on their ages, personalities, and abilities.
In the very first stages, children habitually imitate everything that they see, hear, and feel from their parents. At this point, they regard their parents as the best and most perfect people alive, and they consider that everything their parents do is good and correct.
Hence, when they see us following His orders, and hear us reading His Holy Book and making Zikr and du'a - when they are able to feel that we really love Allah - their knowledge and love of Him will grow in their hearts, day by day. They will begin to love for the sake of Allah and hate for His sake.
We can teach our children that loving friends are under the security of Allah. It is mentioned in another Hadith Qudsi, "My love is certain for those who love each other for My sake, and My love is fixed for those who meet each other for my sake, and my love is definite for those who indulge in dealings (trade) for My sake, and My love is permanent for those who make friends among themselves for My sake" (Ahmed and Tibrani).
We can teach them the importance of having friends by explaining to them that Muslims should not live alone and away from others, and the value of community life. We should aim to raise them not to be preoccupied with their own lives and desires, and not to run from difficulties. The Prophet (SAW) is reported to have said, "The Muslim who lives with the people and shows tolerance for the harm received from them is better than the Muslim who does not meet them and does not show tolerance for the harm received from them" (Tirmizi).
We must stress to our children that living away from the Ummah does not permit us to fulfill our duty to enjoin righteous deeds and forbid evil deeds. A Hadith states, "It is better to offer prayers in company with another man than offering it alone, and offering prayers in the company of two men is better than offering it in the company of one man, and the greater the number, the more would it be liked by Allah."
We might ask, "How can we teach our children all of this?"
The answer is by being an example of what we wish to teach, by reading them the Seerah of Prophet Muhammad (SAW) and the stories of the Companions, and by telling them stories about friendship and other Islamic values.
We must closely watch them everywhere - at home, at school, at the playground - and notice and acknowledge their strengths, talents, and skills. We must give them time to talk about themselves, and to express their feelings, problems, worries and their happiness.
We must talk back, and answer their questions.
A good idea is to have a weekly family meeting and class in which we aim to provide an enjoyable atmosphere for them to learn Islamic values.
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