Many young people complain that their parents are apathetic when it comes to mixing with mainstream society. Parents often prefer to stay in their own cultural niche. Especially in the West, a lot of Muslim youth are first or second generation immigrants to the new country. This in itself is an enormous challenge. Something most young Muslims in this situation have in common is parents who are still strongly affiliated with their home country.

This means that they are concerned that their children will lose the values and customs of their people and culture. So for this reason they may be more strict with their kids, perhaps stricter than they would have been if they lived in the home country. Many such parents used to live in Muslim majority countries and their lives are filled with cultural expectations and values that do not necessarily coincide with Islam. But in an attempt to retain their culture in their children's lives, they enforce these expectations enthusiastically. I mean things like forced marriages, not letting young people mix with others from outside their cultural group and so on. For the parents, if their children stray from their culture, it's as if they are straying away from Islam.

At the same time, young people are being educated in a society that is open to all kinds of belief systems and there is more exposure to the real message of Islam minus the cultural innovations — for example, forced marriages. So the gulf between parents and young people widens as the parents' fear increases (that their children will be "lost") and young people learn more about life with a wider perspective than their parents (something that often the parents just don't understand). Young people are pushed between the cultural expectations of parents, the pressure to be "free" in the non-Muslim perspective, and finding themselves and their own way in life.

Some young people who grew up in "culturally" Islamic homes stop practicing Islam (praying and fasting) at some stage of their lives because they thought that what they had been taught at home and what was expected from them was the real message of Islam. Often these young people complain that their parents were continually telling them that this and that is haram (forbidden) until it seems as if there is no enjoyment in life. Naturally, they rebel and unfortunately while rejecting these cultural expectations, they also ignore the real message of Islam that often lies hidden beneath all the cultural baggage.

In later years however, they might find out about the true message of Islam and how just, fair, equitable, and harmonious it is. So many of these young people who might have been born into Muslim families and carry names like Bilal, Ahmed, Fatima, or Mona, actually feel as if they have converted to Islam because they are seeing its beauty for the first time in their lives.

The pressure on young people these days is great. This is especially so if they try to practice their religion, since they will find opposition from the society which has already misunderstood the message of Islam to be affiliated with terrorism and oppression, along with family members who think the young people should more or less be seen and not heard — just like they were.

But perhaps it helps to understand the thinking of the parents and try to walk around in their shoes for a while — to see the world from their point of view. Many such parents come from a world where unjust governments exercise harsh control over the people and so they (the parents) were not allowed to speak out in society or even in their own families. They learned to fear the government and the police, and they brought that fear and the habit of keeping isolated within the family unit, to the new country. Even if such parents are educated, it was most probably the rote system of education where the students are taught to memorize and repeat the lessons to the teacher, rather than to come up with new and innovative thoughts and ideas.

In the new country, young people have to be original and come up with new ideas in order to succeed. So this is just one major difference between the parents and young people, but it's a difference that the parents often don't really understand. Many such parents will go to the school complaining that their child does not get enough homework because that system of education is what the parent is used to and it is the way they define success and hard work. However, the young person may have to stay in front of the computer doing research and project work and the parents might think "they are just fooling around, and this is not hard work!"

Also the parents may see nothing wrong with forced marriages simply because it's very likely they were married to someone according to their parents' wishes. And there is nothing wrong with their family unit, is there? That's hard to argue with because maybe the parents are happy, and the system worked for them.

Then when it comes to the parents letting the young people mix with mainstream society, things get even more difficult. The old fears arise and the new country seems to be filled with potential dangers — for the youth and the structure of the family unit. Parents often see that it is just safer for them and their kids to stay in the cultural community, to marry into it, and to live and die in it.

For a young person to struggle against these ways of thinking is a tremendous task. It takes a lot of patience, wisdom, and firmness. It needs one step to be taken at a time, while reassuring parents that things are OK.

We see so often now young people being brought up in a particular cultural group and then when they want to step outside that group they are made to feel as if they are criminals; as if they are leaving Islam. But if you are such a young person there may be some questions you should ask yourself:

• What is your intention for wanting to do so? Is your intention to do something that is pleasing to Allah?

• Are you speaking with your parents in a kind and calm manner even though they may seem harsh with you? Are you trying to see things from their point of view?

• Are you sure that the people you are mixing with and the ones you wish to mix with are striving to be good Muslims and contribute positively to society?

• Do you know enough about Islam to protect yourself from doing or saying things that are not allowed?

• Have you clearly defined your targets? What is it that you want to achieve?

Islam is such a positive and dynamic religion! You have a responsibility to the land that you are standing on — the land of which you are a part. Whether you like it or not, you have a duty to fulfill to your country — the place where you are. What is that duty?

• You must contribute positively to the welfare of your society, meaning not to ever cause harm or disturbance; you must be a source of goodness.

• Educate yourself so you can participate actively in the development of your society. Be a doctor, teacher, writer, scientist, engineer, or whatever! But strive to achieve your potential.

• Look for opportunities to do volunteer work and participate in an active, constructive way since Islam is a religion that teaches its followers to help others and be merciful. Islam builds, it does not destroy.

• Look for ways to learn more about Islam and about everything around you. Learn languages so you can communicate with others. First of all, learn the language of the place you are living in.

Your parents may not feel 100 percent comfortable with all that was mentioned above, but move slowly and surely and trust in Allah. Keep your intentions pure and find every possible means to convince them that what you are trying to do is good and not harmful to yourself or to them.

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