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He bounded up the stairs so
energetically that it was hard for me to believe that here was
a man more than 80 years old — he had the vitality of a
youth. Then I learned the reason why: Though he got married
back in 1947 when he was about 30 years old, he was able to
say to me, "I do not recall that I ever once got angry
with my wife or that she was even once annoyed with me. And if
I had a headache, it was impossible for her to sleep until
after I fell asleep."
Then he said with feeling, "I can
never think of going out somewhere, even to purchase some
household needs, without taking her with me and holding her
hand. It is as if we are newlyweds." When, because of a
medical operation, she had become unable to bear children, he
said to her, "You are more precious to me than
children."
He told me, "As long as she walks
upon the earth, I could never even think of marrying anyone
else."
That man is a good example of how
devotion can last even into old age. Unfortunately, when we
look at the majority of people of any age, we can appreciate
that his relationship is a rarity indeed, a sort of ideal.
Of course, we do not have to be held
to such an ideal. Moreover, we should not go to our spouses
and expect them to be like that when we ourselves have so many
shortcomings.
What Is Marriage?
Marriage is love and affection. Allah
says:
(He
created for you mates from among yourselves so that you can
seek comfort in them and He has placed between you affection
and mercy.) (Ar-Rum
30:21)
This is why each sex is drawn to the other in the first place, as if each person is looking for his missing other half.
When the wife of the famous jurist Abu Rabi`ah died, he
carried out her burial himself with his own hands. However,
when he returned home, he was overcome with grief and lamented
to his Lord, his eyes filling with tears, "Now … my
home has died as well. The home only lives for the woman who
dwells inside it."
Marital love requires extraordinary effort from both
parties if it is to last and remain vital. The difficulty of
marital love does not lie in those small disagreements that
are a normal part of everyday life and that all couples have
to work out. Indeed, such problems sometimes revitalize the
relationship, like spice in a savory dish. The real problem
lies in three things:
1. The inability of one person to understand the other.
Indeed, sometimes a person has difficulty understanding
his or her own self.
2. The inability of a person to adapt to this new
partnership, that is marriage, and the inability to cope
with the life changes that it brings. Many people expect
things to remain the same as they were before.
3. The most important problem is a lack of commitment
to the relationship and to making it last.
This is why it is necessary for people to understand the
rules of the game when it comes to love.
Ten Ways to Achieve Lasting Love
Since marital love is prone to sickness and even death, it
is imperative for couples to constantly work to revitalize and
preserve it.
Husbands and wives must do the following:
1. They must get into the habit of saying things that are
positive, like offering compliments and like making little
prayers for each other.
A husband could say to his wife, "If I were sent back
to the days of my youth, I would not choose anyone besides you
for a wife." Of course, the wife can easily say something
similar to her husband.
Affectionate words have an effect, especially on women.
They have, indeed, often been the weapons used by unscrupulous
men to gain access to what is not theirs. Sweet words arouse a
woman's heart. A husband should take care to say them to his
wife before someone else does.
2. They must get into the habit of doing those little
things that mean so much. If a man comes home to find his wife
asleep, he can cover her and tuck her up in bed. A husband can
give his wife a call from work just to say hello and to let
her know that he is thinking about her.
If a wife finds that her husband has fallen asleep, she can
give him a little kiss on the forehead, even if she thinks
that he will not be aware of it. Indeed, on some level, his
senses are working and even though he is asleep, he may very
well be aware of it.
The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) emphasized
the value of these little things, "…even the morsel
of food that you place in your wife's mouth (will be
rewardable)" (Al-Bukhari and Muslim).
It may very well be that the Prophet (peace and blessings
be upon him) was alluding to the expenditure of a man for his
wife's needs. Nonetheless, the Prophet chose to express it in
the way he did for a reason. Most importantly, this is the way
the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) conducted
himself with his family.
This type of behavior is governed by the tastes of the
people involved. It may take some getting used to, but it
really does not take a lot of effort. People who are not
accustomed to such things may feel embarrassed just hearing
about them and may prefer to leave matters the way they are
rather than try to change their behavior and do things that
they may see as ridiculous. Still, we must be willing to
introduce new habits into our lives if we do not want our
problems to go on forever.
3. They must set aside time to talk to each other. They
should talk about the past; reminisce about the good times.
Talking about these memories keeps them fresh in our minds as
if they happened only yesterday. They should talk about the
future and share their hopes and their plans. They should also
talk about the present, both the good and bad, and discuss
different ways to solve their problems.
4. They must keep close physical contact, which is good for
the relationship. This is not just for times of intimacy, but
at all times, like when sitting in the lounge or walking down
the street. This is regardless of the fact that there are
still men in our society who are ashamed to have people see
them walking in public with their wives at their sides.
5. They must guarantee emotional support whenever it is
required. When the wife is pregnant or on her monthly period,
she may need her husband to lend her a little moral support.
He should take her mental state into consideration. Medical
experts attest to the fact that when women go through
pregnancy, menstruation, or postpartum bleeding, they suffer
from psychological stress that can aversely affect their
behavior. It is at times like these that a woman needs her
husband's support. She needs him to let her know how much she
means to him and how much he needs her in his life.
Likewise, the husband might fall ill or come under a lot of
stress. The wife must take these things into consideration. If
people want their relationship to last, they must let each
other feel that support.
6. They must give some material expressions of love. Gifts
should be given, sometimes without there being any occasion
for it, since a pleasant surprise is always welcome. A good
gift is one that expresses feelings of affection. It does not
have to be expensive, but it has to be appropriate for the
other's tastes and personality; something that will be
cherished.
7. They must learn how to be more tolerant of each other
and overlook one another's shortcomings. It should become a
habit to forget about the little mistakes of daily life and
not even bring them up. Silence about these trivialities is a
sign of noble character. It is wrong to go overboard in
considering the faults of others, but when it comes to
ourselves, we should keep a running account of all our good
qualities. There is a tradition that says, "One of you
sees the dust in his brother's eyes and forgets about the dirt
in his own."
8. They must come to an understanding when it comes to
matters of mutual concern, like the raising of children, work,
travel, expenses, and problems that might pose a threat to the
marital relationship.
9. They must do things to liven up their relationship. Each
one of them can read a book or listen to a cassette that might
give them some ideas on how they can revitalize their marital
life and bring more meaning to it. They can vary their habits
when it comes to relaxing together, dining, taking
refreshments, decorating their home, and in relating to each
other both openly and intimately. These are the things that
keep up the excitement and interest in a relationship.
10. They must protect the relationship from negative
influences that can harm it. One of the worst of these is the
habit of comparing one's spouse to others. Many men tend to
compare their wives to those of other men. Some even compare
them with the faces they see in magazines and on television.
Women also compare their husbands with other women's husbands
in things like wealth, looks, and how many times he takes her
out. All of this makes people feel bad and insufficient and it
can ruin the marital relationship.
If we must compare ourselves to others, we should do so
with those who have less going for them than ourselves.
Allah's Messenger (peace and blessings be upon him) said, "Look
towards those who are beneath you and do not look towards
those who are above you. This is better so that you do not
belittle Allah's blessings" (Al-Bukhari and Muslim).
We must accustom ourselves to living in the real world and
to finding contentment in what Allah has decreed for us. We
should not look longingly at what others have been given.
Whatever little we have, will be a lot if we utilize it well.
It is quite possible that many who speak about their
marital bliss and boast about their husbands and wives are
untruthful in what they say—they just like to brag. The
grass often does seem greener on the other side, but only
because we are not looking at it up close. |
