I'm sitting here at home and studying. My family keeps telling me to "study hard!" I have to study hard, to study well, to be the first, to do my best, and to never fail. They want me to develop all my intellect so they can be proud of me, so I fit neatly into their concept of what a female Muslim youth should be. That is, I should study and get a degree so I can marry a man from a "good family" and then stay home and cook, clean, and play house for the rest of my life.

It's not that I'm against the role of women in the home, but I see it in a much broader context. The strange thing is that the more I read, the more I realize that their concept is wrong. Maybe I should tell them that their telling me to study and to excel is actually creating the person who will one day disappoint them. Life is so strange.

There are so many things I want to do in life. At the same time I want to practice Islam and really give something worthwhile back to the world. Goodness knows the world is in need of any kind of help and goodness we might be able to spread around! I must say that I love reading. Ever since I was little, the thing I loved doing most was to pore over books. Now it's not just books, it's also the Internet!

The Internet is a world of information at your fingertips. But no! "Girls are not supposed to stay for long on the Internet. It might corrupt them!" Oh please! If I had wanted to be corrupted, I could do it anytime I like. But I am a person with a conscience and I want to do what's right.

Why do I have to fall in line with a standard that has been made to accommodate those who are weak-minded and use the Internet for wrong purposes? And why girls? If a Muslim guy or girl accesses sites on the Internet that are wrong, it is equally wrong! Is it OK for guys to access bad sites, but not OK for girls? Really, these double standards make me want to reach for the punching bag!

When I go online, I look for information and I get plenty. I enter any chat room that I choose! These are chat rooms that are made up of people who are trying to be good Muslims — I count myself as one of them. So just because it's on the Internet, I can't go! The first thing Allah told humanity was to read. I read in books, but on the Internet it's wrong? Life is really so strange.

These feelings in me that are growing out of the pettiness and injustice of others could drive me to do something wrong. I know it. Sometimes I understand why some of my friends bucked this kind of wicked authority and petty fears and did radical things just to rebel. But at the same time, I can see that they are wrong to have reacted in that way. After all, the main thing in life is to please Allah and worship Him, but I really don't think I can do that if I don't get out there and be a part of what's happening. I want to scream, "IT WON'T MAKE ME LOSE MY DEEN! BUT LOCKING ME IN THE CONFINES OF YOUR NARROW LIFE MIGHT DRIVE ME CRAZY!"

Anyway, al-hamdu lillah, I manage to control my feelings and ask Allah to open the minds and hearts of the older people who are making the rules for us young Muslims. I pray that the time will come

when I can do something for the young Muslims of today, when I can be a part of making some kind of new beginning. I dream to somehow break away from the mind-crushing conventions of the traditional past of most parents and imams and to build, hand in hand with other Muslim youth and older people who still think and feel, a new generation of Muslim youth who seek to construct their own community based on the Qur'an and the Sunnah and in the context of today's world — not some euphemistic apology that sends most of us to be confined to the house in case we get "corrupted"!

I don't understand — why can't they just trust me? They've brought me up to know the deen and now I'm studying it for myself, by myself. There comes a time when they have to trust me. Mistakes can always be made, but the answer is not to lock me up and to throw the key away — but rather, to live according to the Islamic rules and get going and live life!

My question is, how can I, as a Muslim living in these times, actually live Islam if I'm not:

• Involved in developing my community

• Seeking knowledge

• Interacting with people

• Being outside so I can be a good example to others, in sha' Allah

• Having a hand in turning around the negative image of Islam that's being spread left, right, and center

Anyway, that's what is on my mind these days, and I'm very interested to know how many of you agree with me.