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How to Stop Being a Violent Person
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By Latiefah Achmat**
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June
19, 2005
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People
may not always think too much about themselves and their
behavior; they may spend many years of their lives with bad and
destructive habits, until they finally realize that they are
violent and that the people they love are afraid of them. It is
hoped that the following information will help violent people,
as well as the people around them, to understand the signs of
violence and what can be done to help overcome them.
A
violent person has a low threshold of anger. This means that it
does not take much to make him or her angry and react
aggressively. A violent person also does not like to be opposed;
is unable to deal with opposition. Some people may be born with
characteristics that incline them to violence, but the
environment at home and the example of family can either reduce
the effect of these characteristics or develop them. A
personality trait can be developed over time and usually becomes
full blown by the time the person reaches 17 years or so. After
this age, violence is often a choice, whereas before that it can
be considered a behavioral pattern that is often affected by
peer pressure.
When
my friend was 17 years old, she was sitting in school and her
friend leaned over and talked to her. The teacher turned around
at that moment and saw my friend being spoken to by another
girl. For some unknown reason he chose to throw the duster at my
friend. The injustice was obvious in the eyes of all the class
that they collectively urged her to throw the duster back at the
teacher!
My
friend recalled that she didn’t really want to do that and
didn’t see what good it would do, but because of the
encouragement of her classmates, she submitted and threw the
duster at the teacher, with a perfect aim, I might add. She was
thrown out of the classroom for the rest of the year and
suffered a lot because of this. When she tried to explain to
those in authority the injustice that had happened to her, no
one would take proper notice because all they could see was what
she had done and how outrageous it appeared.
Violence
is not the answer; it was a hard lesson for my friend. Had she
remained calm and reported the incident, things would have been
very different. This is an example of violence that is a
conscious choice. Obviously, the consequences are negative. Of
course the teacher was violent himself, but my friend submitted
and got caught up in the net and cycle of violence.
Just
like any negative behavior, violence can be unlearned. It is a
matter of learning how to use your energy in a positive way.
Violent people have a lot of energy. Finding the root of the
person’s problem is the starting point. Perhaps that person
had negative situations at home or at school; perhaps he or she
was abused, bullied, or neglected. It could be one of many
things. One of the biggest ways a person can learn to be violent
is by being treated in extreme ways. The person may have been
given no boundaries or the person may have been
over-disciplined; this is where frustration and resentment creep
in.
If
you are a young person and find yourself continually behaving in
a violent way, here are some things that you can do.
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Establish
Prayer, because being close to Allah keeps you calm and
balanced.
-
Try
to count to a certain number before you react.
-
Avoid
situations where you know you will have a clash of opinions,
especially with your peers.
-
Don’t
carry weapons, because you may get angry, lose control, and
use them.
-
Make
sure you get enough sleep. Even people who do not have a
problem with violent behavior can become moody and irritable
when they do not get sufficient sleep.
-
Try
to keep your stress level down, for example, have a good
diet and eat nutritious food, don’t overload yourself with
work, try to be moderate in everything, and avoid any kind
of intoxicant.
-
Keep
your wudu at all times, because that keeps Satan away
from you. Of course, he will always be trying to make you
angry, because that leads to negative behavior.
-
Keep
company with nonviolent friends; with balanced and positive
people. If you hang out with violent people or gangs, you
will end up doing what they do because of peer pressure.
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Avoid
watching violent films and playing violent video games,
because they will stimulate you and let you enter a world of
unreality, where there are no consequences and no
punishments, which is not true in the real world.
One
time, there were three boys who watched a film and they saw
someone being hanged. After watching this film they began to
enact it and they hung one of their friends, just like they had
seen in the film. The boy died, even though they didn’t intend
to kill him. They thought it was just a game.
Films
also glamorize violence and make violent people into popular
heroes that young people emulate. Since we live in a world of
films and imagination, we must learn to tell the difference
between reality and fantasy.
Here
are some tips on how to stop being violent.
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Avoid
intoxicants because they feed your sense of unreality, which
is bad for you.
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Keep
yourself busy doing positive and beneficial activities.
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Enroll
in some kind of community work where you do things for other
people who can’t do those things for themselves. In this
way, you will have a sense of strength without having to be
violent.
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Play
nonviolent sports—tennis, squash, gymnastics, swimming and
so on.
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Try
to trace the source of your anger. Some thing must have
happened at some time during your life that made you feel as
you do. All people have the potential to be angry and
violent, but some curb it while others don’t. If you are
one of the people who don’t, then try to find out why.
-
Learn
to deal with the violent urges that stem from anger and be
aware of how anger and violence may be accepted in your
society, even though it is wrong behavior. To shed more
light on this point, imagine there are twins and one is
raised in a nonviolent society while the other is raised in
a violent society. They will both learn different ways of
dealing with their anger and violence. Try to find out how
you fit into all this.
-
Develop
good communication skills so you can express yourself as
this will help you to keep within your anger threshold. A
friend of mine was living in a foreign country and could not
speak the language well. Whenever she was in a confrontation
she would find herself getting angry very quickly, simply
because she couldn’t make herself understood. The same
applies when we try to speak to people of our own language
and culture but we cannot get our point across. This results
in frustration, anger, and violence.
-
Look
at the reasons for your violent behavior and then adjust
that behavior. For example, if you find that you get violent
when you mix with certain people, then stop mixing with
them! Also, be careful of overreacting. Plan for yourself,
taking into account the people around you. For instance, a
common problem is that young people often don’t ask for
permission to go out to an important function until the day
arrives, then they just throw the situation at parents, who
might react and say no simply because it takes them off
guard. The answer for this would be to ask permission in
advance and get them used to the idea.
Finally,
keep the channels of communication open with your parents,
brothers, and sisters so you can receive guidance and advice
from them. Choose a relative who is close to you in age, one who
has experienced adolescence recently and so can empathize more.
Discuss your problems, fears, and concerns; recognize your
emotions and give them their right—meaning don’t suppress
your emotions but do this is a positive, nonaggressive,
nonviolent way.
**
Latiefa Achmat is an Islamic counselor and social worker in Cape
Town, South Africa. She can be contacted at youth_campaign@iolteam.com
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