Well, Look at What They Say!

I asked some questions to a variety of people from different countries around the world. I asked them about the generation gap hoping that if people can understand what the other party says, thinks, and wants we might have a starting point to bridge the gap. Please feel free to send in your ideas and experiences too. Click here

This is what they said…

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Dinda

I was raised with my grandparents so I have no conflict with parents. After finishing high school I got to know them better but they were divorced already and have their own new family. They each have different expectations from me. All I can say is I love them both. Maybe I never told them. I tried my best not to disappoint them very much but as long as we are talking all misunderstandings are cleared up. As I got older we understood each other better. Hopefully when I have children, I can be like my parents.

Defending Islam

When disagreeing with parents, dialogue and willing to accept your mistakes is the key. The relationship between parents and children is the best one and at times can be the most difficult one, and heart-breaking. In the Qu'ran, Allah commands us to be good to our parents irrespective of whether they are Muslims or Non-Muslims. Allah also mentions parents after mentioning Salaat, to

show how important a child's attitude to their parents should be. All this is of course, as long as the parents do not do anything against Allah and His Messenger, in which case, we can refuse their wishes/desires. For example, standing up to righteousness is important, even if it is

against kin. Irrespective of who an individual is, a good relationship is always formed when BOTH parties are sensitive to other people's needs; when BOTH are willing to listen, BOTH are willing to acknowledge their faults, and BOTH are willing to make amends and promise not to do the things which cause

contention with the others.

Even though Allah has commanded Muslims be good to their parents, it is a sad state of affairs that some parents abuse their position as parents. Such parents do exist. When parents have one set of (relaxed) rules for (say) their own daughters and another completely different (rigid) rule for their daughters-in-law then that's a recipe for disaster. When parents turn a blind eye (or cover up) the bad behavior of one individual but are quick to point out small faults in another, that's a recipe for disaster. When parents have done something (causing someone hurt) and refuse to acknowledge that they have done it, that's another

recipe for disaster. In other words, when parents themselves have failed miserably in their duties, then if their children fail in their eyes it is because of the parent's failure in the first place. In situations like this, even a forgiving natured

son/daughter will eventually snap and question why there is such difference and injustice. The blame rests squarely on the parents but the parents will continue to blame the children.

Enough about the parents...

Equally, you can have extremely good parents who apply the same rules for everyone (irrespective of who they are), want the best for their children, listen and accommodate their kids wishes (even to the extent that it may be detrimental to the parents) but their sons/daughters are extremely

rebellious. In this case, the fault lies squarely on the individual sons/daughters, who are not respecting their parents best wishes. So, in any relationship mutual understanding is required; the ability to listen and take up on the issues sensibly and above all, ACKNOWLEDGE who is at fault (parents, if it is the parents; kids, if it is the kids) then things will be fine. Show respect and understanding, then return respect and understanding.

Shonnay

When it comes to disagreeing with parents, actually the problem is on both sides. Sometimes youngsters don't understand their parents and they disagree with them and create lots of misunderstandings. Parents are not always right but

mostly they are because they know what is better for us. Sometimes the children are right on the point and parents do not always understand why their children disagree with them. So the best way is that we can talk each other about the

arguments and keep close to each other and find a better way.

Peace is the heart

Being a parent is not easy and having children who are very exposed to western morals over the media, like TV, magazines and the internet, is harder still. Furthermore, if children or even parents are not taught about Islamic law; what is halal and haram, (permissible and impermissible), there will be more problems as the basis of faith is thin. In this case Islamic education and faith play an important role on both sides. If the children are aware that being rude will only evoke the wrath of Allah, they will be more humble when communicating with their parents. Parents on the other hand, must always realize that children are their responsibility and will be asked about their behavior toward them on Judgment Day. Their duty is to inculcate the basic Islamic principles and also to practice them daily. Being educated and experienced in worldly knowledge is an

asset too as it helps to understand their children's problems.

Parents tend to be a bit bossy. They want their children to listen to them not because they are authoritarian, but because the parents have the ability to think further then their children's inexperienced minds. Parents think of the consequences of certain behavior and they will of course remind the children of these things, however children often think that parents are trying to be naggy. Patience and respect are tools in dealing with these situations. Both parties must respect each other and try to give and take. Whatever the situation is, love plays an important role. If the family is full of love, whatever misunderstanding can easily be overcome.

 Labu

Most young people think their parents are the worst and most embarrassing on earth. Young people always feel like that, no matter how cool their parents are. Being young, is all about imbalanced hormones: getting extremely mad or extremely happy at nothing in particular. It can be quite frustrating being young people. Can anyone be a rebel without a cause? What they do not realize is, they are actually at the peak of their lives; things will go downhill afterwards, age will

increase, and so will responsibility. Fun will be few and far between, and money will need to be earned, not plucked from daddy's money tree. There will be mouths crying to be filled. The worst thing is, your parents get older and weaker than when you are young, and they need you more than ever. How could you serve them and be nice to them when you could not get along well with them in the first place?

So I say to you young people, push your heart to be patient with your parents, for the sake of God, while they are still with you. Embrace them and kiss their hands and cheeks. Show them mercy and kindness, and their hearts will melt. Be good to your parents and this world will be your paradise; be rude and disloyal to them, and your life will be like a living hell.

Benef

When speaking about who I turn to when I have a problem I find that when we are visited by pain, sadness and problems, and verily every soul on earth will be, we can turn to family, friends or anyone else we think would help. And that is ok

because the fact that they are there for us to turn to is purely by the will of Allah. Ultimately the only one from whom help and relief comes is Allah. The only condition, as far as my tiny mind can understand, is that we should not only turn to Allah in times of pain but also be grateful to Him for our happiness in every minute and day of our lives!

Just like the pauper who finds a pot of gold that replenishes itself every time he draws from it, Allah's love for His servants is abundant and never ending. Verily, no mortal can love you like that!!! Return to Allah's remembrance every day and night and be grateful to Him for every little thing that happens to us and most surely we will find help from Him in our darkest hours. Allah loves us all so much that even if we had been disobedient, arrogant and sinful, should we return to His

path, He would forgives all we have done and offer us comfort and relief. So let's all turn to Allah in our pain and remember Him in our pleasure, then surely nothing can affect us without His leave! Apart from Allah who can offer us all a better deal eh? Who else can offer us a better guarantee?

Peaceful_Muslimah

Of course when we have a problem we turn to Allah but I also have people I trust and turn to. First would be my new husband whose opinion and religious knowledge I greatly respect. I also have a large Palestinian family that has "adopted" me and I share any problem with them. They understand a lot of the issues I struggle with as an American convert and always give me good, down-to-earth advice.

Sophie05

I turn to Allah whenever I have a problem. He is the only One whom can *TRULY* guide me through this life's twists and turns and ups and downs.

Of course, one does need to seek the advice of another person in certain circumstances. When you know that they possess the knowledge and wisdom to help cast some light on your problem.

However, Allah is the One who guides me to seek out the advice of another person occasionally anyway, so all credit goes completely to Him.........

Actually, it is pretty much the other way around in my life, I always seem to get other people coming to me with their problems!

Warda11

When I have a problem I turn to my son because he is a good listener.

Zeenab

If I have a problem I turn to Allah because He is the only One to turn to. As a Muslim that is not difficult for me because I am a person who likes keeping things to myself.

Peace is in the heart

When I have a problem I turn to the Creator, Allah. When the heart or the spirit faces Allah with honesty and with love it will find peace. When the spirit is at peace, we tend to tackle our problem more rationally. Knowing that the Most Gracious and the Most Merciful is supporting us, confidence will help

us overcome our problem. The heart or spirit is very important. It is imperative to clear the spirit or heart of the many diseases that blacken it , for example, anger, lust, greed, jealousy, and so forth. A clean spirit or a clean heart can be achieved by substituting the evil characteristics with the good ones and with Zikr (remembering Allah). From there we can recognize our true self.

Once you recognize yourself, it is easier to recognize Allah.

Didik

I have tried turning to lots of people: friends, family, and colleagues but the most peace I get is when I take out my prayer mat and bawl my head off

in Sajdah (prostration in prayer) because nobody besides Allah can get me

out of the mess I am in or solve my problems.

Warda11

The young people today should be stronger than our generation. They can

change the world. My generation was weak and accepted many lies. We were ignorant. I hope the new generation is strong and determined and doesnot let anybody extinguish them like they did to mine.

Shaymaa

I was brought up in Madinah within the Turkish community there. It is uncommon that parents and young people communicate. Usually older people order and do not provide explanations. It is understood that the older generation is older and therefore wiser and should be listened to and obeyed. I find that it is this attitude that mostly turns young people away from the older ones and this is unfortunate because the older people do have many things to offer but it is the manner in which they give it that makes the problem.

I wish that parents and older people could say things in a kind and friendly way and make it easier for young people to accept what they say. Often older people shout and accuse, so eventually some young people just shout back because that is what they've been taught by example. I think young people should have a choice of occupation and to follow their interests and be creative. Young people should not be made to be servile but they should have room to express their thoughts and opinions.

Even in the mosques, a lot of the time, the knowledge is imparted in a black and white way and young people are not given the chance to ask questions. The knowledge is not presented in a way that it can be readily implemented into everyday life and become a working practical reality. Young people are looking for reality and we want to follow Islam but sometimes these things are presented as if they are opposites and can never match.

Farhana

I find that most young people are only really interested in trendy clothes, the latest music, posters of pop singers and film stars and all those kinds of things. I guess because I wasn't interested in these things so much when I was a teenager I find it difficult to relate to young people now. I always used to do what I was interested in and I wasn't so much caught up in the hip hop world. I can't put myself in their shoes because we don't share the same experiences. I expect them to be like that so I back off from them a lot.

Mustafa

Of course there’s a generation gap … because both sides are too hard-headed to listen to the other.

Mother of Mustafa (above)

Years ago when I was teaching in a Muslim school, one of my eighth-grade students said to me, “Sister, you’ll never know what it’s like to be a Muslim teenager.” I could only agree with her because I had reverted to Islam as an adult.

Even the ancient Greeks complained about the younger generation, but I think that any generation gap must be worse in the 20th and 21st centuries because the world has changed so fast around us. The world really was very different for my parents growing up during the Great Depression. Even my oldest brothers and sisters lived in a world different from mine. They were influenced by World War II and the fact that our family business was just being established and nearly went bankrupt. By the time I came along, the business was prospering, money was not a problem, rationing was long over. Instead, I was influenced by the Cold War and the Vietnam War, which made so many of my generation cynical.

All of us adults need to remember that the world that we knew as children does not exist anymore. If you don’t believe that, look again at your computer screen. The PC was only introduced in August 1981—how old were you then? The Internet really took off in the mid-90s.

If you immigrated as an adult to any country, remember that your children’s lives in your new home are much different from what you experienced as a child. If you came to Islam as an adult, the life you try to shape for your children is likely much different from your own childhood.

We need to keep in mind that we adults cannot fully know or comprehend what our children are going through—even if we are still living in the same country or even if we grew up as Muslims. Because the world around us has changed and our children are influenced by other factors outside of our control.

We need to learn to listen to the younger generation, just as we hope they will listen to us.

Ruth
mother of Sally (25) and Sherif (24)

The generation gap is our (the parent’s) struggle to prevent our children from doing things that we see as harmful to them or not in their best interests, while our children keep trying to prove that they are more than capable of taking control of their lives.

Because we love our children, we want to “protect” them and guide them towards what we see, through our experiences, as best for them, but our children are convinced that their decisions are the right ones, based on current situations—and in this they may be right, after all, life is changing so quickly, certain things are beyond our experiences. Society and technology continue to develop rapidly and it seems to me that there always was a gap—we suffered from it, but perhaps not so audibly as our children—and there will always be a gap, but there can also be understanding and tolerance.

The gap is in the kind of experiences we went through compared to our children and the current environment of the society we live in. According to my daughter, “Experiences are never the same because part of experience is perception and perception differs from one person to another. Also, our environment differs ... society changes all the time and molds to new forms, which is even quicker these days with all this new technology, so each generation has to live the experience for themselves. This is not always easy to do, especially as a woman in a patriarchal society. There is a big gap between my father and me (almost 2 generations), however, I strongly believe that we are trying to understand each other—and I think it is more difficult for my father than it is for me.”

Generation gaps won’t go away, but they can be reduced by making an effort to understand, and most of that effort should come from us, the parents—we are, after all, supposed to be the wise ones!

Angela

Most of the time I feel that my relationship with my parents is like a game of tug and war. Each side wants to control the other and get what they want. Maybe we both want good things but there is so little communication that both sides just don't know anymore. I can't imagine that this will continue for how many years until I leave home. At the same time I'm not sure how to change things – if I just give in I feel like I'm losing my rights and if I struggle there is too much tension at home. The generation gap has never been wider for me.

Zaid

Sometimes parents love their children too much and want to keep them to themselves. For example, on weekends my friends want me to go out with them but my parents want me to stay with the family. They are afraid perhaps that I'll do something wrong – sometimes they trust me but other times they don't.

I think they don't trust me because they think I'm very innocent and I'll just copy people. They think I'm weak but I know I'm not weak and I don't think of doing wrong things.

I wish I had more freedom so that I could go out with my friends just once a week. I think that if I prove myself to my parents I think it will happen – like I prove I am responsible and study well and deal well with the people in my family – in this way I'll prove I'm mature. I hope.

** Selma Cook is Managing Editor of the Youth Section and Volunteer Youth Resource Network at Islam Online.net. She has written a number of books including: Buried Treasure (An Islamic novel for teenagers), The Light of Submission (Islamic Poetry). She has also edited and revised many Islamic books. She can be contacted at: youth_campaign@iolteam.com